 | Stuff Lesbians Like Part 28: Straight GirlsBy Grace Chu |
Lesbians like straight girls. Lesbians like straight girls, because lesbians think that everyone is a little bit gay and that, with the right amount of coaxing, straight girls can be convinced that they are not so straight. (Even if this were true, lesbians are forgetting a very important principle: even if a majority of women can be convinced to abandon heterosexuality, at least temporarily, this does not mean a particular woman will stray from heterosexuality for you personally.)
I see many of you staring at this proclamation with disbelief. This is because lesbians believe that, like the Little Engine that Could, if they say “I think I can” long enough, they can will that certain straight girl into realizing that she has lesbian tendencies.
After all [pick your poison]:
1) She has been brainwashed by the “dominant discourse on sexuality” her entire life, and this is the only reason she identifies as straight! It is my duty to enlighten her.
2) How can she deal with Chip/Mitch/Tyrone/Jae/Jose? His tongue is so slow that it takes him five syllables to articulate the word “dude,” i.e. “Du-u-u-u-ude!” She’s probably never had an orgasm. If I don’t step in and rectify this wrong, she will be doomed to a life of sexual frustration.
3) She just hasn’t met the right woman. I am that woman.
Here’s a novel concept: Some girls are just straight. Period.
Every lesbian has had at least one hopeless straight girl crush. Maybe it was your lab partner, your sorority sister, your dormmate in boarding school, your classmate in your Catholic high school, your tennis coach, your best friend, your teammate on the lacrosse/rugby/soccer/softball/field hockey team. (Did I miss one?) Every time she spoke to you, you pored over every word, every blink of her eye, every minor hand movement, because any deviation from her normal behavior (which you have memorized to the most insignificant detail) could be a secret signal that she has received your telekinetic messages of devotion.
Crush: Hey, what’s up?
Lesbian:
Thinking: Oh my god. She never says, ‘What’s up?’ She always says ‘Heeeeeyy!’ There must be something going on. Is she flirting with me?
Says: Um, hi?
Crush: What’s wrong? Why are your ears turning red?
Lesbian:
Thinking: Shit! Shit! Shit! She knows I’m blushing.
Says: Oh, I have allergies.
Crush: Oh, no! I hope you feel better. [Gives lesbian a hug.]
Lesbian:
Thinking: *Swoon!* She doesn’t care that I’m blushing. She likes me!
Says: Heh heh. Um. Thanks.
Crush: I know what will make you feel better! My boyfriend and I are going out to drinks tonight. You should come!
Lesbian:
Thinking: …
Says: …
This is not to say that no straight girl can be convinced to take a walk on the other side of the fence. However a general rule of thumb is that affairs with straight girls do not end well. Having an affair with a straight girl ends in one of three ways:
- Everything is going splendidly. You believe that you and she are soulmates. You’re like Ellen and Portia! Rosie and Kelly! Timmy and Lassie! Cheech and Chong! Then one day she announces, “Hey, my boyfriend and I got back together! Isn’t that great?” You say, “Wait! What about me? What about us!” She laughs and says, “Huh? Silly, I’m not gay! But that was fun!” thereby crushing your soul.
- You come to your senses before #1 happens and break it off. This makes her angry and stalkerish. How dare you cut short her experimental stage before it was completed! You bitch! She keeps calling and hanging up. You call her and tell her to seek a therapist. She then has an epiphany and believes that if she says the following, she will somehow win you back: “You were a huge mistake! I’m going back to my boyfriend!” You say, “Good! Problem solved!” In retaliation, she makes a point to make out with her boyfriend in front of you, but she also leaves weird love letters in your email inbox under a fake name. She continues to stalk you on e-mail/IM/Facebook until you threaten to send your entourage, your friends Vinnie and Tony from Jersey, and/or the cops after her.
- She realizes that she is gay, that you’re the one, and she rides away into the sunset with you.
Just kidding. #3 never happens.
