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Grace Chu

Stuff Lesbians Like Part 19: Being friends with their exes

By

Lesbians like to be friends with their exes. When straight people say, “Let’s be friends,” it could mean a variety of things. Sometimes it means, “This is a nice way of saying that I never want to see you again,” or even, “Please die in a fire. Thanks.” Most of time time, however, it means, “I want to have sex with you without the drama of a bad relationship.” But for lesbians, “Let’s be friends” means, “I want the drama of a bad relationship without the sex.”

Lesbians will selectively forget about things like Google and Wikipedia just so they can contact their exes to ask them stupid questions, hoping that the pretext for getting much-needed advice will lead to further discussions that reveal juicy details about their exes’ lives.

Lesbians will fabricate charitable reasons for keeping in touch with their exes. Take, for example, the following reason: “I want to make sure she is doing okay.”

Translation: “I want to check in on her every so often to see if she ends up with an unemployed drug-abusing psychopath, so I can experience the much-deserved feeling of schadenfreude.”

Even if you know the latter reason is lurking behind her (ostensibly sincere) stated reason, just nod your head and tell her what a thoughtful person she is and tell her how wonderful she is for taking the high road.

If, however, her ex DOES end up with an unemployed drug-abusing psychopath, her euphoria will quickly and suddenly morph into angst and confusion. “She chose that low-life over me?! Why?! Why am I not good enough?” At this point, you should give your friend a hug and say, “On the contrary, you were too good for her,” or “She hasn’t reached the stage of life that you have reached.” None of these statements will actually make her feel better, but you should say them anyway. Your consolations may help derail the positive feedback loop of anger and self-doubt that would otherwise result in an explosion of inappropriate behavior, such as threatening her ex on Livejournal or Facebook, which, as stated earlier, will be read by all the lesbians in her network and be treated as entertainment.

Why would anyone willingly place herself in a situation that is clearly against her interests, you ask. Isn’t the easiest way of dealing with a breakup simply to walk away, block her ex on Facebook and move on?

As stated previously, lesbians like drama. Like modern day Houdinis, lesbians will purposely place themselves in a difficult situation just so they can wriggle out of it. However, solving a problem is a double-edged sword, because although the feeling that lesbians get when they solve a problem is quite exhilarating, once a problem is solved, the problem has disappeared, and lesbians must create a new problem to replace it! Thus, the perfect situation for a lesbian is a complex and long term problem that can only be solved through years of negotiations.

The first step after a lesbian breakup is “defining the friendship.” Defining the concept of “friendship” is an easy thing to do for everyone, except for lesbians. Do not be surprised if the discussion descends into Clintonian territory:

“What does ‘friendship’ mean to you?”
“It depends on what ‘mean’ means.”

This is perfectly normal. If you run across a recently broken up couple outside of the bar having such a discussion, don’t laugh. This is serious stuff!

After several sessions of negotiating the meaning of “friendship,” the exes will then move on to discuss proper behavior within the newly defined metes and bounds of their “friendship.” Eventually, one of the exes will cross the line, and then they will have to renegotiate and redefine the appropriate boundaries of their “friendship.” Such negotiations can last months or years and will only end when both parties have found new girlfriends.

Another, more practical reason for staying friends with your ex is that, no matter how you try to avoid her, you will inevitably run into her out on the town, because even if you are in London, New York or L.A., there will only be three places on any given night that cater to lesbians. For every subsequent day you randomly enter one of the few available establishments, the probability of running into her approaches one. Think of it as a game of Lesbian Russian Roulette. So, being friends with your ex is not only a sport, it is a survival skill.

Finally, lesbians may have to stay friends for the sake of the cats. After all, you don’t want little Bootsy and Kiki on kitty Prozac, do you?

28 Responses to “Stuff Lesbians Like Part 19: Being friends with their exes”

  1. kim Says:

    oy, i just had to write, that was a very and sadly accurate account of my life. I’ll have to forward it to my growing stable of ex girlfriends who i remain “friends” with. Ha

  2. Grace Yip Says:

    Dude this is exactly why lezzies have to “leave the scene” every now and then. After all that time processing and defining, good grief.

  3. Lurker Says:

    Okay, this series has gone from lightearted and funny to PURE EVIL! Or maybe this is because I am going through a breakup and this post will be funny in a few months. Bah.

  4. A.D. Says:

    You know what they say… keep your friends close and your enemies closer! ;)

  5. Aleatoria Says:

    This post is just creepy. Far far too true.

  6. lulazoid Says:

    The only crime my ex was guilty of was coming on to every woman in a 1-km radius after she had two glasses of port. Needless to say, as a Leo, this was a little tough to take. She is and remains a friend. But oh boy, when she hits the sauce… I run… for the hills and beyond.

    So far, that means I am guilty of 3 out of 19. Oh my God, I’m not a *real* lesbian. Eek.

  7. Lori Says:

    Hmmm, I’m doing it all wrong. I have kept them around to have the sex without the drama. I wondered why it seemed too easy.

