Lesbians! Here’s another excuse to have a party.

There’s an exciting holiday on the 14th of February. Yes, we know, we know, I hear you sigh.

But I’m not talking about Valentine’s day. I know very well about the big V-day when you accidentally laughed at the uber-cute cuddly toy your then-girlfriend got you. She got all watery-eyed, burst into tears, and told you you were selfish and ungrateful. You tried to make it better by teasing her affectionately about her pouty face. I can’t believe you actually followed this up by pinching her cheek. Maybe you thought she would smile shyly, wipe away her tears, and start to laugh at her own over-emotional reaction. Boy, were you wrong.

What followed was a series of unfortunate events, including the incident on the drive home when you’d had enough of her ice-cold silence and told her she was high-maintenance. She got out the car, slammed the door, and you had to follow her for half a mile before she stomped back, got in the passenger seat and slumped down with her arms folded.

Yes, Valentine’s Day is a holiday full of bitterness and regret, heartache and drama. So forget about it. She is not going to melt into you arms lovingly, because she’s still angry that you snapped at her yesterday when she took too long to get ready and you had to hurry because you were meeting someone. Do you need to change your shirt again? You demanded. Why is Crispy suddenly so important that you have to leave this very second? Retorted your beloved. Valentines Day is out, my friends. But all is not lost. Guess what other holiday falls on the 14th of February?

Chinese New Year! It turns out that Chinese New Year is the perfect holiday for lesbians:

• On Chinese New Year, married people have to give un-married people Ang Pao’s – gifts of money in red envelopes. This means that you don’t have to get anything for your fussy girlfriend.  All you have to do is throw a Chinese New Year party, invite a few married couples (stating clearly on the invitation the custom of giving Ang Pao’s) and you’ll make a sweet profit.
• Chinese New Year is all about food. We already know that lesbians- with the exception of Grace Downunder- are excellent chefs. Dumplings are delicious and not to difficult to make. Prepare a CNY feast, with succulent duck, tasty chicken, steamed fish and tender beef;  get creative and be the hostess with the mostess.
• Wine and beer are also enjoyed over the festive time, and because it’s Chinese New Year, you are drinking to CELEBRATE! Not because you are all single and lonesome.
• Gambling is a Chinese New Year favourite. Whip out a pack of cards and play some poker. If your short on cash, make the evening more creative and possibly awkward with a rousing round of Never Have I Ever.

Avoid the pressure and stress that Valentine’s Day brings, and instead celebrate the far more fun and raucous Chinese New Year festival. The object of your affection will swoon at your culinary prowess, whoop for joy when you win $50 off Crispy, laugh heartily as you spill beer down your front, and, unlike last years Valentine’s day, you may get some. Just keep that Chinese character tattoo on your arm covered – what you think says “Power, Strength” actually says “Cosmic, Pig”