Nowadays, many lesbians have abandoned (or never even adopt) stereotypical dress and mannerisms and blend into the rest of the population, so ascertaining who is straight and who is gay is getting more difficult. This phenomenon has led to the following solution: Everyone is fair game! However, even if there is a room full of gay women and one straight girl, and it isn’t obvious who the straight girl is, the straight girl will still get the most attention. So, straight girl readers: if you go to an event attended by a lot of lesbians or if you accompany your lesbian friend to a lesbian bar and you notice that a lot of lesbians are smiling at you, do not be alarmed. If this is happening, it should just reaffirm your heterosexuality.
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May 4th, 2008 at 10:27 am
#3 happened for Bette and Tina! . . . oh wait, thats a television show.
May 4th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Speaking of scenario #1, here is an Asian MV that affirms this scenario …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cncdSkpuCQk
(For those of you wondering what the captioned dialogue is at the end, it’s the straight asking if they can be friends. That’s a whole other post I guess.
)
May 5th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I like to think all straight women could be lesbians but not because I want them or because I think I could turn them. I just want more lesbians, dammit! Conversely, I hate it when we lose a confirmed lesbo to a hetero relapse. Sigh…
May 7th, 2008 at 5:42 am
How freaking true this is!
May 8th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I’ve recently decided to stop dating straight girls. Hopefully this will result in said “straight” girls from 1) stalking me because I popped their lesbian cherry or 2) their very angry boyfriends from wanting to kick my ass because I showed their girl what it’s really supposed to feel like.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Sasha, behaving like a mental ward escapee is perfectly normal for a girl who has just had her lesbian cherry popped. This is why popping cherries should only be done if you own a bulletproof vest.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
i must say that i am one of the few lesbians that looks for the opposite of the straight girl … i can however to the scenario of crushing on a sorority sister … but she ended up being gay and my girlfriend so it doesn’t really apply lol
May 11th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
You guys crack me up! This is so true. Sad, but so true.
May 20th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
i have always avoided relations w/ straight girls only because they’re STRAIGHT. can’t end well right? one has actually infiltrated my system,(though i returned the favor lol) and now i dread any of the above 3 results. GREAT! at least im better prepared. THANKS… why o why did i succumb to this wily temptress??… because she is SO DAMN HOT!
May 24th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
yea. the only girl ive dated was straight. the problem was that she had all those straight fantasies. basically meaning: i was the prince(ess) who was to dote on her every will and she was to be my life (as in i had no other life except her).
it became a real turnoff (even though she was hot). so i dumped her (shes now straight again. go figure).
June 2nd, 2008 at 5:12 am
speaking of straight girls, i’ve recently stumbled upon this blog. it is a diary and she’s spilling out her feelings for a straight girl she’s loved for years. the posts can be quite long. but i have so much connections towards what she writes. i think every lesbian with a straight girl crush should try out her blog. at least it makes me feel better after i’ve read it, so much emotions.
http://concealedportal.wordpress.com/
July 3rd, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I call #3. Rare but not impossible. I’ve pulled it off twice. It does seem to involve increasing amounts of heart-ache and bridge-burning if you don’t wait for their het relationship to end first though, I’ve found…
July 17th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
#3 happened to me…but then I found out that my assumed-previously-straight love of my life had been harboring crushes on her girlfriends since the eighth grade. Now she happily identifies as “bi – but I’ll probably never date a man again.”
July 25th, 2008 at 6:31 am
Scenario 2# happened with my straight girl crush.
Why do they think telling us about what they do with their bfs will make us like them again!? lol … I never understood this, she would try making me jealous thinking that would make me interested in her again.
She was a virgin and thought telling me her and her new bf had sex would get me really fired up, but instead I didn’t show any emotion.. and this pissed her off even more.
September 19th, 2008 at 2:29 am
Interesting article. Well… I came across this column and thought you might find my situation interesting/relevent. I am a straight girl. I have been friends with this lesbian girl for a couple of months and very recently I have been feeling that i like her… I just want to be with her all the time and I miss her when she’s not around.. Last night I felt that I wanted to hold her hands,. It is freaking me out because I don’t know what is going on with me or what it all means… and of course she does not have a clue either because she knows that I am straight. All I know is that I like her and (1) I am not a lesbian, I definitely like guys and I have never liked girls that way. (2) This is definitely not experimenting. (3) I really don’t want to ruin our friendship but at the same time I really can’t help how I feel and I think that I should tell her but I don’t know what to say. I am scared.
