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It started out innocently enough. A coworker of mine revealed that she lived with four cats, which - to me at least - is one of the most terrifying living situations I can think of. My roommate has two cats, and I am convinced that they are the ones who control the three humans in the house. They also like to fight each other, destroy household items and bite people for sport, which is always pleasant.

One time I had a lady friend over, and at a most inopportune moment, one of them pushed my door open, hopped on the bed and emitted a screeching noise that sounded like a combination of nails on chalkboard and a dying squirrel. Let’s just say that hilarity most certainly did not ensue. The Puritans said that children should be seen and not heard. In situations like these, pets should neither be seen nor heard. And this is why I am happy with my collection of stuffed animals. Four cats? I’d rather live in Guantanamo.

Yesterday, my coworker chirped on and on about her cats more than usual, so, in a fit of profound irritation, I sent out the following tweet:

Little did I know that my Twitter followers consider the definition of cat-lady-hood to be a most pressing issue. The cat lady tweet ended up eliciting the most responses in the history of gracethespot’s tenure on Twitter. My tweets about the Iran election, Sonia Sotomayor and the Justice Department’s pro-DOMA legal brief failed to inspire such spirited responses. (For the record, the other tweet that elicited a barrage of responses was the one where I asked whether or not I was a cougar.) Moral of the story: tweet about the feline species, and the lesbians will respond.

Here is a sampling of the responses:

(Warning: do not click on the link below if you saw Gremlins and had nightmares for a week.)

Ditto on the link below.

But what if you suspect that one of your roommates is a cylon?

Whew! That was close.

You may want to invest in a military grade gas mask. And demand a raise.

Yes. (Now go visit the crazy cat lady, my pretties.)

And finally:

Referencing wild cats and domesticated cats in one tweet. Nice. That’s one advanced lesbian, folks.

Well there you have it. Lesbians love cats. Stereotypes have an element of truth to them after all.

Proven fact. Opting to don a rainbow accessory 11 out of 12 months of the year is the gay equivalent of wearing white after Labor Day.  It’s not only a major fashion faux pas but will absolutely cause one to be forever stripped of any and all “cool points”. 

There is hope, though, for those random rainbow studded belts and ties gathering dust in your closet.  Come June 1^st, the Roy G. Biv embargo is magically lifted and suddenly for the next 30 days sporting those six colors are not only socially acceptable but considered hip. 

Having participated in both the NYC Dyke March and Pride Parade this past weekend, I was lucky enough to witness the vast array of ways one can clad themselves in rainbows and thought I would share my Technicolor analysis with you readers.

 The Rainbow Lei

Festive… Flowery….  And let’s face it… Looks great dangling from the rear view mirror of a Jeep (or the neck of a cute, bandana-wearing girl).  Out of all accessories, the Lei is simply a staple of Pride.

  Rainbow Wristband

A little more hardcore than the Lei, the Rainbow Wristband says “I’m here, queer, and sweat rainbows”.

   Rainbow Capes

 

What lesbian-in-training didn’t have superhero aspirations while growing up?  So, naturally draping the Rainbow flag around one’s shoulders a la Superman style to show off one’s overwhelming Pride makes logical sense. 

 

And what did I opt for this year?  Well, let’s just say I decided to go with something a little more direct

 

and to the point…

If you follow us on Twitter, you know that Twitpic failed me as I was walking down the parade route (and then my feet failed me, so I jumped on the R train home at the Flatiron Building). This was what I was trying to upload around 52nd Street:

You go, girl!

You are having a lovely microbrew with one of your straight friends when she begins to tell you about her relationship troubles. She tells you that her boyfriend/husband doesn’t do anything around the house. He doesn’t cook. He doesn’t clean. She asks if it would kill him to wash a dish now and then and, though you know it’s rhetorical, you answer “no” anyway because she’s staring at you.

You look down at your beer and shake your head in disbelief which she sees as a cue to pour out the specifics. He shaves and leaves little hairs all over the sink for her to clean up. He leaves his stinky gym clothes on the bedroom floor and simply steps over them to get into bed. He has a penchant for late night bowls of cereal but never takes the bowls to the kitchen when he is done. The milk dries in the bottom of the bowl, for god’s sake! It dries and it’s hard to get out and who has to get it out? I’ll save you from another rhetorical question - she does. She has to scrub out the milk.

