 | Stuff Lesbians Like Part 21: Professing to know everything about someone based on his or her star signBy Grace Chu |
Lesbian: [Walks up to a poor schmuck at the bar] “What is your sign?”
Poor schmuck: “Libra.”
Lesbian: “Wow, your room must be beautifully decorated, but you must have a hard time making decisions.”
Poor schmuck: “No, I’m pretty steadfast in my decisions.”
Lesbian: “No, you only think you make solid decisions. Also, you like to flirt and sometimes you may come across as a bit superficial.”
Poor Schmuck: “Okay, nice to meet you. I’m done here. So… bye?”
Lesbian: “See, I was right! You said ‘bye’ as if it were followed by a question mark, which means you are indecisive!”
Poor Schmuck: [Rolls eyes and walks away]
Lesbian: [Thinking to herself] She probably dumped her last girlfriend, because her last girlfriend gained a few pounds. How shallow and superficial. Typical Libra. I didn’t want to talk to her anyway. She’s the wrong girl for me.
From an early age, lesbians sense that they are a little bit different from other girls. Sometimes, this inherent difference allows a lesbian to view interpersonal relationships from a different vantage point. However, some lesbians have taken this to a whole new level, believing their queerness makes them special and somehow gives them a sixth sense or even supernatural powers to understand people and their relation to the cosmos.
Lesbians will make emphatic conclusions about their observations of people around them based on arbitrary phenomena, like planetary alignment. Advanced lesbians will insert phrases such as “Mercury in retrograde” and “Venus rising” into fanciful sentences whose level of absurdity is only rivaled by the nonsensical outbursts uttered by schizophrenic homeless men wandering around on subway platforms.
However, if you run across an advanced lesbian having an astrological episode, do not say anything that may appear confrontational or accusatory. She believes every word she is saying, and any protest on your part will only solidify her belief that she alone can see the ways of the cosmos.
The way to deal with a lesbian experiencing such an episode is to treat her like anyone suffering from delusions. This page on symptoms of schizophrenia and the management thereof may provide a useful guide.
Example:
Schizophrenic: “I think I am Jesus.”
Unhelpful response: “That’s totally irrational; you’re crazy.”
Helpful Response: “I guess you feel really special and different today. Maybe it’s all the excitement around here. Let’s try a very low key routine for the next few days.”
Let’s apply this method to a lesbian experiencing an astrological fit.
Lesbian: “With Saturn in Virgo, you must learn to close your eyes and let go. Saturn is afflicted, and this could cause you to become irritable and unbalanced.”
Unhelpful responses: “Wow, girl. You need to up your meds.” “You must be on some serious hydroponic cannabis. I haven’t been THAT stoned since Lollapalooza ’95.”
Helpful response: “That’s a very special way of looking at things. I’ll keep that in mind. You know what? Let’s play Guitar Hero. You’re on today, honey. You’re money. I bet you can ace the Slayer song.”
At this point, pray that the intricacies of the Slayer track will distract her from pontificating about the meaning of your existence based on the interplay among the gravitational fields of Jupiter’s moons during the exact time and date you were born.
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April 16th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I love your blog. Seriously. You write fresh, fun and interesting posts. But I have to pipe up here. I actually have a certification in astrology, and in addition to running a lesbian blog, I also run an astrology blog.
First, when people use only a sun sign (that’s what you see in the papers) to determine a personality, they are lumping you into 1/12th of the population. Astrology should not be confused with the general “horoscope” in the papers. Astrology proper actually is a very complex series of calculations.
Astrology is very literal. The skill of the interpreter is what you rely on for accuracy. It makes me sad when astrology is portrayed this way due to lack of understanding. It’s kind of like saying: “All lesbians don’t shave and look like wanna be men.”
It makes me even sadder that your post is right in how astrology is misunderstood, but ridiculed as being inaccurate due to lack of understanding.
April 16th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Chu would not have written such a grouchy blog about astrology if Mercury weren’t in retrograde right now.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Hey, #1 – I’m just making fun of people who walk up to you in bars, professing they know everything about you based on the month in which you were born. (Also, the folks who read “The Lesbian Guide to Astrology” or any of those paperback books and the next day, decide that they’re an expert.) It happens. To make an analogy, I took one class on Abnormal Psych in college, and for an entire semester I ran around diagnosing all my classmates. I decided that everyone had a personality disorder based on what I read in one textbook.
Don’t take anything I say too seriously. For example, I don’t actually believe that people go to grad school to meet other lesbians and get laid. I also don’t believe that all lesbians have a crush on Angelina Jolie. That honor is reserved for Tina Fey, dammit.
April 18th, 2008 at 7:46 am
Hey Grace,
I think you missed the last part of my comment. Sorry for the confusion. Like I said, I read this blog regularly.
I said it makes me sad that your post is right about people using it that way. Maybe that didn’t come across. It wasn’t meant as a slam against you believing that, but more about how frustrating it is that people do go around with those beliefs.
Hey, it was a super cranky day for me. I tend to write pretty forcefully when that happens, so the comment came across a bit harsher or more personal than I intended. Apologies.
PS: Nope. Def Angelina Jolie
April 18th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
I thought it was damn funny thanks for the laugh chu!!!
April 20th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I love this! I’m Libra and I also find it frustrating that a lot of people think there are only 12 types of person. For a start, you know there are 13 signs of the zodiac, don’t you? Yup, Spider sign Arachnid between Scorpio and Sagittarius. But I couldn’t tell you the traits. The whole walking up to you in a bar and twittering on about your star sign is just a thinly veiled chat up line anyway.
December 15th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
LMAO but there’s a lot of truth in Astrology!!
And seriously, it’s laughed at in mainstream society, but people in high places totally still rely on Astrology (and many other things to do with the Occult). Astrology is very prominent with Politicians (do you know many Russian business meetings begin with people stating their Sun Sign), in Freemasonry, as well as with Royals and Aristocrats.
So we Astro-Lezzies know what we’re talking about! It’s an ancient, mystical art–not something ridiculous to be laughed at. But go head and laugh if you wish, and be left in the dark!
k since the moon is void of course, I’m going to go do something relaxing and unimportant now so I don’t regret any rash decisions in the morning
December 15th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Also this site is so win.
http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/
It is a grand source for any gay girl who feels the rhythms of the universe pulsing through her magical veins! Seriously, best horoscopes ever.
October 1st, 2009 at 5:24 pm
oh wow chris, i was just going to post that website. it’s superb