 | Coming Out : An Uninspiring and Boring GuideBy Grace Maxwell |
When I was a confused 17 year old, I picked up a pamphlet on “Coming Out” at a college diversity stall. I did this quickly and discreetly, stuffing the pamphlet into my bag as if it were explicit lesbian porn. If it had been explicit lesbian porn, perhaps I would have realized I was missing out on sexy fun time, and come out right there and then. Unfortunately, it was incredibly dull and full of cheesy rhetoric, and there was no mention of any kind of fun times. Here is a sample of some of their “Top Tips” for coming out:
- Try practising on someone impartial (or your dog/cat/guinea pig/goldfish)
That’s all very well and good, unless your pet goldfish turns out to be narrow-minded and prejudiced, a Carrie Prejean of the fish world, if you will.
“Hey, Bubbles…we’ve lived together a long time…you in that glass bowl, and me on the sofa bed…but there’s something I haven’t told you…Bubbles, stop swimming in circles, this is important! I need to tell you… I’m… I’m.. g.. g.. gay. Don’t look at me like that, Bubbles, I’m still the same old gal who feeds you and changes your water. Bubbles, don’t swim into your miniature castle!” For some reason, this particular “Top Tip” did not appeal to me.
This next tip is especially relevant to lesbians who have recently come out, and who are finally happy and adjusted:
- Don’t feel obliged to tell everyone.
Does your tutorial group really need to hear that your gay while you discuss a homework assignment? Does old Mrs. Nesbitt really need to know that you plan to move in with your FEMALE partner this Spring? Does the video store guy urgently need the information that your heading to your GIRLFRIEND’S place tonight (as if he couldn’t tell be your cocky swagger that you are totally gay)? Yes, yes they do. Because this is part of every lesbians coming out experience. So feel obliged to tell anyone, anywhere, for any reason. Make constant references to your sexuality and make derogatory remarks about “hot” women, in case they didn’t catch just how totally sexually interested in them you are. Feel free to wolf-whistle and hoot at unsuspecting females loudly during this period, which usually lasts around six months from initially coming out (be careful not to continue this behavior longer than six months; you will be branded a chauvinist pig and ostracized by the enlightened lesbians, who, of course, see the female body as a temple/ battlefield/other meaningful metaphor).
- Be discreet.
“Hi Mum!” *Coughs* “i’m gay…” *coughs*
She probably didn’t catch that, since she’s watching American Idol and crunching on Doritos loudly. NEXT.
- Tell someone in a calm place with lots of home comforts around, a warm drink (not alcohol), snacks and relaxing music.
So, have The Girl From Ipanema playing in the background, a couple of frothy latte’s, and some tasty brownies…are we supposed to come out in Starbucks? Ladies, play some Tegan and Sara, Pink, Kelly Clarkson or something equally gay in your living room, get your momma a stiff drink, and forget the snacks, we don’t need a W. Bush style pretzel accident.
- Coming out is like a box of pringles, once you start you just can’t stop. But you can take a break, and it’s available in many flavours!
Wait, what? I can come out, then take a sour-cream flavour break? Um, I don’t really understand this analogy.
- Be nice to yourself and remember you’re fantastic!
No complaints here, I like being nice to myself and remembering how fantastic I am.
As enlightening as that was, my coming out guide would look more like this:
- Watch The L Word. This will help you understand the numerous references to the show amongst lesbian entourages and online.
- Read Grace the Spot’s list of Stuff Lesbians Like.
- Wink at the cute girl who works in CVS.
- Tell your Mum over a wine spritzer.
- Tell everyone except your goldfish.
- Flirt with your local gay scene.
- Get involved in some gay sports (all women’s sports teams are dominated by lesbians)/reading groups (if you’re an enlightened lesbian)/societies.
- Throw yourself out there and come back with some good war stories.
As Grace Gatsby suggested, I think here at Grace the Spot we should have a Coming Out: 100 course for the lesbian, as a refreshing alternative to all the lame crap found in pamphlets across campuses and in doctor’s surgeries.
So, dear readers, do we have any other tips and advice on Coming Out for lesbians?
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October 8th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Hey, Grace Maxwell — another excellent post! I’ve been checking out Grace the Spot for about a year now and have loved what you ladies have done with Stuff Lesbians Like. I’ve recently started coming out on the home front and can more than relate to the items you’ve listed — I’m definitely in the stage where I feel obliged to tell EVERYONE, especially when the topic is not at all relevant. Ahh, feels good to stretch after being in the closet for so long.
But yeah, I would love to see what the Graces would teach to a fledgling lesbian and, most importantly, I wonder if I would ace a course like Coming Out: 100….
October 9th, 2009 at 2:26 am
This post hits home for me with just coming out to my folks within the span of last week. My words of advice, anything can happen, and I mean anything, even if you think you’ve prepared for everything.