Just when you think the list of his transgressions is going to go on forever, she delivers the show stopping line, “I wish that I was a lesbian because this would never happen.” The “this” varies from time to time and can be any number of generic relationship issues. Whatever the issue, she delivers the line, sighs deeply and looks at you with awe because you are the ambassador to the Lesbian Utopia of Relationships.

You see, in the Lesbian Utopia of Relationships, the birds sing sweeter songs and the sky is always filled with rainbows. No matter what the problem, lesbians don’t have to deal with it because they are both women. This means that lesbians share domestic chores equally without fail. No one ever gets stuck doing the dishes night after night and there is likely a schedule for toilet cleaning so that no one has to suffer through that ordeal more than is fair. Also, you might not know this but all lesbians are neat and tidy. They never leave their gym clothes on the floor and probably strip right into the laundry chute to avoid any offensive clothing piles. They abhor dried milk in the bottoms of bowls. They probably don’t even eat cereal because they are that worried about the possibility of leaving dried milk in the bottom of a bowl.

All lesbians are courteous and thoughtful too. They spend most of their mental energy thinking of new ways to show consideration to their partners. They offer to let their partners pass through doors first but, because they each do this, they stand there in front of the door smiling at each other and eventually chuckle as they hold hands and walk through together. They offer to do extra work around the house but are never allowed to because of all of The Equality.

If lesbians have children, all child care duties are split equally between the two parents. They alternate diaper duty on a strict schedule so that no one parent has to deal with the odiferous assault more than the other. Each partner is always offering to take care of the children by herself so that the other one can have time to herself. Since all women love talking, lesbians never have any awkward silences that can be misinterpreted or blown out of proportion. No, they talk easily all the time and any disagreements are solved in a calm and loving manner. Besides, all lesbians love talking about their feelings so communication a breeze. It is peace and love 24/7 in the Lesbian Utopia of Relationships.

Now, we know this is not true. We know that we have all of the same issues in our relationships as straight women do in theirs (penis specific issues excepted). So, what do we do? Do we allow our straight friends to hold onto these stereotypes because it’s nice to be seen as a more highly evolved being or do we tell them the truth? After all, ten percent is not enough. Recruit, recruit, recruit!

Last October, I went to the New York Queer Experimental Film Festival, where I saw the film LEZBROS, a quirky and often hilarious short about dudes who like to hang out with lesbians. Whereas many of the films in the festival were inaccessible, odd or just plain depressing, LEZBROS stood out with its accessibility, perception, humor and universal appeal. LEZBROS has been picked up by The LOGO Channel and will premiere on LOGO this July.

I caught up with Dara Sklar and Brynn Gelbard, who are part of the collective of filmmakers who created LEZBROS, to talk about their latest project JEW LO, which premiered this weekend in San Francisco. Yes, you heard me: JEW LO. Here is the trailer:

Grace: Tell me a little about “4 Dykes Presents.” How do you know each other, and how did you get started making films?

Dara: “4 Dykes Presents” is a collaboration of four queer women filmmakers - Brynn Gelbard, Melinda Bagatelos, Lisa Donohoe and Dara Sklar. We were friends first, each of us working on films or other artistic endeavors individually, but then one day realized combining our strengths could produce thoughtful, funny and visually captivating work. Our first project was LEZBROS about guys who like to hang out with lesbians and has been very well received in festivals around the world and will be making its television premiere on LOGO this summer. Our second short film which has been highly anticipated - JEW LO - unveiled this weekend in San Francisco’s Castro Theater to a crowd of screaming fans.

Grace: What is the general premise of JEW LO?

Brynn: Jew Lo tells the story of a Jewish American Princess from Long Island, NY, who dashed out of the closet and emerged a campy sing-song superstar in SF. Along the way, she acquires a #1 fan, Devorah. Together, they never cease to get the party started.

Grace: What - or who - inspired the character of Jew Lo?