September 21st, 2008 at 10:16 pm
hello im gay lol
and i like this one st8 girl,she has a man 2 kids BUT she doesnt stay with her man? doesnt kiss him?
and when she drinks she makes out with girls and lets me suck on her titties lmao!
and idunno sum times she gives me signs like when i text cute stuff to her so always writes thanx and a winky smiley face.
she always plays with her hair when she talks to me and sum other hints..
so ima grow sum balls and ima talk to her alone and tell her im not trying to break her and her man up i jus wanna be the first female to take her out on a date…do anything with…
really
i just wanna eat her up! ;] lol
sooo yeah wish me luck family!
B-E-z
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Benita, that’s a tough one. Although it sounds cliche, honesty is the best policy. It’s not fair to you to hold in the feelings, which if you do, could end up hindering the friendship anyway.
You may not be gay, but is there a possiblity you are discovering you are bi? Just a thought!
September 23rd, 2008 at 7:29 am
gotta admit that this is very true for me, i’m 19 n so far, the only girls that i’ve fallen for are straight…tot da last one was bendable but got my heart screwed..lols….maybe it’s cos i’m living in malaysia n my circle of frens are mostly straight..lols
October 28th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
#3 happened to me, against all Catholic-school-girl odds…
November 2nd, 2008 at 8:51 pm
I’m totally gay and I’ve only fallen for 1 straight girl. It didn’t end well. I tend to fall for bi girls, until I find out they have a boyfriend or they start talking about their past histories with guys. BIG turn OFF.
December 5th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
I never fall for straight girls– but almost every girl who’s proclaimed interest in me has been straight. Most of my straight friends have decided they have crushes on me (while they’re drunk, at least). I think it’s because I’m fairly attractive and never ever try to pursue anything– so they can have their drunk girl-crush without any pressure.
But then a couple of years ago my best (straight girl) friend told me she liked me. I got mad and told her she was being dumb and I wasn’t interested in being her experimental game. We got rocky for a little bit, but over time she somehow managed to show me that she actually was interested and wanted to try a relationship with me…. It took me a while to get over my “she’s a straight girl and option #3 never happens” prejudice, but we’ve been official for a year and a half, and things are great. She doesn’t identify as gay, but realizes that she’ll never see herself as straight again. My take on it? I don’t care how she identifies as long as I’m the one she wants.
December 15th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
ahahahaha.
So much win for this post. And I’m ashamed (amused?) to say I’m exactly like this.
If I can allude to something dear here…
When I realize a straight girl is just straight, and all my charms aren’t going to ever work to make her fall in love with me, I really feel like she’s missing out on a whole universe of freedom and pleasure (snicker) She’s missing out on the Fourth World!
It’s some kind of lesbian-ego-maniacal-arrogance…but, ya know, of course it’s true. Pooor little straight girls
January 10th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
I had a crush on a straight girl. I dated her for a year and a half, and her facebook info changed from “Interested in: Men” to not having anything when we were dating to “Interested in: Women” after we broke up.
#3 happens, but pretty much never.
January 22nd, 2009 at 5:21 pm
So, here’s my story, it’s decent I guess. So, I’ve only been out of the closet for about a year or so but i’m 15. I have a good friend who I think has an interest in girls, and I always tell her but she denies it. Last week we hung out and it turned out she was up for experimenting although she had previously said she wasn’t. We didn’t have sex but very close to it. I know it was a one time thing but I want her to come out and tell everyone she likes girls. It really sucks because she is such an amazing girl and i’ve had a crush on her for a while. :/
March 1st, 2009 at 11:03 pm
im currently with the most gorgeous woman in the world. i will nail my right foot to the ground on that claim:) i am that sure.
she is straight. i’ve heard her use the word ‘bi’ to a few close friends b/c of me, so that’s touching.
i pray every day that it ends as #3.. but the way i see it, doesn’t every couple? gay or straight?
