“Jersey Shore” on MTV is an educational program in the vein of “National Geographic” on PBS. Instead of following speckled migratory geese from Canada that fly in the V formation to other parts of North America when the season changes, “Jersey Shore” follows a migratory orange-hued subspecies of hominids, mostly from New York, who flash the V sign without irony, who wear enough hair gel to start a forest fire and who settle in a garbage-strewn coastline in New Jersey during the summer months.

A very rugged subspecies, the subjects of Jersey Shore are able to survive incredible doses of low grade alcohol, chemical sprays, and UV-radiation. They are also able to repel infectious diseases that other, less evolved, humans would have already succumbed to. When the rest of the world is wiped out in the next flu pandemic or a mass terrorist attack involving chemical weapons, these hardy specimens shall undoubtedly survive. “Jersey Shore” follows these superior beings and gives us a glimpse of the future of the human race.

After a shaky start, because the public generally shies away from watching educational programming, the show is finally getting a fist pump in the ratings due to its groundbreaking content. Here is what we have learned so far about these intriguing hominids.

Their natural habitat is in the New York City metro area, with a few settling as far away as southern New England. During the summer months, they migrate to a fertile breeding ground called Seaside Heights, NJ, where they engage in complex mating rituals that, until now, had been too fast-paced and fleeting to document. MTV’s team of scientists has finally been able to record and decode these rituals in an effort to broaden the minds of the public, for which we are grateful.

The males are known for the ornate plumage they display to attract females. For example, this specimen, known as Pauly D, expresses his individuality and enhances his sex appeal by wearing an anvil on his head and by tattooing the word “Cadillac” on his side. The tattoo exists so literary-minded females will have something to read while enjoying his company, thereby distracting them from the fact that he is wearing Ed Hardy. It was revealed in episode 2 that Pauly D has a pierced penis, which immediately caused his social status to rise, because the ladies of Seaside Heights have impeccable taste.

As well as having refined tastes, the females are also known for their highly advanced ambulatory prowess. For example, they are able to walk on a rickety boardwalk in 4 inch heels after downing several shots of liquor. If you and a Seaside Heights madame were running away from a huge boulder, like the one in Raiders of the Lost Ark, and both of you were wearing stilettos from Payless and were full of Jagermeister, she would survive, and you would be, like, so screwed.

Cast member J-WOWW (who is really named Jenni, but everyone calls her J-WOWW – look, just roll with it) is the undisputed queen of defensive walking; she always walks with her silicone-filled breasts pushed forward and her head and shoulders pushed back. Knowing that her breasts are replaceable, it makes sense to put them directly in the line of fire, thereby protecting her face in the event of a disaster.

Despite the exaggerrated bravado of the males, the female members of this subspecies are the dominant force. As J-WOWW says in the intro, “After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their [sic] heads off.” And Sammi, self-proclaimed “sweetest bitch you will ever meet” has, within three episodes, caused two of her ‘roid-enhanced male housemates to go home weeping into their pillows.

In episode 3, Snooki (who is really named Nicole, but everyone calls her Snooki, although half the time they can’t pronounce it and call her “Snickers” – look, just roll with it) and an out-of-town friend, Ryder, crawl into a hot tub and begin making out. This prompts The Situation (who is really named Mike, but everyone calls him The Situation – look, just roll with it) to start stuttering. Normally, The Situation is never at a loss for words, but the sight of two girls kissing causes his last remaining synapse to misfire.

As you can see, The Situation cannot handle the situation.

While the rest of the world has slowly become immune to the “lesbian kiss for male attention” schtick, it appears that the male members of this subspecies, despite developing an immunity to external irritants such as toxic chemicals, are defenseless against this tactic of subjugation. Should a group of these fine young men ever decide to overthrow the U.S. government, I support a draft to recruit women to make out in front of the agitators so that they may be neutralized with ease.

“Jersey Shore” is a brave and eye-opening anthropological study of a little-known subspecies of hominids hailing from the mid-Atlantic states. Thank you, MTV, for enlightening all of us and for making me feel even more proud to live in the New York City metro region.