Brynn: The idea for Jew Lo came about accidentally, as most creative inspiration does. I was out of sorts but required to attend a friend’s birthday party one night. I had no desire to put much effort into getting dressed, though the birthday girl was a big fan of my style and propensity to go out as different characters. Ultimately, I tied a scarf around my head and wore sunglasses, big hoops, and lipstick, which I initially thought of as a cop out. When I got to the door, someone, I can’t remember if it was the birthday girl or not, asked who I was that night. Out came “Jew Lo”. By the end of the night, I had the first few lyrics of the Jew Lo song penned on a cocktail napkin.

Grace: So the Jew Lo is from Long Island. After moving to the West-SIIIDE is she still just Jew Lo from the block? Is she still keepin’ it real, east coast style?

Brynn: Once east coast, always east coast! Once a New York Jew, always a New York
Jew!

Grace: What block is Jew Lo from? I’m guessing Massapequa, Long Island (otherwise known as Matzoh Pizza due to its Jewish and Italian population), or is it another preferred ‘hood of the tribe?

Brynn: Actually, Jew Lo is from Great Neck, so in the song, it’s “Great Great Neck” instead of “South South Bronx”. Great Neck is notorious for wealth, doctors, lawyers, financiers, manicured lawns, fancy homes, kids getting beamers for their 17th birthdays. But it’s also practically within earshot of Manhattan. As kids, we would go into the city to attend teen dance parties and sometimes sneak off to Limelight. Considering Jew Lo to be somewhat of a caricature of me, I would say we are both products of these unscrupulous adventures and the drag queens we followed to find out where the real party was.

Grace: Are you single?

Brynn: I am not single. My girlfriend of 7 1/2 years and I co-wrote the “Jew Lo” lyrics and she did an incredible job on the production design for the video. We had actually talked about getting married in 2009 but as with so many, we were dealt a huge blow by Proposition 8. Another thing I should mention is that my girlfriend is Irish. While we are very lucky that she has a green card, we both want to see immigration rights for same sex couples and we will be marching with Out4Immigration in Sunday’s pride march.

Grace: What about Jew Lo? Is she single?

Brynn: As it says on her Facebook page, it’s complicated.

Grace: After this film, will Jew Lo retire — or will she “retire” like Jay-Z and Eminem and make a comeback?

Brynn: The adventures of Jew Lo and Devorah shall continue…

Grace: Are there any other film projects in the works that we should be on the lookout for?

Brynn: I’d have to say that up until last year with LezBros, my number one ambition was to be a writer. Being on camera was never the plan. Tinkering with music was never the plan. Making films as opposed to just writing them has been hugely empowering, and a lot has changed. Seeing people find the message alongside the comedy in my work only inspires me to keep going. I think comedy has a unique power to melt hearts and change minds. I saw that with LEZBROS and the dialogue it inspired amongst straight audiences. So yes, there are more films in the works. Expect them to be smart, beautiful, and hilarious!

Grace: So, what is the ultimate goal for you? Total world domination?

Brynn: I want to be a fusion of Bette Midler and Tina Fey when I grow up!

Unless you’ve been living under a rock or held-up in a shack somewhere deep in the woods a la Ted Kaczynski, you’re well aware that June is Gay Pride month.  And if you happen to reside in the Big Apple then you more than know that June equates to weekend after weekend of Pride events all leading up the mother of all parties.  NYC Gay Pride.

Or as I fondly like to call it… THE GAY HIGH HOLY DAYS.

NYC’s Gay Pride weekend is a three day extravaganza where the beer is flowing, the bass is pulsating, and it looks like Rainbow Brite explodes on everything south of 20^th street.  And as any survivor of this weekend will tell you, go ahead and call out sick ahead of time because getting out of bed on Monday just isn’t feasible. 

But unlike the past Prides, this one has a bit more significance.  This year happens to be the 40^th anniversary of Stonewall and I am honored to say I will be marching in the parade.

For the past two years, I (along with some of the most amazing, inspiring, crazy, fierce people I know) have helped run the Big Apple Dodgeball League. Yup, that’s right. Dodgeball.  We’re 160 members strong, have an unwilling love for Flip Cup, and as you already figured out… LGBT.

When I’m asked why I chose to spend countless hours of my free time drawing up schedules, organizing league outings, and occasionally shopping for new balls ( take a moment and let your inner 12 year old giggle), I always give the same response.  I’m not very political nor was born with disposition of an activist, but do believe in LGBT sports.  So dodgball is my small way of giving back to the community as a whole.