6 months going strong.. with hopes of 6 more:)
April 21st, 2009 at 12:08 am
i play sorority life on myspace. if any of you play, then add me. i also play fashion wars. you can find me at http://www.myspace.com/standout2009.
July 27th, 2009 at 7:57 am
[...] all know that lesbians like straight girls, but ask any lesbian from here to China if she has ever dated a straight girl, and her expression [...]
August 7th, 2009 at 2:50 am
Thanks for the comment Hailey. I would never have read that wonderful blog if it weren’t for you. It also inspired me to write my own. Deals with liking a straight girl, too.
http://xpaperheartx.wordpress.com/
September 11th, 2009 at 1:43 am
Im a straight girl (or at least I thought I was) with the BIGGEST crush on a lesbian that I met a few moths ago. She is so amazing, but I cant do anything about it because she has a girlfriend. I guess Im an exception to #3 because I would soooo ride off into the sunset with her if she wanted
September 25th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Im pretty gay and have been with my girlfriend for about 4 years. We have a house together and the whole shebang. Throughout every relationship I’ve had, I’ve always had a straight girl crush that I hid. Its inevitable and I suppose that I subconsciously let it happen because I know I wouldn’t act on it. And from my past experiences… the straight girl crush subsides. I guess it’s exciting to know that a straight girl could be into you. But if you’re interested in a solid, rest of your life kind of love, don’t even get involved!!
October 1st, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Omgosh.
this article was amazing.
It articulated EXACTLY my thoughts!
good job!
October 6th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
hey!
i LOVE this blog! you have a fun writing style!
so true about straight girls. It’s horrible when they are so hot you can’t keep your eyes off them, but still iam not out and don’t plan to be ’cause people will be mean and make my life horrible. Arghh I hate being secret lesbian.
October 9th, 2009 at 2:30 am
Aaaaaagh I currently have a ridiculous thing for a straight girl. I’m just under no illusions she will actually turn gay for me, so I can safely laugh at this article. In fact, I get irked at people who suggest that she would, because it’s worse to hold out hope than it is to hopelessly crush. But goddamn, do I have a thing for a straight girl.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
you lesbians! leave our straight women alone!
your gutter logic proofs your kind should be hunted down and stoned to death or
burned to death!
October 13th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
since it is 4:20 i wouldn’t mind getting a little stoned.
you should consider investing in a dime bag, mister. i think it will mellow you out.
October 14th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Lol I favourited this page because the shit thats in it is so true.
I just moved to a new college, (I’m 16 and live in the UK)
and there are 2 girls that wudnt mind banging lol
thing is when i think a girls hot i automatically start picking up any sign that might show that shes into me, read into things way too much
but i think straight girls tend to flirt with lesbians without realising it, I mean everyone likes attention, especially attention because you think their hot
so sometimes i wonder if they flirt but arent intrested but like attention you give.
IDK LOL
October 14th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Ugh, I’m a het married woman magnet I guess they see me as their exciting affair; their walk on the wild side, as I’m older, very femme looking, self-confident and love women. You know what? forget it; I know the score, give me a 100% lesbian anytime.
October 25th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
I am #2…ARGH! Well minus the stalking lol…i fell for a straight girl and we got pretty close…..After we had sex she stopped talking to me for a few weeks. She said she figured since I didn’t tell her my feelings about her after it happened (i mean it had only been 2 weeks…i was trying to get my head wrapped around things)…she moved onand found another girl. I hate it! I really really liked her and she dumped me. I still like her and it hurts cause I have to see her at work everyday lol…idk what to do…
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:53 pm
This article is my life. As a (rare) straight woman on my college rugby team, six of my close friends are paired together. I love them, I live with some of them, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
And yes, they love me. I’m sure they wonder how they will convince me to jump on their side of the fence. I’m pretty sure they want to get in my pants… but that’s my fault. What, being a jeep-owner, rugger, sweatshirt wearing, expensive private college co-ed…
December 4th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
I know what you mean. Thanks for your blog
December 28th, 2009 at 7:12 am
you guys, there is always an exception to the rule, that just happened to me last saturday: i have a soccer teammate (not butch, most beautiful girl you will never know..) who’s had a boyfriend for four years now and is seemingly totally straight. all of a sudden (without having sent any hints) she talled that she LOVED me. not that she had a crush on me but that she loved me…. So there must be a good end to the story i guess! (if you should wonder.. i do look a lot like shane, which makes things a lot easier i guess!)
