It was a rainy afternoon one Sunday and I was hanging out at my parents house. Bored, I began foraging through the shelves of my sister’s old room in the hopes of finding something “intellectually stimulating” to read. Alas, my search was fruitless, and I came away with what can only be described as a self-help book for the sad and insecure (sorry sis), entitled “The Rules of Love” by Richard Templar.

I settled down in an armchair and skimmed my way through the book for almost an hour. CONCLUSION: this book provides many patronizing tips for all those confused heterosexuals out there, and makes a point of reminding them how amazing and precious they are. Well, why can’t us lesbians also be patronized and exploited by those who could profit from our insecurities too?! Oh, that’s right. We’re really tight and would never fork out for a book like that, no matter how desperate we are. Well, ladies, never fear! Here are some of the Rules of Love, free for you, and edited for lesbians 

Rule Number 36: Never Stop trying to be Attractive.

As a lesbian, the chances are you met your girlfriend at softball, dodgeball or soccer practice that time when the ball flew at your face and your nose bled like crazy. Or when you went for a Big Gay Night Out and got so wasted you could barely pronounce her name properly, let alone punch it into your phone. Or that time when you challenged your friends to a burrito-eating contest at Gringo’s, wearing fake moustache’s and sombreros. Point is, unlike our heterosexual counterparts, us lesbians tend to show off our silliest, messiest, crudest and grossest sides from the get-go. Lesbian Amendment: Never Stop Trying to Have Fun and Act Silly.

Rule Number 44: Let Them Know if you Don’t Like Their Friends.

Wow, this is a big no-no for all lesbians everywhere. A lesbian’s entourage is a very important part of her life and who she is; if you were too let her know – however tactfully- that you think her friends suck, she would be devastated; or she would just drop you like a steaming hot potato. However, not liking her friends is an unlikely scenario, since it is probably that you are part of the same friendship group. But if you do find yourself disliking her friends, it is important to make as much effort as humanly possible to get to like them – as you would expect her to do with your friends- to show how much you care.Lesbian Amendment: Make an Effort with her/your mutual Entourage.

Rule Number 47: Make Time for Romance.

“You can give each other candle-lit massages, or collect a few rose petals from somewhere, and surprise your partner by running them a bath…” Yes, yes, that’s all good and well, but Lesbians know how to be creative and romantic. Just don’t get too caught up in the poetry and whisperings of love, and forget about the sexy fun time. If you need some extra inspiration on some sexy fun time ideas, why not let Barbie and friends help you out? Lesbian Amendment: Make Time for Sexy Fun Time.

Rule 68: Keep Talking.

What did you mean by that? You know it was very hurtful when you said that. How are you feeling? Let’s talk about this. What are you trying to say? Who was that? What are you thinking about? Is there a reason you’re behaving this way? Did you remember to take those DVD’s back? Was that an ex? Are you angry? Where is the remote? Did you finish the potato chips? Then why is there an empty chips bag on the desk and crumbs all over you? Oh, so I’m exasperating now. That’s just fine. Let’s forget about this. Do you want to forget about this? Do you even care? Are you even listening? Lesbian Amendment: Talk Less.

Please feel free to insert your own lesbian advice/amendments to hetero relationship tips in the comments section. Now there’s something we can all enjoy!

Thanks to Grace Rooney for the original Lesbian Amendment.