Sure, we might just gather once a week to chuck rubber balls at each other.  And yes, we often tend to be a “drinking league with a dodgeball problem”.  But we also provide a welcoming environment. One where gay and lesbians not only feel comfortable with each other but are friends. We celebrate  each other’s triumphs, share in each other’s sorrows, and most importantly help foster a strong sense of gay family.  

And for that, I’m truly proud.

So, all I ask of you, is that sometime during the 72 hour marathon of shots, rainbow leis, and singing along to Diana Ross’ “I’m Coming Out” for the 50^th time, you take a moment to reflect on what you are truly proud of.  Because that’s the definition of pride after all

 HAPPY PRIDE!

You know how they say you can play Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” in synch with the movie, “The Wizard of Oz” which leads to some crazy, trippy experience? Well, I’ve pulled lyrics from five Kelly Clarkson songs and paired them with five memorable relationships from “The L Word.” Although far less trippy, for anyone still questioning Clarkson’s sexuality (and aren’t we all?) these coincidences should give you a good laugh. Stick around ‘til the end for a bonus blast from the past, in more ways than one..  

1. “My Life Would Suck Without You” (All I Ever Wanted)
Jenny to Shane (season 6)

“Guess this means you’re sorry// You’re standing at my door// Guess this means you take back// All you said before// Like how much you wanted// Anyone but me// Said you’d never come back// But here you are again// Cause we belong together now// Forever united here somehow// You got a piece of me// And honestly// My life would suck without you//Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye//maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight// I know that I got issues// but you’re pretty messed up too// either way I found out I’m nothing without you//being with you is so dysfunctional//I really shouldn’t miss you but I can’t let you go//”

So in the first couple lines, she references the season six opener when Shane’s locked out of Jenny’s house. Then she continues to describe that it’s no secret that Jenny’s got some issues, and Shane is pretty messed up too. However, with that next line, I beg to differ, Kelly. They probably could have been something without each other, like less messed up.. maybe. Alright so they might not have been the perfect couple, but this song was so perfect for them, it’s almost scary.

2. “Never Again” (My December)
Bette to Tina (season 2)

“I hope when you’re in bed with her// You think of me// I would never wish bad things// But I don’t wish you well// Does it hurt// To know I’ll never be there// Bet it sucks// To see my face everywhere// It was you// Who chose to end it like you did// I was the last to know// You knew// Exactly what you were doing// Don’t say// You simply lost your way// They may believe you// But I never will// Never again//”

Ok, this was an easy one to peg. Kelly was ridin’ for her home girl on this one. She was definitely on Team Tina. When I hear this song, all I can think is, “Did you F*CK all NIGHT before you told her I was the love of your life??!” Epic table flip. End scene. If only this song would have started playing as Tina stormed out.

3. “Already Gone” (All I Ever Wanted)
Shane to Carmen (season 3)

“Remember all the things we wanted// Now all our memories they’re haunted// We were always meant to say goodbye// Even with our fists held high// It never would’ve worked out right// We were never meant for do or die// I didn’t want us to burn out// I didn’t come here to hurt you// Now I can’t stop// I want you to know// That it doesn’t matter// Where we take this road// Someone’s gotta go// And I want you to know// You couldn’t have loved me better// But I want you to move on// So I’m already gone// Looking at you makes it harder// But I know that you’ll find another// Who doesn’t always make you wanna cry// Started with a perfect kiss then// We could feel the poison set in// Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive// You know that I loved you so// I love enough to let you go//”

All right — don’t get all sentimental on me, Clarkson. I know you saw Shane leave Carmen at the altar and immediately took pen to paper to come up with this one. R.I.P. Sharmen, how we miss thee.

4. “Long Shot” (All I Ever Wanted)
Jenny to Nikki (season 5)

“So now I take a chance on// This thing we may have started// Intentional or not// I don’t think we saw it coming// It’s all adding up to something// My heart beat beats me senselessly// Why’s everything gotta be so intense with me// I’m trying to handle all this unpredictability// And our probability// It’s a long shot// But I say why not// It’s a long shot// Just to beat these odds// The chance is we won’t make it// But I know if I don’t take it// There’s no chance// Cause you’re the best I’ve got//”
Now that I think about it, any couple that Jenny was a part of was never really a fan favorite. (Correct me if I’m wrong) But I will admit that I did kind of like Jenny and Nikki together and apparently so did Kelly. She just wanted to give those two crazy kids a chance. Just like me. Too bad it ended up being a “sho-mance” or whatever Ilene Chaiken was trying to add to her list of terms, right under “nipple confidence” and “third-wheel crush.”

