 | Stuff Lesbians Like Part 27: Sports Injuries (particularly ACL tears)By Grace Yip |
Lesbians like sports. Due to our competitive nature and the way our bodies are built, we are prone to injuries. When lezzies get hurt on the field, not once will you see them cry, regardless how much blood is spewing from the wound or how awkward of an angle that limb is in. They’ll pick themselves off the ground and walk to the sideline while hiding that limp, chest puffed out, glaring at the opponent with a dagger-like “bitch, you can’t bring me down.”
Even when the injury is serious, lesbians often react a little differently than you’d expect:
Knee Doc: “I’m sorry, your ACL is torn. You’ll need surgery.”
Lezzie: “Hmmmm. Okay. Do I have to wear a brace afterwards?”
Knee Doc: “Yes. Specifically this ridiculous brace that will make you look like Robocop.”
Lezzie: [pumps fist in air like Tiger Woods] “YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!”
You see, such sport injuries are like battle wounds – and that DonJoy RoboKneeBrace is the quintessential lezziesport medal of honor. Besides the recognition from fellow sportydykes of your sacrifice to the sport, your girlfriend will also find you ridiculously cute, laid up on the couch looking like a poor injured puppy. (Note to all: Milk it, but don’t overdo the injured puppy thing.)
Single? Don’t worry. Grab your crutches and have your teammates take you to the bar. Within minutes of walking into the door and settling down, you’ll attract the gazes of girls who will glance over and think “Damn. She is hardcorzzzz.” Girls will want to gently touch your injured area and have you share all of the gory details. Even the old bartender who has seen her fair share of injured lezzies will lumber over at the sight of your brace and crutches with a beer for you on the house.
Sports injuries are disturbingly glamorous to lezzies. Just be cautious of repeating injuries. Arthritis is a bitch.
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April 28th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I tore my ACL playing rugby. So trite.
April 28th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I too bear the scars of a patella tendon graft (I’m an old school lezzie that had it done about 12 years ago). I must admit that there was a tear or two when I went down (it hurt like hell and those around me heard it pop). I despised my donjoy!
April 28th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
It’s all true. When I had my ACL surgery, I had more adorable single girls visting my bedside in the hospital than you’d see on a saturday night at cubbie hole
April 28th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
I broke a finger while running across the street from the bar to my car. Does this get me a lezziesport medal of honor? Or does crying like a baby mean automagic disqualification?
April 28th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
oh man, i forgot to mention the lifelong SCAR(S) from said injuries and surgeries.
@ mouse: i hope you got a date outta it.
@ Sam: crying like a baby will not result in a lezziesport medal of honor. there is no crying in lezziesports! perhaps a kind-hearted lezzie will offer to buy you a soft serve ice cream cone to shoo away those tears… }:)
April 28th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
I’m beginning to think that I should change my moniker from domestic demi-goddess to the anti-lesbian. Never participated in group sports (because “everything was beautiful at the ballet”), my trainer at the gym laughs hysterically when I come marching in grumpily for our appointments and when I hurt, I protest and cry, like a girl. Where do I hand in my card? *shrugs*
April 28th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
My injuries include the following: paper cuts, nicking myself while shaving, and stubbed toes.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
@ lula: it’s okay babe. we still love you.
April 29th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
It’s true. We proudly wear our scars and limps like battle wounds. I think a pressing question is whether ACL tears cause lesbianism, or whether lesbianism causes ACL tears…
April 29th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Guilty. I tore my ACL playing basketball and refused to cry until I was in the safety of a car. Then it was mainly because I was going to miss a WNBA game (seriously, I’m that gay). Six months of physical therapy and a three inch scar on my knee is better pick-up material than a six pack.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
So true so true. I still have said robocop knee brace, you never know when the occasion might arise to need to whip out that metal of honor. But I also have a fantastic scar from a VMO advancement and lateral release that seems to have the ladies liking rubbing the scar.
June 1st, 2008 at 9:17 pm
knock on wood
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I’m 25 and have just received my 3rd set of knee surgery scars. I have had 3 separate girlfriends tend to my every need and have never cried once. Do I get a gold metal in the Lezzie-lypics?
September 9th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
i had to wear a robocop ankle walking cast brace thing for two months once. it was pretty hot. except for the fact that i was stuck in it due to an injury i’d sustained while walking. only slightly better: i have some really freaking sweet knee scars, but i got them in a tragic razor scooter accident. i think i should medal in the Dumb Olympics, not their lezzie counterpart…
September 10th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
guilty as charged! i tore my acl playing baskeball in grade 8. then by grade 10, basically all the cartilege had been worn from the back of my kneecaps because of all the sports i had been participating in and i ended up with an enlarged bursa sack in my right knee joint. i never wanted the doctors to actually drain the fluid off of my knee because draining the fluid would mean that i could no longer show off the “cool knot” that came up on the side of my leg when i bent my knee. and trust me, many a cute freshman girls on the ball team seemed to love touching it. plus, i also got to wear some sweet knee-braces during my basketball games all through high school. haha.
also, when i was in undergrad, i was in a little flag football round-robin pick-up tournament at a local park here in minneapolis where i actually fractured my wrist in the FIRST PLAY of the FIRST GAME!! but in true lesbo fashion i sucked it up, taped up my wrist, and played for the rest of that game AND the next 3 games after that. after all, i’m right-handed, and it was only my left wrist that was fractured. so i was good to go!
goodness i must’ve been the gayest girl i know!! although at that time i didn’t realize it. hahaha. it only took me another six years, a few “drunken” hook-ups with girls, one broken off engagement to a very bewildered man, AND a graduate degree in womens studies to put it all together in my head that “hey, wait a minute, i might just be a little bit gay…” ha!!
November 15th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
I tore both of my ACLs playing 1)basketball, competing with a guy on who could touch the backboard and 2)football
December 28th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Wow, I am ever so gay! I have enough hardware in me to open a store!
I have two screws in my left shoulder that is holding my biceps tendon on to the bone, which I ripped apart grappling with my cousin who is a pro-mma fighter.
With kickboxing I have hurt anything you can name. Never once cried even when I blew out my knee during a fight. I finished the fight, I lost it, but I finished. Dislocated a rib while sparring, didn’t stop me. Broke all my toes, didn’t stop me either. Same with karate, you don’t become a black belt and national champion without a few battle scars.
September 26th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
I broke a femur playing football in grade school
the surgery scars still get sympathy
July 28th, 2010 at 4:47 pm
So, I injured my knee at gym and now I have to wear this knee brace for the next 6 weeks. The weather is over 40C here, so the thing is extremely uncomfortable and it’s really big, attracts a lot of attention. (and my knee still hurts)
This was the last thing on the list, with this ridiculous knee brace my lesbian rite of passage is complete, somebody bring me my medal!! =D
Oh but seriously, it does really catch a lot of attention, random people on the bus, bookshop etc have asked about it, I’m constantly meeting new people