Lesbians like entourages. A lesbian’s entourage is her protective cloak in the Darwinian wilderness known as the lesbian scene.
Before a lesbian comes out, she may mistakenly believe that once she announces her membership in the sisterhood, lesbians everywhere will welcome her into the community with open arms. They will whisk her off to Paradise Island, where Wonder Woman will anoint her as the newest Amazon tribe member, and she will frolic forever in a semi-secret society known for its love, acceptance and solidarity. This is about as close to reality as a not-yet-out-of-the-closet gay guy’s belief that gay guy society is a parade of emotionally well-adjusted Abercrombie and Fitch models.
When a newly-out lesbian takes her first tottering steps into the lesbian scene, no one cues her entrance music and no one offers her an extended hand. The lesbian scene is less like the Amazon society depicted in the Wonder Woman television series and is more like the wilds of the Amazon rain forest where the law of the jungle prevails.
For a newly-out lesbian, lesbian bars are often lonely and frightening places that bring back memories of being the new girl walking into a high school cafeteria for the first time. Lesbians will avoid eye contact and will rarely say “hi.” Lesbians will stand in a circle and talk amongst one another, oblivious to everyone around them. Coming out is hard enough. Having to repeat high school in an alternate universe where conventional rules of fashion, hairstyles and mannerisms do not apply adds yet another layer of difficulty to the new lesbian’s travails.
Thus, joining or forming a lesbian entourage is an essential step in finding one’s place in the callous high school lunchroom that is the lesbian community.
The easiest way to become part of a lesbian entourage is to get picked up at a bar, sleep with that person, date her for two weeks, have an emotional and tear-soaked breakup and then become friends. That person is usually the group slut, and everyone in the group has slept with her. Thus, the new recruit will automatically have something in common with everyone else in the group.
Another option is to go to grad school. For the price of a Lexus LS460, she can spend the next two years ostensibly studying while cherry-picking her perfect entourage. For those with no interest in getting a masters in the humanities, law school is another option. A law degree can be hers for the price of a Ferrari F430. (Why not just get a Ferrari, you ask? Because lesbians are not heterosexual males. Buying a Ferrari will not get you laid, whereas law schools are teeming with lesbians, because lesbians like to read and they like to argue.)
If a lesbian is patient, she can wait until Pride Weekend, when lesbians suddenly become nice for a day, and someone will eventually take pity on her and take her in. The last resort is Craig’s List. But keep in mind, Craig’s List is a last resort and is only for the truly desperate.
Each member of a lesbian entourage plays a distinct role in the group. The ringleader. The funny one. The serious one. The shy one. The player. The drunk. The enabler. Miss Thang. The girl with the collection of stupid hats. The slut who sleeps with everyone in the entourage. The hopeless romantic who falls in love with the slut. The girl who patiently listens to the hopeless romantic’s tearful rants about her feelings for the slut. And of course, “that girl.”
The lesbian entourage also serves many other functions, such as looking out for the shy single lesbian. Members of the entourage will engage in kind and supportive acts, such as physically shoving the shy one into a circle of lesbians on the dance floor to force her to socialize and then running away laughing. They may also protect other members from predatory animals by slyly cutting in and deflecting the predator’s attention away from the prey so that the prey may escape into the wilds of the jungle. They will also prevent emergency room visits by convincing a drunken member of the entourage that popping the bra strap of a 200 lb. bulldyke standing in front of her for amusement is an extremely unwise decision.
The lesbian entourage is the key to survival in the lesbian world. Your entourage will keep you from being lost in the wilderness, and it will also keep you from being arrested and/or beaten into a pulp.