  8. tuffdawg Says:

    this post is a painful reality for all of us … i am presently tryin to figure out my current situation and i hate it … cant wait til she fins someone else so we can both move past as said in the blog

  9. pixu Says:

    The cat line had me cracking up hysterically. Too true to my life!

  10. Sardonic Says:

    hahah hilarious post! But, I don’t really have the habit of keeping my exes as friends.. its just too strange. Oh, and god… the drama… I’m a lesbian that abhors drama.. I can’t take it, not one bit

  11. tuffdawg04 Says:

    lol … you have no idea how many lesbians say “i HATE drama” … or maybe you do … i think almost every lesbian i know has made this statement more than once … but unfortunately i think the need for it is embedded somewhere deep deep down inside us that we have no control over

    p.s. i have been lucky enough to find an entourage where the drama is extrememly minimal and never long lasting :-)

  12. Cris Says:

    My ex and I ended because she’s bi and the only kind of drama I can’t handle is the kind that involves MEN. If I wanted to deal with men, I’d be straight.

    She and I are still great friends though :-)

  13. Kym Says:

    My girlfriend of almost 2 years just broke up with me a few months after we returned from a year long trip abroad. We live on different coasts and I had fairly advanced plans to relocate to her city. I’m pretty devastated, but she insists we can still be friends. Should i still move? This city should be large enough to avoid her if I need to. or should i just let go, which sounds damn near impossible right now…

  14. Elle Says:

    Dude, don’t freaking move! Just let her go. There’s no reason for you to move there anymore unless you want to make yourself miserable.

  15. shawnna Says:

    Fuk ex’s especially if you got dumped and they told you that u were a good girlfriend..this article is so true, but to add in my reasons lesbians remain friends is because they feel needy, have a hard time letting go and feel lonely if they are new in the lifestyle or have an attachment problem, or they are hoping that a person would changed their minds..its a crock of bull..move on, people come and go nothings guranteed in life. because i guarntee once the ex that said lets be friends, once she gets a new girl, the ex wont pay attention to the ex she dumped, and the dumpie would feel even more hurt..oh i learned so much from being with women.

  16. shawnna Says:

    “if you really truly love someone you cant jus be there friend” the best quote i ever heard..it makes u wonder how you can jus be friends, that person never really loved you or was not in love..they probly loved u like a friend, or was in lust with you..a person that cant be friends is because they truyly loved that person, and have balls to move on and is much more stronger, and find someone that knows what love really is. I need to say no more…

  17. Attack of the lesbian clones? Says:

    [...] happened to  others as well.  My ex-partner went to pick up my kids one time (yes,  we are a lesbian cliche and was mistaken for another  lesbian who is about eight inches taller than her.  Yes, eight [...]

  18. It’s Funny Because It’s True? « The Post-Grad World According to V.T. Chin Says:

    [...] as eating pussy. Since lesbian social circles are inexorably incestuous as lesbians insist on collecting exes as friends and are prone to developing inappropriate feelings towards their friends, plenty of opportunities [...]

  19. Erin Says:

    So what about when your current gf insists that she continues talking to her ex (even after promising she wouldn’t anymore because it hurts you) because she “just wants to be her friend and see what she’s up to”? Is this something that can’t be avoided because it’s ingrained in the lesbian psyche or a bs line because she’s still interested in her ex?

  20. D Says:

    Wow..I have to pray this isn’t how all women think! I am not into the sport of holding onto ex’s. I believe it is ok to have an acquaintanceship ,love and respect for what you shared but one door must close for another to open..and I am completely turned off with the lack of commitment and immaturity that seems to lurk around our community. Where are the non-alcoholic, intellectual, stable women hiding?

  21. juliet Says:

    Ugghhhhh….
    I just fell for the “let’s be friends.” I broke it off with ex about a year ago. She came out to visit because she was on a trip close by. I felt sort of obligated. Really thought we would just hang out and tour the town. She spent the whole time on her laptop with a new girl she just started communicating with online. One night we were watching a movie, and she sat with the computer on her lap. I was soooo uncomfortable…felt like I was just in the way. I’m just so angry right now because it seemed so disrespectful. I even told her I felt like she was crossing some boundaries, and she took it to mean that I’m not over her now. Ugghhhhh….never again!!!!!!!

  22. Stuff Lesbians Like Part 90: “Chi ku” (eating bitterness) Says:

    [...] as eating pussy. Since lesbian social circles are inexorably incestuous as lesbians insist on collecting exes as friends and are prone to developing inappropriate feelings towards their friends, plenty of opportunities [...]

  23. MM Says:

    My ex and I are on here now wondering if we can be friends or not. How lesbian is that??

  24. so true Says:

    the lesbians out there are drama queens, just like the straight women are. they want so much attention as well.

  25. Maybethatgirl Says:

    We’re women….point made.

  26. leave me alone Says:

    Mine had been stalking me for over a year! She threatened killing me and kidnapping my dog! I thought we could be “friends” but im through imvgetting a protection order! How the hellvcan I get her to forget about me?!?!?!?!?

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