 | Sonia! Help bring dildos to Alabama!By Grace Chu |
Yesterday, the Alabama Supreme Court took sixty-one pages to articulate why criminalizing the sale of dildos is sound public policy. Kids, if you’re convicted of selling dildos in Alabama, you could be looking at one year of hard labor, because the public must be protected from the dangers of blue silicone cocks. (But guns are okay.)
Here is the section of the Alabama code (§13A-12-200.2 (a)(1)) in question:
It shall be unlawful for any person to knowingly distribute, possess with intent to distribute, or offer or agree to distribute any obscene material or any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs for any thing of pecuniary value. Material not otherwise obscene may be obscene under this section if the distribution of the material, the offer to do so, or the possession with the intent to do so is a commercial exploitation of erotica solely for the sake of prurient appeal. Any person who violates this subsection shall be guilty of a misdemeanor and, upon conviction, shall be punished by a fine of not more than ten thousand dollars ($10,000) and may also be imprisoned in the county jail or sentenced to hard labor for the county for not more than one year. A second or subsequent violation of this subdivision is a Class C felony if the second or subsequent violation occurs after a conviction has been obtained for a previous violation. Upon a second violation, a corporation or business entity shall be fined not less than ten thousand dollars ($10,000) nor more than fifty thousand dollars ($50,000).
I can already see the conversations in chain gangs around the State of ‘Bama.
Convict #1: So, what are you here for?
Convict #2: I pistol-whipped a lady and stole her purse. Turns out she only had seventy-five cents and a vibrator in it. What are you here for?
Convict #1: I sold her the vibrator.
Convict #2: Oh DA-A-A-MN! You are GANGSTA!
Will the fine dildo peddlers of Alabama attempt to take the fight all the way to the Supreme Court, and if they do, will the Supreme Court entertain the notion of deciding whether Alabama, the lone state who insists on protecting their citizens from clit buzzers, should enter the 21st century or remain the laughingstock of the rest of the country?
You know what? The Supremes might actually hear the case.
See, once upon a time the State of Texas was known for its comical sex-related laws that took an army of lawyers and federal judges to strike down. In 2002, the Supreme Court struck down its law against man on man booty sex – and any other sort of intimate relations between two consenting adults in private – in Lawrence v. Texas, and last year, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals in Reliable Consultants v. Earle told Texas to fuck off and the vibe-lovin’ folks in Texas (and by extension, Mississippi and Louisiana) to fuck on (and on and on!) by striking down Texas’ sex toy ban, and Texas gave up and decided not to take the case to the Supreme Court.
The Eleventh Circuit (consisting of Alabama, Georgia, and Florida) had already upheld Alabama’s sex toy ban in 2007 after hearing the case for a third time.
So now there is a conflict in the federal courts – known as a circuit split – about the constitutionality of sex toy bans, and when there is a circuit split, the Supreme Court is more likely to step in and clear things up.
Furthermore, the issue is not going to be heard and resolved anywhere else, because the southeast is the only place in the United States that gets its panties in a twist when it comes to adults buying plastic toys to stick in their hoo hoos in the privacy of their own homes, and both federal circuits in the southeast (the Fifth and the Eleventh) have already ruled on the propriety of selling vibrators. (See Federal Circuit map here. Figures, right?) The rest of the United States simply doesn’t give a shit. So, the Supreme Court is pretty much the only place left to settle the dispute.
Maybe Justice Sotomayor’s first task could be liberating the sexually frustrated in Alabama by convincing Justice Scalia that masturbation – even enhanced with vibrators – still won’t make you blind. Also, I just want to hear Justice Scalia and Justice Thomas say the word “dildo.”
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September 16th, 2009 at 1:40 am
As I read this aloud to my Dad he sat in amazement and then made fun of the poor Alabama women that have never had orgasms. I have such cool parents…
September 16th, 2009 at 9:04 am
People should take to the streets with “Dildos Not Guns!” signs and the fringe lefties could carry signs that say “This law sucks my fake dick!”
September 16th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Whoever took the time to amass those 61 pages must not have ever seen/used a sex toy… otherwise they would have known that they could have better spent that time elsewhere…
September 16th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Unfortunately the courts are still disproportionally men. It is generally men who oppose vibrator sales. Maybe they think they stand a better chance of getting laid if vibrators are unavailable. I suspect that most men who oppose vibrator sales are either impotent or bad in bed. It is for sure they are all repulsive one way or another. Maybe the married ones are terrified that their wives will prefer the toys to them. The Supreme Court needs gay women on it as do all the courts. The Constitution needs some enforcement mechanism to stop these dildos from just passing more of these sex toy and other meddling authoritarian anti-sexual laws.
September 17th, 2009 at 3:15 am
I don’t think you necessarily need gay women in courts (although that would be awesome), you just need women. Good women. Liberal women. Women who like to have things buzzing in their lady parts that make them say “ooh!”, rather than crusty old men. That said, South Africa’s constitution was written largely by WMC (white, middle-class) men and we have gay marriage (not just civil union), decent abortion laws, legal sex toys (and porn, because that is, apparently, also outlawed in Alabama) and well-worded rape laws. Maybe the Eleventh Circuit just needs fewer southeastern people?
September 17th, 2009 at 9:31 am
But what about blue cock-shaped gun barrel protectors?
September 17th, 2009 at 9:35 am
Here’s an idea for a long term project: examine the process by which Massachusetts went from being a tight-assed ,Puritan-governed, Scarlet Letter-loving bunch of Bible thumpers to being the most liberal state in the Union, with gay marriage laws and a gay Jewish congressman, then apply that process to states like Alabama. My guess would be that it starts with education, and exposure to large groups of Catholic immigrants from Ireland and Italy. So who wants to volunteer to move to Al. and teach, while I go to Italy and recruit some immigrants?
September 17th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Restricting commerce during the current economic situation? That’s crazy.
What President Obama needs to do is introduce a Dollars for Dildos program that encourages us to trade in our old, conventional battery-powered models for sleek new toys that run on wind, solar or frictional power.
Dildo factories across this great nation are laying off workers by the thousands. Let’s all do our part to get America back to work!
September 17th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Alabama business minded could give away the toys to customers who are paying for something else. (ie: sell a very cheap product at the price of the give-a-way toy)
After all if it weren’t for loop holes, free market would not exist.
September 17th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
[...] get the fun of listening to those clowns Scalia and Thomas likely having to say "dildo". Sonia! Help bring dildos to Alabama! Sonia! Help bring dildos to Alabama! By Grace Chu Yesterday, the Alabama Supreme Court took [...]
September 17th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
[...] Sonia! Help bring dildos to Alabama! [...]
September 18th, 2009 at 12:39 am
[...] get the fun of listening to those clowns Scalia and Thomas likely having to say "dildo". Sonia! Help bring dildos to Alabama! Sonia! Help bring dildos to Alabama! By Grace Chu Yesterday, the Alabama Supreme Court took [...]
September 19th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Hard to believe. A law against freaking vibrators. Something is wrong with these people. Must be the moonshine they drank. To think that there are still uptight assholes who think it is there God giving right to tell others how to live their lives.
September 28th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
im hauling an 18 wheeler full of dildo’s to Alabama lets make a deal 512-695-7272
October 3rd, 2009 at 9:06 pm
How-do-you-do there I like your statements above
October 3rd, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Interesting article. Were did you develop all the selective information from…
July 13th, 2010 at 11:45 pm
i say yes to female sex toys, and no to……not having them!