Almost every straight woman thinks she could be a lesbian. She imagines cuddling with her favorite girlfriend and kissing her soft lips and talking about feelings and all that. It all sounds so good but, let me tell you, lesbianism is not for the faint of heart. I’ve developed a written obstacle course for those with lesbian aspirations. Who will make the cut?

So You Think You Can Be A Lesbian

1.You are choosing a new cell phone and provider so you:

a) Go for the iPhone – duh!

b) Choose Verizon because they have good deals and great coverage

c) Go with T-Mobile because Catherine Zeta Jones is kinda hot even though she is married to Michael Douglas

d) Choose Credo because they are the most socially responsible provider

If you chose (a), you get lesbian points because lesbians love their gadgets. However, with that choice, you also declare your allegiance to capitalism so you may be judged by other lesbians. If you chose (b), you clearly did not check out their annual report that shows how much they donated to Republican causes. A rookie mistake. If you chose (c), you are safe for another round for making a safe guess but we’re watching you. If you chose (d), you are clearly doing your lesbian homework and your righteousness will carry you to the next round.

2.You are going shopping for clothes so you:

a) Go to Target because it’s cheap

b) Go to the nearest mall so that you have a greater selection

c) Buy used clothing so as not to perpetuate the capitalist dysfunction

d) Forgo shopping because you already have a ton of shirts you brought back from Guatemala

If you chose (a), you might not have taken sweatshops or the way they treat their employees into consideration. Big mistake…hate to see that happen. If you chose (b), you clearly didn’t take into account the dangers of corporate America which is a very risky move on your part. This question is a mine-field for the politically minded lesbian so we’ll cut you some slack. If you chose (c) or (d), you probably already are a lesbian.

3.You want to grab a cup of coffee so you:

a)Pop into Starbucks for a grande decaf soy latte

b)Mix up a cup of instant Folger’s at home

c)Visit your local roaster for shade grown, organic, free-trade beans and grind the beans at home before making a fresh pot of coffee

d)Go to Super America because you had to fill up the tank on your gas guzzling truck anyway

If you chose (a), you clearly appreciate a good cup of coffee which works in your favor but you missed the chance to go local which is a lesbian requirement. If you chose (b), you cannot be a lesbian. Sorry. If you chose (c), you are playing the game well – lesbians love the environment and a good cause. If you chose (d), are you really sure you want to be a lesbian? You lose points for the coffee choice and gas guzzling but you gain a couple for the truck.

4. You grocery shop at:

a) Costco – you can buy groceries and fleece jackets at discount prices

b) The neighborhood corner store because it’s convenient

c) The co-op because you need to use all those cloth grocery bags anyway

d) Why would I need to grocery shop when I’ve canned all this food from the community garden

If you chose (a), you are not alone. Lesbians love Costco. However, you have once again missed an opportunity to support small, local businesses. If you chose (b), you might be okay as long as the corner store is owned by an independent business person (bonus points if it’s owned by a woman). If you chose (c) or (d), you are rising stars in lesbianism – reducing your carbon footprint, eating organic and shopping locally are basic tenets of lesbianism. I know, I know – you thought it was all about who you liked to have sex with but that, my friend, is naive.

Still think you can be a lesbian? The personal is political so lesbians must always think four hundred times more about each decision they make than straight people do. Lesbianism means always having to say you’re sorry because even the tiniest decision a lesbian makes might cause the world to explode. Don’t worry though, other lesbians will be sure to watch you closely and call out any potential mistakes you are about to make or shame you after you’ve made them. We are here to help you.