Since the holiday season is drawing near, and some of us have a little bit more time to slack off at work, my friend (the one I refer to quite a bit as my heterosexual male life mate) and I thought we would write a list about what not to do at work. After the eggnog at the party, or the extra shots you have been sneaking out of your bottom desk drawer, you might want to consider NOT doing these things at work. I repeat, do NOT do these things at work. Although, if you do, please consider posting your reactions from doing these things at work, even though I have warned you NOT to do these things at work. I repeat, post if done, but don’t do them, but post if you do them.

*Things one should not do at work*

-Listen to Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan especially when your dating life has been on Hiatus.
-Yell at the computer in different languages.
-Have debates on who can find out more information about someone from your past and then publish the findings.
-Talk about different kinds of sexual positions over your corporate account.
-Make excel files for the different kinds of beer you have tasted.
-Make up new lyrics for old songs and sing along – Like Carmina Burana sing-along….O Fortuna turns into “I need mayonnaise for tuna…I can eat it on WHIIIIIIIITE Bread.”
-Say, “NO WAY” to everything that is said. Walk around with a look of amazement on your face the entire day. Wear a nametag that says, “Hello My Name Is: The Great Awakening.”
-Name all your pencils and pens. Then, refer to them by their last name only.
-Wear a badge and refer to yourself as, “The Law around these parts.”
-Bring a bag with 8 different outfits and change into a new outfit every single hour.
-Label all your files with names of sexual positions.
-Refuse to talk to anyone unless it is over a text message. Claim you are trying to keep a record of all communication for legal purposes.
-Answer everyone back with, “Have your people call my people and set something up” and keep referring to your agent that is on the phone.
-Refer to people by their Myers-Briggs Type.
-Wear a cape all day and put your underwear on the outside of your pants and call yourself Captain Underpants!
-Bring an industrial fan to work, set your camera up on auto and take pictures of yourself doing work like a model at a photo shoot…Constantly repeating, “work with me here people.”
-Bring a megaphone to work and only talk to people through it with the volume on high. Then, when people ask you a question, reply, “What? I couldn’t hear you. Buy a megaphone.”
-Google women you want to ask out.
-Yell out “That’s what she said!” after everything your colleagues say.
-Say “paradigm shift” and “win-win situation” repeatedly in staff meetings.
-Make paper-clip chains to use as bondage props for your desk trolls.
-Say, “Whew!! I wouldn’t go in there for a while!” every time you leave a room.
-Refuse to come out from under your desk without a helmet
-Bring a hairdryer to work and point it at your coworkers as they walk by the desk saying, “clocked ya’ doing 35″
-Talk with a different accent every single week
-Start wearing adult diapers on the outside of your pants, and tell everyone it is because the restrooms are filthy
-Anytime you are criticized at work, respond by saying “I’d like to see you do better after 5 years in a bamboo cage”
-Pat your coworkers on the ass every time they walk by and say, “nice job, tiger”
-Bring in food you made from playdough or you stole from your old tea party set and eat it at lunch.
-Ask your boss over email or in person whether or not you can go to the bathroom.
-Ask them if they need to go to.
-Attach binder clips to your nipples and when someone asks what you are doing say, “I am getting ready for my night job”
-Use quotation fingers all day long for every single statement that you make even if it makes “no sense”
-Ask all your coworkers if they are sleeping with your wife.
-Reply to all of your coworkers statements with, “Oh yeah … that’s the way you like it, isn’t it?”
-Begin using the phrase “do the nasty” as a euphemism for ordinary work tasks.
-Keep a tally in your office of how many people you have helped then change the sign on your office to say, “Underfire’s Office, Over 35 Served.”
-Insist on speaking in pig-Latin during staff meetings, because “the walls have ears.”
-Keep applications for McDonalds employment on your desk, just in case.
-During the first uncomfortable silence at the annual staff retreat, ask aloud, “so who got laid last weekend?”
-Bring in a guitar and sing songs from popular and highly annoying children shows that teach “valuable lessons” like how to walk safely across the street.
-Tell everyone to start calling you Raffi.
-Greet your co-workers every morning with, “Holy shit! What happened to you last night?”

Happy Holidays,

Underfire