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Grace Chu

Dear Washington Mystics: Have you never heard of cooties?


A couple of days ago, WNBA team the Washington Mystics was asked why they did not have Kiss Cams at their basketball games, a question that caused a moment of awkwardness and an even more awkward answer. Why? Because the spectators at WNBA games generally fall into two categories: (1) dads and their daughters and (2) lesbians. If a Kiss Cam were to be installed at Mystics games, little innocent children could be subjected to the horrific view of two women locking lips. Shocking, yes. I know.

But really — the Kiss Cam is an invention of the sports industry intended to embarrass lovebirds caught in the act of smooching by putting them up for ridicule on the Jumbotron when nothing interesting is happening on the field or on the court. Its purpose is not meant to celebrate the bond of love between two human beings or to promote the message that heterosexual kissing is normal; its purpose is to catch unsuspecting couples tongue wrestling and to turn them into a juvenile form of entertainment. Perhaps this is why Kiss Cams are broadcasted in the cheapest and cheesiest neon pink and red hooker colors with goofy 99 cent hooker style fonts.

The Kiss Cam takes us back to elementary school when all of us believed that kissing causes cooties. Back when we were in grade school, all of us found kissing to be, like, “grody to the max!” At movies, when the awkward first kiss between the two leading characters would inevitably be forced upon us on the big screen, we’d cover our eyes and say “Gross!” The thought of touching your tongue to another person’s tongue was simply horrifying and disgusting. The Kiss Cam is basically an excuse for 30-year-olds to point at the Jumbotron and say “Yuck! Those two need to find a room!” or “Ewwww!” and then laugh at them because they were caught making out.

My advice: chill out. Install the Kiss Cams at WNBA games, because lesbians should be ridiculed just as much as straight people, and kids don’t really care who is kissing whom. Methinks that the management needs to realize that kids find ALL kissing to be distasteful, cootie-ridden and nasty. It’s something icky that those silly adults do, so the only way to make kids more comfortable at sporting events is to remove Kiss Cams altogether, which – let’s face it – isn’t happening anytime soon. Finally, Kiss Cams reinforce the idea that even adults find public kissing to be something to be giggled about and be embarrassed over, so installing one at WBNA games will provide something over which the entire family – both kids and adults – can have a quality bonding experience.

One Response to “Dear Washington Mystics: Have you never heard of cooties?”

  1. Vikki Says:

    We installed a “kiss cam” to be used during our kids’ birthday parties. It separates the homophobes from the chaff.

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