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Grace Chu

Stuff Lesbians Like Part 6: Looking down on “unenlightened lesbians”

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Lesbians like to look down on unenlightened lesbians and tell them how unenlightened they are. Unenlightened lesbians want silly things like same-sex marriage, the right to adopt children and the option to serve openly in the military. In other words, unenlightened lesbians want to live their lives among the rest of society without being harassed, and this makes enlightened lesbians froth at the mouth with anger.

Enlightened lesbians are disappointed that unenlightened lesbians don’t understand that supporting things like same-sex marriage is unenlightened. For example, when an unenlightened lesbian voices her support of full marriage rights, an enlightened lesbian will become very upset, shake her fist, and attempt to put the unenlightened lesbian in her place. To highlight the gravity of the unenlightened lesbian’s most grievous faux pas, the enlightened lesbian will use one or more of the following big words to scare the unenlightened lesbian: “heteronormative,” “patriarchy,” “institutionalize,” or “assimilationist.” See, the enlightened lesbian read a lot of books in grad school and learned to regurgitate these big words verbatim, and therefore, she is more enlightened than other lesbians.

When an unenlightened lesbian responds that she just wants to be able to do things like visit her partner at the hospital if her partner is sick and to have her kids treated like human beings instead of society’s outcasts, the enlightened lesbian’s face will turn red and she will declare that such rights aren’t the point. It is the principle that matters! The enlightened lesbian will explain that, hundreds of years ago, marriage was an institution whereby a woman was given to a man to possess, and consequently, marriage is a “patriarchal” institution that any self-respecting lesbian must reject.

If the unenlightened lesbian wants to avoid looking like a simpleton, she should simply nod her head and agree.

The truly unenlightened lesbian, however, instead of accepting the enlightened lesbian’s explanation as gospel, will then foolhardily ask whether the woman-as-property framework still applies in 2008 in the United States. This is a no-no. Such an ignorant comment will cause the enlightened lesbian to launch into a furious tirade.

Lesbians are a different breed! Lesbians are not like everyone else! Lesbians are supposed to live in the hills and run with tigers and wolves! Marriage was created by the straight world, and all institutions created by the straight world are inherently oppressive and must be smashed!

The unenlightened lesbian becomes very confused. After all, rugby and golf were probably invented by straight people, and lesbians love to play rugby and golf. Beer was probably invented by straight people, and lesbians love beer. (And as to marriage, matrimony is one of the seven sacraments of Catholicism, but no one really believes that all those men in the Vatican who enforce that sacrament are really straight!)

The enlightened lesbian then makes one final effort to discern whether the unenlightened lesbian is a lost cause or if there is a glimmer of hope that she isn’t the wrong kind of lesbian. The enlightened lesbian will lean in slyly, wink knowingly and whisper, “I know what you’re up to! You want to ‘subvert’ the institution from the inside! How ‘transgressive!’ I knew you were a secret radical!” The unenlightened lesbian, however, has no clue as to what the enlightened lesbian is talking about and states simply, “What’s so bad about marriage? My sister is straight, and she isn’t out to oppress me. She’s married to a wonderful man, and they seem to be doing fine. What is there to tear down, and why are you so angry?”

At this point, the enlightened lesbian is so frustrated by the unenlightened lesbian’s willful ignorance that she screams, “Feh!” and runs off to have enlightened conversations with her enlightened friends far away from the unwashed masses of unenlightened lesbians.

The unenlightened lesbian then throws her hands up in defeat. The unenlightened lesbian sighs and realizes that she must simply just accept the fact that she is unenlightened. The unenlightened lesbian, being simple and somewhat dim, took the wrong types of classes, like multivariable calculus and organic chemistry, so she isn’t educated enough to desire what enlightened lesbians desire and to understand why lesbians aren’t essentially the same as everyone else. Unenlightened lesbians aren’t enlightened enough to be satisfied with living in the hills and running with tigers and wolves in a land far, far away from the rest of the world — because, you see, unenlightened lesbians are so unenlightened that they want the world.

17 Responses to “Stuff Lesbians Like Part 6: Looking down on “unenlightened lesbians””

  1. Elise Says:

    Nice. Perhaps you can do an amusing evolution of marriage. In comics? Or photoshopped panels? Or using characters from the L Word?

    BRING BACK JODI!

    hmph.

  2. The Mr. Cooper You Hang With Says:

    Where’s that picture from?

