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Grace Fannie

Stuff Lesbians Like Part 31: Being Overly Competitive At Things That Don’t Matter


If you live in a metropolitan area where recreational sports leagues for adult women are ubiquitous, you know that one thing lesbians like is to be overly competitive at things that don’t matter. Wait, did I just conflate women who play in recreational women’s sports leagues with lesbians? Yes. That’s because straight women are too busy playing recreational co-ed sports with men to waste their free time on sports leagues only for women. But I digress.

There have been many almost-brawls and bruised egos on the softball/basketball/football/[insert sport] field because of someone’s insistence on taking a recreational sport that is supposed to be played for fun entirely too seriously. Basically, when you mix former collegiate athletes equipped with knee braces and eye black trying to re-live their glory days, overzealous women who “never got the chance to play boys’ sports” when they were younger women, and non-athletic women who are just there to meet other women, shit’s bound to happen. And by “shit” I really mean someone’s feelings, body, and/or ego is bound to get hurt.

This trend is also seen at lesbian bars with pool tables. Many lesbians, particularly in the Midwest, pride themselves on being good at billiards. You know the scene: Arriving with quarters in hand and their own lucky cues, Lesbians Who Take Pool Too Seriously For a Random Saturday Night can be found swaggering up to the chalkboard happily declaring that they are next in line. The game starts with a friendly handshake, introductions all around, and an authoritative break shot. The plot thickens when, prior to hitting your red ball in, your shot unintentionally nicks the green ball. You think it’s still your turn. And yet, she begins chalking her cue and preparing for her shot. An awkward and accusatory discussion ensues over whether you are “playing slop.” You man up and declare that no, you don’t “play slop” (whatever that is) and the game continues. A few minutes later she ends the game with a cocky bank shot, an entirely-too-firm handshake, and an order for the next victim to rack ’em up.

Upon arriving at a bar where hyper-competitive lesbians are known to play billiards, pick your game wisely though, as all games still put you in direct competition with a lesbian and is still a coordinated group activity in which the Lesbian Competitive Drive can be channeled towards a common goal: Beating HotChk23’s high score.

What’s the moral of the story? Everything can be a competition. Whether it’s sports, brain games, or who can set up their tent the fastest, lesbians pride themselves on being the best at things that don’t matter. Don’t ever let them fool you.

[Editor’s note: Grace Fannie is the webmistress of Fannie’s Room]

11 Responses to “Stuff Lesbians Like Part 31: Being Overly Competitive At Things That Don’t Matter”

  1. Grace Yip Says:

    Conversation overheard at midwest lezzie bar equipped with pool table, touchscreen poker (poke her), and bad food:

    #1: “i rode my bike 5 miles to work today!”
    #2: “dude, i ride twice as far every day, round trip”
    #1: “but you get to ride on the path, i have to dodge potholes and asshole drivers”
    #2: “i have to dodge yuppie inline skaters.”

    and so on and so forth…

  2. Jane Know Says:

    lol, that reminds me of the conversation i had at a BBQ over the weekend:

    straight boy: i want to start running.
    me (lesbian): i’m training for the chicago marathon.
    straight girl: i ran 5 miles today.
    me: i ran 5.5 miles today, and my training technically hasn’t even started yet. i just wanted to see if i still could.

    wtf? why was i such a tool?

  3. John Says:

    OMG, this is hilarious.

    I don’t how often the Competitive Lesbian stereotype holds true, but one of my best friends growing up fit it to the T.

    I am competitive myself and we would make a competitive game out of anything.

  4. Grace Fannie Says:

    The Lesbian Competitive Drive is actually quite similar to the Hetero Male Competitive Drive. I’m pretty sure that studies have totally proven it.

  5. Jane Know Says:

    lol, i agree with Fannie. Get a group of straight guys and lesbians together, and they get super competitive with each other. Especially in the presence of straight females, who the fellas believe they are competing for against the lesbians (and sometimes for good reason). Ever watch Shot at Love with Tila Tequila? That show definitely proves that theory. Every- dream-come-true-yet-worst-nightmare is happening to the straight men at the same time. They get to watch “hot lezzie action,” yet get angry and frustrated when they realize the ladies really aren’t into men At. All.

  6. Grace Rosen Says:

    I’m so competitive I always have to make the last point in a conversation! But that could just be my stubborn ways. LOL!

  7. Grace Chu Says:

    Don’t forget beer pong and Guitar Hero!

  8. Grace Fannie Says:

    Oooh, good ones!

  9. Emma Says:

    This is my girlfriend all over!

    She’s competative to the point where her whole hand ended up purple and swollen to twice the normal size because she got into a slapping hands competition with a striaght boy!

    They were both in pain but both too stubborn to stop! I stood on the sidelines thinking “idiots”

  10. Stuff Lesbians Like Part 119: Policing others in matters that have no political ramifications whatsoever Says:

    […] political ramifications whatsoever. Yes, we’ve already covered a similar topic a while back: being competitive at things that don’t matter (Stuff Lesbians Like #31), but today we’re going to discuss the intersection of this topic […]

  11. Stuff Lesbians Like Part 32: Entourage Schisms Says:

    […] succumb to a completely fabricated intra-entourage competition, […]

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