 | Stuff Lesbians Like Part 11: EntouragesBy Grace Chu |
Lesbians like entourages. A lesbian’s entourage is her protective cloak in the Darwinian wilderness known as the lesbian scene.
Before a lesbian comes out, she may mistakenly believe that once she announces her membership in the sisterhood, lesbians everywhere will welcome her into the community with open arms. They will whisk her off to Paradise Island, where Wonder Woman will anoint her as the newest Amazon tribe member, and she will frolic forever in a semi-secret society known for its love, acceptance and solidarity. This is about as close to reality as a not-yet-out-of-the-closet gay guy’s belief that gay guy society is a parade of emotionally well-adjusted Abercrombie and Fitch models.
When a newly-out lesbian takes her first tottering steps into the lesbian scene, no one cues her entrance music and no one offers her an extended hand. The lesbian scene is less like the Amazon society depicted in the Wonder Woman television series and is more like the wilds of the Amazon rain forest where the law of the jungle prevails.
For a newly-out lesbian, lesbian bars are often lonely and frightening places that bring back memories of being the new girl walking into a high school cafeteria for the first time. Lesbians will avoid eye contact and will rarely say “hi.” Lesbians will stand in a circle and talk amongst one another, oblivious to everyone around them. Coming out is hard enough. Having to repeat high school in an alternate universe where conventional rules of fashion, hairstyles and mannerisms do not apply adds yet another layer of difficulty to the new lesbian’s travails.
Thus, joining or forming a lesbian entourage is an essential step in finding one’s place in the callous high school lunchroom that is the lesbian community.
The easiest way to become part of a lesbian entourage is to get picked up at a bar, sleep with that person, date her for two weeks, have an emotional and tear-soaked breakup and then become friends. That person is usually the group slut, and everyone in the group has slept with her. Thus, the new recruit will automatically have something in common with everyone else in the group.
Another option is to go to grad school. For the price of a Lexus LS460, she can spend the next two years ostensibly studying while cherry-picking her perfect entourage. For those with no interest in getting a masters in the humanities, law school is another option. A law degree can be hers for the price of a Ferrari F430. (Why not just get a Ferrari, you ask? Because lesbians are not heterosexual males. Buying a Ferrari will not get you laid, whereas law schools are teeming with lesbians, because lesbians like to read and they like to argue.)
If a lesbian is patient, she can wait until Pride Weekend, when lesbians suddenly become nice for a day, and someone will eventually take pity on her and take her in. The last resort is Craig’s List. But keep in mind, Craig’s List is a last resort and is only for the truly desperate.
Each member of a lesbian entourage plays a distinct role in the group. The ringleader. The funny one. The serious one. The shy one. The player. The drunk. The enabler. Miss Thang. The girl with the collection of stupid hats. The slut who sleeps with everyone in the entourage. The hopeless romantic who falls in love with the slut. The girl who patiently listens to the hopeless romantic’s tearful rants about her feelings for the slut. And of course, “that girl.”
The lesbian entourage also serves many other functions, such as looking out for the shy single lesbian. Members of the entourage will engage in kind and supportive acts, such as physically shoving the shy one into a circle of lesbians on the dance floor to force her to socialize and then running away laughing. They may also protect other members from predatory animals by slyly cutting in and deflecting the predator’s attention away from the prey so that the prey may escape into the wilds of the jungle. They will also prevent emergency room visits by convincing a drunken member of the entourage that popping the bra strap of a 200 lb. bulldyke standing in front of her for amusement is an extremely unwise decision.
The lesbian entourage is the key to survival in the lesbian world. Your entourage will keep you from being lost in the wilderness, and it will also keep you from being arrested and/or beaten into a pulp.
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March 18th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
I believe a crucial member of the entourage was aptly left out: the non-present member. The one that always says she will come out (no double entendre intended), often firmly committing to do so, but never really makes it to the bar. The one that other members of the entourage tell fond stories of, leading you to believe that she likely embodied a different role within a bygone entourage that was much cooler than yours, but nonetheless this member is always absent. She is presumably at home watching bad pseudo-reality on Bravo.
And, who is “that girl” ?????
March 18th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
I should probably state that the entourage referenced in my post does not reflect an actual existing entourage and is instead an amalgamation of many entourages that I have come across in the past few years.
Most importantly, if you’re reading this, there is no “group slut” in our entourage. Do not become paranoid. The “group slut” is based on a few people I knew years and years ago who have moved far away (and cannot harm me if they come across this post).
[And p.s. - if you do not know who "that girl" is you are probably "that girl."]
March 19th, 2008 at 9:04 am
I just feel touched since I recall my hardness of coming out. I hated myself being like that. I forced myself to pay more attention to guys, but I,of course,failed. It took a long time for me to accept the fact of my own sexual orientation. I was young at that time and I didn’t know to whom I could tend.
March 19th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Interesting: yes, I found myself in just such an entourage many aeons ago when I came out. Surprisingly, the ‘group slut’, who has slept with everybody and thus is our six/sex degrees of separation factor has kept in touch with each and everyone of us. But the entourage itself no longer exists as such.
Nowadays, we know very few lesbians, but I would think that that’s a result of having a kid, which seems to automatically turn you into the equivalent of a Dalit in the lesbian caste system.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
LOL @ the use of the word Dalit.
Actually, times are a-changin’. Lesbians used to raise puppies. Now they raise babies. In fact, they name their babies in month two of their relationships, years before such babies even exist.
March 23rd, 2008 at 6:18 am
D.E.B.S. is like the best movie EVAR.
And I’m hoping that Lesbians like me as much as I like them.
Which is in a “You’re fabulous and I want to kiss you but I can’t cuz I’m married now” kind of way.
March 26th, 2008 at 6:52 am
Eeeow1 Who let the lesbian with a kid into the comments section?
March 26th, 2008 at 9:26 am
#7: Where have you been? This ain’t pre-Gandhi India. The revolution has so already happened. Dalits are okay now.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
@Grace Chu: forever your humble servant, henceforth to be known as the Dalit.
November 14th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
An awesome way to get membership in an entourage is to join a team, especially a gay one like rugby or softball. It works every time.
December 8th, 2008 at 11:17 am
rookie mistake: falling for the group slut. sophomore slump: becoming the group slut. executive senior membership card: enabling both to happen to other people.
June 16th, 2009 at 2:32 am
I think it should be noted that along with this…lesbians also like bitching about their entourage. They will go to great lengths to justify how they were part of the group before it became a “group” and will jump at every opportunity to claim that the others are hanging around them all the time or that they just “can’t seem to get away” though in reality they aren’t trying to. At all.
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:48 pm
How does one get an entourage? And can you survive without one?
April 13th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
[...] the mix pretty much covered, but I need some stuff that will facilitate ass shaking even though my entourage and I will be in a seated position. [...]
June 22nd, 2010 at 5:26 pm
[...] where exes appeared out of nowhere and cornered her. Maybe she was tired of the in-fighting in her entourage. Maybe it was the Barnard student who decided she could fly but lost her battle with gravity and [...]