January 4th, 2010 at 2:22 am
Hey,
Yep, I’ve managed to avoid it for a LOT of years (since hopeless schoolgirl crush)…..but was having a drunky night with a work colleague (who is hot) and ended up putting her to bed, thinking she’d passed out. 10 seconds later, her hand’s down my pants, and I’m asking her if she’s ’sure’.. was certainly sure enough to do it all again the next morning! Now she won’t talk to me at work, despite saying it’s all ‘cool’. It’s not cool. They’re trouble. Stay away if you can!
January 13th, 2010 at 7:10 pm
Реально удивили и даже порадовали
Не поверил бы, что даже такое бывает 
January 19th, 2010 at 3:45 am
Well folks, I’ve turned two straight girls officially. The first one was my first too… but I had been thinking about it a couple years before i met her. Our year and half together was rocky, she made us keep it a secret from everyone we knew…even on roadtrips in another state she wouldn’t let me hold her hand in public! after i broke up with her…she came out to her family…but too much had happened so i moved on. the next straight girl i dated i met at work… instant chemistry… a few weeks later she was all mine. it was easy as pie. we dated for 9 months but i ended b/c i felt she had become to dependent and engorged in my life. they were both gorgeous, hilarious, and talented girls. now i’m into another straight girl.. she’s gonna be tougher to turn–but i have no reason to think i won’t be able to. my record is 2 out of 2. go suck on that CHU!
January 26th, 2010 at 12:16 am
I’m bi… i guess, i mean, i just love people, their sex doesnt really matter to me. I have the biggest crush on a straight girl. We dance together and hang out all the time. Two days ago I got up the courage to ask her to kiss me. She did kiss me… but more out of open-mindedness than anything, i think. She said she knows we have a connection but the thought of kissing girls is wierd. Which I totally understand because the first time I kissed a girl I couldn’t stop thinking about how wierd it was. But I guess I’m hoping that now that she has tried it, she will get over the social constructs that are holding her back and try it? Hah that’s what any lesbian in this situation would say. I hate straight girl crushes!
February 8th, 2010 at 6:16 am
Okay I was so positive on getting over my crush after reading this article, but some of these responses… False hope! Stop giving us FALSE HOPE! Someone needs to write the book “She’s just not that into you” Strike that… “She’s just NOT into you” or “She’s not into you”
“Me too”– Your situation… I wish that could happen to me. But again, you are the exception, same with “JQ”
You guys are the exception. WE, or at least I am the rule!
February 9th, 2010 at 1:51 am
Well, there is a flip side to this whole scenario…straight girl who is like..wow, I am actually really attracted to a woman? Me? Yes, me! Hey, great that woman is a lesbian…I should go for it..wait, just because she is a lesbian doesn’t mean she will me attracted to me..yeah, that’s right..she probably has lots of lesbians interested in her..maybe she has a girlfriend..I don’t want to make a fool of myself, and I have no idea how to approach the whole thing anyway. And if I did, what would happen..I am really into her, but I don’t know her that well..maybe this is totally physical..just like with some guys I dated…I wanted them I wanted them, and they were great, but alas, not the guy for me..was I toying with him? no..was I experimenting? no..was I dating?? yes!! This is the only woman I have ever felt attracted to. Will I eventually be attracted to others? Have no idea..all I know is I am really attracted to this woman and want to be with her. It’s not a game, my feelings are intense…but I do not act out of fear of rejection.