I have to say out of the pamphlet you picked up the Pringles analogy was my favourite.
I would love to see GracetheSpot have a Coming Out course. I think it would be informal and entertaining at the same time.
Btw, don’t forget, October 11th! National Coming Out Day!
October 9th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Coming out.. Maybe the best way is NOT to send a Facebook “I’m gay, if you don’t like it suck it” message to all 413 of your friends.
Parents, brother & sister included in said friends.
A friend of mine actually did this. His dad was sitting in the next room. On his laptop. On Facebook.
Yeah. Not so very smart.
October 9th, 2009 at 6:23 am
Yes, don’t forget the 11th Oct!
With friends we have started a Youtube celebration of (Inter)national Coming Out Day, as coming out in Poland, where we live, is still extremely difficult, with our homophobic society and awfully conservative/dull/narrow-minded politicians (and the atmosphere they create). Check it out if you happen to speak Polish
http://www.youtube.com/wyjdzzszafy
What I have always been saying(and what I partly said in “my” film) is that you need to come out sooner or later, because living in the tangle of lies, half-thruths and silences will kill you (or result in a tumor from hidden stress, which often amounts to the same). C.o. might not always be fun, but it’s wortth it.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:19 am
I would say… don’t tell your mother the Wednesday morning after you left the house suspiciously late at night to spend 2 hours making out with this girl you have the mother of all crushes on – who, incidentally, is the girl who made your hitherto-unknown sexuality smack you in the face with a fish the weekend before, which you spent swearing loudly to all and sundry that you are straight, you love cock, and you couldn’t possibly imagine doing anything other than kissing with a girl.
Eh, not the best way to come out to your mum, but 8 months on she’s relatively ok. Awkward, reluctant to mention my girlfriend, silently resentful that I spend all my free time with my girlfriend, but I dare say deep down she’s fine with it. Really, really deep down. XD
October 9th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Agreed. We could write an excellent (and humorous) handbook to the navigating the tricky process of Coming Out!
And my number #1 tip…never tell your parent while they are driving a moving vehicle. Or at least wait until a red light
October 9th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Your list is pretty much how my coming out is happening. I’m at “Tell everyone but your goldfish” now and making it know around college, toying with the idea of going on to the next step tomorrow night!
October 9th, 2009 at 11:58 am
well… when first try ing to come out a year ago I tried the phamplet-method
but it felt all weird. and nobody believed it when they heard about it.
then, a year later, I just happened to start doing what you recommend (soccer, The L-Word, the scene, the cute girls) and it feels fantastic!
oh, and maybe it could be helpful to get a “lesbian-haircut”… because my local scene was like “whoa, who’s that new girl?”. fun (:
but. DO it. since I came out in school, the number of lesbians at my school is growing.!
October 10th, 2009 at 12:27 am
I’m in my 40′s so I had to ease my parents in gradually, which worked great. Everyone else I told & told and told;-) it’s been fantastic
. For parents, turn on American Idol now that Ellen is there. My mother really likes Ellen. Ellen loves her mother. Mention how cute Portia di Rossi is….my Dad really likes Portia di Rossi;-)
Also read oh-so-great lesbian romance, like Radclyffe
coming out older, I thought would be embarassing; but it’s actually very common no one blinks an eye. So Ladies jump on out; the lesbians are totally accepting.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
I came out to my mom via text message last night. Not exactly what I was planing, but it’s how it ended up. She texted back that she pretty much always knew and it doesn’t make a difference and she is proud of me. So, yeah. (Now off to DC!)
October 12th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
No matter how much you know your mum loves you, don’t come out to her when she’s driving the car XD. The near-death experience will make the whole “I’m gay” thing seem so less of an issue though!
October 17th, 2009 at 4:04 am
Haha, omg that’s great.
I probably should have waited until a red light; if only to avoid constantly asking “Are you okay to drive?”.
I didn’t even know that I was going to come out to my mom as Bi when I did, but couldn’t stop laughing when she told me “So that’s why Ellen Degeneres was in my dream last night..”
… so thanks Ellen for preparing my mom for this! Lol
January 6th, 2010 at 5:35 pm
FIVE THINGS TO AVOID WHEN COMING OUT:
1. Avoid moving vehicles.
No one wants to pay that ticket.
2. Avoid major holiday celebrations.
The convenience of en masse revelations is outweighed by a table-full of awkward silence and/or drunken high-fives.
3. Avoid telling the school gossip.
It might be cheaper then taking out an ad in the paper, but why give up putting your own editorializing in?
4. Avoid adding your parents/siblings/extended family/school gossip to facebook.
You will slip, you will make a mistake, and it will end up on everyone and their dog’s news feed. Not good.
5. Avoid Twitter.
You are not Tila Tequila.