  3. apostatepakistanigirl Says:

    Oh god it’s so true, now being someone who doesn’t screw outside my own ethnic group i am speaking about desai and in particular Pakistani lesbians (especially those I meet through blogging), and there is a whole thing about looking down on those who aren’t well versed in the dialectics of progressive theory. If you aren’t, and don’t want to be, you can still however win out by dropping enough names because Pakistani lesbians love to be progressive and well connected at the same time. Fashion, we love fashion, and if you’ve got a background in fashion, art or film, even if you sre politically ignorant-it’s fine. All of which left me in a dilemma as I didn’t fit into any group, though I had done film studies, of course, that’s not the point- what really counts is SUCCESS. So I opted to become a rad fem- now, as an enlightended Pakistani lesbian things are great, but gone are conversations about waxing, cosmetics and Bollywood; at least until my new partner really knows me and the real me shyly peeps out of the woodwork again. Great blog site!!
    http://apostatepakistanigirl.wordpress.com/

  4. Grace Chu Says:

    “Apostate Pakistani Girl” is the best name for a blog I’ve seen in a long time.

  5. Anna Says:

    I just referenced this post to make fun of some d-bag at afterellen. Granted she was upset trish bendix wasn’t enlightened about lesbian fashion/gender expression throughout ALL of history, rather than contemporary lesbian fashion. But needless to say, this blog post had to have been writen about “noir”

  6. emily Says:

    yes!

    unenlightened statement: “i want to get married.”

    enlightened response: “take a minute to examine the (dis)embodied agency of your patriarchal mimeticism through the ga(y)ze of the q/ueer false conscious(nesses).”

  7. Alex Says:

    I am such an unenlightened lesbian… I avoid gender studies majors like the plague :P

  8. Rog Says:

    The LPGA Weekend in Northwest Arkansas is fast becoming synonymous with a lesbian love fest, but not for the organizers who originally intended it to be a prestigious golf tournament.

    Held annually at the Pinnacle Country Club, the Northwest Arkansas LPGA Weekend is quickly becoming a destination for lesbians seeking a vacation getaway spot for lesbian couples and also singles looking for action.

    Known for its “Natural State” theme, this LPGA event is attracting thousands of women for one long party not so commonly tolerated elsewhere.

    This festival has its humble lesbian origins in 2007, when the owners of a successful California-based lesbian club attended the Northwest Arkansas golf tournament.

    Sensing an opportunity to create an alternative to the popular Palm Springs LPGA week of lesbian and gay fun, they started promoting hotel packages, music, and parties during the Northwest Arkansas LPGA weekend.

    “The LPGA event in Northwest Arkansas has an aloft Hotel, Eureka Springs nearby, plus a fantastic art, food, and music festival taking place across the street, making it more than just a weekend of golf,” says one lesbian friend.

    The 2008 Northwest Arkansas LPGA event initially targeted golfers and spectators for in-between breaks. The lesbian party is quickly morphing into a lesbian festival, largely due to, some claim, the closeted female golfing community, “comprising up to 60 percent of the crowd,” as one local lesbian observer claims.

  9. Grace the Spot | Stuff Lesbians Like Part 114: Continuing to follow Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson due to a severe lack of young queer female celebrities Says:

    [...] Lindsay Lohan into the sisterhood was, for some reason, unacceptable to a subset of “enlightened” lesbians, and because lesbians are known for their bravery around “enlightened” [...]

  10. Mildly_Miffed_Feminist Says:

    If heteronormative,” “patriarchy,” “institutionalize,” and “assimilationist” fail to make an impact on the unenlightened lesbian, there is a word in reserve: “hegemonic!” I am willing to bet that most of the people who use that word do not know what it actually means.

  11. JollyRoger Says:

    “…took the wrong types of classes, like multivariable calculus and organic chemistry…”

    “…running with tigers and wolves in a land far, far away from the rest of the world…”

    Grace Chu, you’ve just made me snort a mouthful of coffee all over my nice new flat screen. ROFLMAO!

  12. svink Says:

    This may be one of the bloody most genius parodies I’ve ever read. Thanks for making me laugh :)

  13. Stuff Lesbians Like Part 117: Representin’ Says:

    [...] phenomenon is different than being the token lesbian friend to that one “enlightened” hetero. It is also different than constantly having to explain to “that straight girl” that [...]

  14. Adrian Says:

    What’s up?. Thanks for the info. I’ve been digging around for info, but there is so much out there. Yahoo lead me here – good for you i suppose! Keep up the good work. I will be coming back in a couple of days to see if there is updated posts.

  15. A Decade of Lesbian Entertainment, Politics, and General Silliness Part 5: 2004 – The year of The L Word Says:

    [...] The show features a bevy of glamorous tv-ready lesbians with cool jobs, which irritates a few vocal “enlightened” sort of lesbians but comes as a relief to the rest of us, who are excited to see the acceleration of the death of [...]

  16. Stuff Lesbians Like Part 119: Policing others in matters that have no political ramifications whatsoever Says:

    [...] (Stuff Lesbians Like #38). Therefore, lesbians often have an uncontrollable urge to “enlighten” others in the arena of politics and activism with the zeal of Elliot Stabler in Law and [...]

  17. Stuff Lesbians Like #122: Dancing Ironically Says:

    [...] the latest American Idol singer or that “Like a G6” song comes on, and later when your “enlightened” lesbian friend asks you whether you like that shit? You can say “dude, I was being [...]

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