5. “I Want You” (All I Ever Wanted)
Alice to Tasha (season 4)

“Hot temper with the shortest fuse// You’re such a mess with an attitude// You’re working hard but you’re paying more// You never talk cause you don’t have to// I want you// I want you// You never settle never take too much// You count on me just like I count on you// Kiss me like when I first saw you// Figured out couldn’t be without you// I want you// I want you// No one else will do// No one makes me smile// No one gets me how// No one else is you// I want you// I want you// You and me// Walking together// Screwing up// For worse or for better// I want you//”
Alice and Tasha became the antidote to every other couple on The L Word. (Minus the juggernaut that is TiBette) They were one of the best things to happen after the devastation of season 3 and continued to be one of the only things holding the show together at the end. Alice was head over heels over Tasha and apparently we weren’t the only ones that noticed.

Bonus: “Since U Been Gone” (Breakaway)
Jenny to Marina (season 1)

I can’t even pick a specific section of this song to highlight. I mean, “Here’s the thing//We started out friends// It was cool// But it was all pretend//?” From the get-go this thing is L Word gold. The whole thing is basically the story of Jenny and Marina’s relationship, so instead I provide you with the video.

Come on. You know Jenny totally would have done that to Marina’s house given the chance. She really wanted to just rip open that huge garbage bag and throw the contents everywhere. (What did she really have in there anyway? She must have had A LOT of ripped tights and jean skirts) I mean, she already threw that bottle of wine at Marina’s window, that was just the beginning..

I am all woman. Between the legs, between the ears, and between the lines, everything about me says: “I’m a lady, hear me roar.” This was not always true in my life. There was a time (somewhere around age ten) when I donned the label of “tomboy,” cut my hair short, wore boys clothes, and secretly liked it when people thought I was a little man. Then came Catholic school, lots of tights, skirts, and fun friends who taught me the joys of make-up and flat-irons. Some time in my late teens, my hair decided to come out of the closet long before the rest of me, and no amount of make-up could make up for my still androgynous taste in attire and soccer-jock swagger from the back. “Excuse me, sir?” was the mocking refrain of my day-to-day; only this time, there was no secret smile on the inside. No, by then I had released my identification as a “tom boy” and pushed into full on D.I.D. disorder (no, not Dissociative Identity Disorder—though, arguably similar, in this case I’m referring to “Dyke in Denial” disorder).

So, years later, after hours of therapy, semesters in theater school, and more female relationships than I care to count, I’ve grown quite comfortable in my feminine skin. I have a girly hair-cut, always wear eye-make-up, and carry myself with a sense of decorum (I thought) worthy of any female character.

This evening, however, I ran out of my apartment to drop off some laundry and pick up a six pack wearing a pair of loose jeans and a pony tail—apparently, this was all it took to warrant that old familiar phrase, “Excuse me, sir?” When a woman with her back to me heard the sound of my voice. This insult was compounded by the cashier’s refusal to sell me the six-pack because I wasn’t carrying my ID—for the record, I’m WELL over twenty-one, and the dual-action insult amounted to my leaving the store feeling like somehow, the public perceives me as a teenage boy. And, as a grown woman who’s gone through all the stages, I have to say, I found this a little insulting. Am I alone here? Does anyone else get this? Does it agitate anyone else? Help a sister out. I feel like after a certain age, after puberty maybe, or maybe it’s just after you’ve committed to a different aesthetic, it’s totally insulting to be called by the wrong pronoun. I’m not transgendered, I’m not really even butch, I’m an average female, and it took a lot of work to get me here—I’d like a little acknowledgement for having achieved a level of femininity that suits my taste and pleases my mother. Is that so wrong?

