Lesbians like house parties. Whereas gay guys have an endless supply of gay bars to frequent, there are only about two or three venues catering primarily to lesbians on any given night, even in a city as large as NYC. Therefore, it is crucial that you make friends with a lesbian with a spacious apartment or town home whom you can convince to throw a house party. That way, you can have more venues at which to socialize. A lesbian house party is a perfect way to exclude the undesirables, like your ex, your evil ex-best-friend who stiffed you on your rent, the girl who won’t stop staring at you at Henrietta’s and other riff raff, whom you would most likely run into out on the town.

If you are a single lesbian, keep your ears open for the next lesbian house party. A lesbian house party is a perfect place to meet other single lesbians vetted by your friends! At every lesbian house party, the guest list will usually start at a modest number, but twice as many people will show up, because single lesbians will hear about it and will manage to get themselves invited. But no worries… the more the merrier!

When you go to a lesbian house party, you must not arrive empty-handed. Remember, half of the people who show up will not be on the original guest list, and the host cannot be expected to purchase alcohol for you, your entourage, and your entourage’s single friends. When you go to a lesbian house party, bring beer. Lesbians like beer. Although all lesbians like beer, pinpointing the exact type of beer to bring can be tricky. Some lesbians, usually the ones who also drink wine, prefer Belgian beers like Duvel, Leffe or Kwak. Others like domestic microbrews like Magic Hat, Fat Tire, or Saranac. Others like watery domestic beer, like Coors or Bud Light and will be afraid to try anything that doesn’t taste like chilled urine. If you are unsure, bring something like Blue Moon or Sam Adams. Everyone will drink Blue Moon or Sam Adams. But never bring PBR. Nothing screams bi-curious hipster girl louder than PBR.

When you attend a lesbian house party, relax. You will not be expected to dress up, be chained to a dinner table, or be expected to flatter people via well-placed and detailed compliments about the quality of their food or possessions. Those are things that gay guys like. Besides, lesbians save that for fundraisers (upcoming post).

But do not be too relaxed. Lesbian house parties tend to be spirited and even boisterous, but this does not mean you can be uncivilized. At every lesbian party, someone will end up making a scene. For example, one couple may get drunk and start tongue-wrestling and grinding as if they are being filmed for “Girls Gone Wild” or “Sorority Sluts, Part 2″. They may also drop their beers and stain the carpet. You do not want to be that couple. Everyone at the party will notice and give that couple a nickname that they won’t be able to shed for months. At the next L Word gathering, people will ask, “Are the ‘sorority sluts’ coming?” Every group of lesbians has “that girl” or “that couple.” If you don’t know who “that girl” or “that couple” is, you probably are that girl or that couple.

(If you find yourself being “that girl” or “that couple”, don’t worry. Inevitably, at a future house party, someone will break a sink off the walls while drunkenly making out with another guest, get into a heated domestic dispute, or become uneducated and curse someone out, and the torch will be passed to them.)

If you are a straight girl attending a house party thrown by your lesbian friend, do not be concerned if you seem to be getting a lot of attention by the lesbian guests. Lesbians have a hopeless tendency to hit on straight girls, so if you are a straight girl and find yourself being smiled or winked at by several guests at the party, treat such incidents as an affirmation of your heterosexuality.

If the lesbian hosting the party has a large flat surface in her town home or apartment, prepare for a game of beer pong. Winning at beer pong will raise your social standing in the lesbian community. If you are a lesbian social climber, you might want to practice bouncing ping pong balls at home into cups of beer to practice for the big night.

When a lesbian hosts a house party, and two people meet at the house party and start dating, the host will end up being a hero. (And no more than two weeks after the house party, the host will be handsomely rewarded by being asked to help carry furniture when the new couple moves in together!) When the beleaguered host looks into the new couple’s misty eyes, she will understand that the clogged toilet, the broken glass on the floor, the still-noticeable smell of beer and stained carpet were well worth it.