Little known fact… well not that little known if you happen to be one of those lucky few who knows me in a “it’s a 2 for 1 Happy Hour and they’ve got Cherry Wheat on tap” sorta way. There are very few things in life that irk me. Children? Can’t get enough of them. Animals? Adore them (except horses but that’s a whole other blog post in itself). Geriatric drivers who can’t see over the steering wheel? Ok, I’ll admit it. They bug the crap out of me. But that’s easily rectified by blasting my radio.

There’s one thing, though, that pushes my buttons to no end. Self-appointed Grammar Police.

Lesbians like to play Grammar Police… No, scratch that. They LIVE for it. One missed comma. One misspelled word. A “your” instead of a “you’re” and presto! Suddenly, every PHD wielding, New Yorker subscribing, self-proclaimed “enlightened” lesbian in a 50 mile radius comes crawling out of the woodworks just to inform you of your glaring mistake.

Sure it’s tempting. On many of occasions, I too have succumbed to the urge. Chalk it up to a little bit of Schadenfreude and that overwhelming need to be overly competitive. And honestly there’s nothing really wrong with pointing out a “their vs. they’re” every now and then.

But most Grammar Police can’t just stop at one misused colon. Oh no! They not only give in to the urge but go that extra step to silently (or sometimes not so silently) judgments those that live in the land of typos. And it’s this that drives me up a wall.

I’d like to state for the record that typos, misplaced commas, even a wrong word now and then are ok. It’s happens… especially when one is pounding out a blog post at 3 am after working an 11 hr day.

So, the next time you feel that urge to show off your grammar superiority by pointing out a mistake, take a moment, stop, and think about the fact that you aren’t the only one who can still sing “Conjunction Junction” by heart.

The marriage equality movement has taken a few punches lately. Prop 8 passed in November, and this week, the Justice Department wrote a brief in support of DOMA in which it placed same sex marriages on the same level as incest. Gays and lesbians everywhere licked their wounds and quickly moved to counterattack. That is, all except the enlightened lesbians.

In any Prop 8 protest or marriage equality rally, there are always a few enlightened lesbians who appear just to enlighten everyone around them. They moan, groan and rail against the marriage equality movement for being a waste of time. Enlightened lesbians are prone to ranting that same sex marriage activists are “buying into rich white heterosexual culture,” because they are privy to the closely guarded secret that only rich white people get married.

Enlightened lesbians are often highly educated and learned these secrets at their expensive private colleges. Private liberal arts colleges are excellent choices for safeguarding such secrets. After all, expensive liberal arts colleges are full of poor brown people who are always ready and willing to enlighten lesbians that marriage is for rich white folks. Furthermore, if same-sex marriage were to become legal in all 50 states, the more dusky varieties of homosexuals will all turn into pumpkins at the stroke of midnight. Enlightened lesbians certainly know how to look out for us!

The gay rights movement has long since moved from screaming “We’re here, we’re queer!” from the outside to anyone who will listen. Now the gay rights movement is saying “We are just like you” to a much more receptive audience. Nothing provokes an enlightened lesbian more than the phrase, “We are just like you.” In fact, the fastest way to turn a bespectacled enlightened lesbian scholar into a prime candidate to guest on Jerry Springer is to voice agreement with the strategy that seeking common ground with straight people may actually be productive. She will – yet again - start ranting about “buying into rich white heterosexual culture,” because straight people and rich white people are one and the same, and the phrase “buying into rich white heterosexual culture” is always on point and if you use it, you automatically win the debate.

The phrase “rich white heterosexual culture” is the enlightened lesbian’s code phrase for “mainstream culture.” Enlightened lesbians are resistant to mainstreaming, because they believe that their gayness makes them fundamentally different and special. Should society end up treating gayness as ordinary, enlightened lesbians might have to rely on other attributes such as talent, intelligence and personality to be extraordinary. This is proof that enlightened lesbians are indeed more enlightened than the unwashed masses of unenlightened lesbians, because why should one work hard to be extraordinary if you can just be born that way?

So the next time you see other lesbians marching in a marriage equality rally, shame them into accepting their inherent specialness by telling them that they are buying into the oh-so-unspecial “rich white heterosexual culture.” If they want the same rights and responsibilities of all of those boring married people, they can hire a cadre of expensive attorneys to draft wills, trusts, health care proxies, powers of attorney – just like those unmarried poor people. They will immediately sense that they are in the presence of greatness and thank you for showing them the error of their ways.