If you live in a metropolitan area where recreational sports leagues for adult women are ubiquitous, you know that one thing lesbians like is to be overly competitive at things that don’t matter. Wait, did I just conflate women who play in recreational women’s sports leagues with lesbians? Yes. That’s because straight women are too busy playing recreational co-ed sports with men to waste their free time on sports leagues only for women. But I digress.
There have been many almost-brawls and bruised egos on the softball/basketball/football/[insert sport] field because of someone’s insistence on taking a recreational sport that is supposed to be played for fun entirely too seriously. Basically, when you mix former collegiate athletes equipped with knee braces and eye black trying to re-live their glory days, overzealous women who “never got the chance to play boys’ sports” when they were younger women, and non-athletic women who are just there to meet other women, shit’s bound to happen. And by “shit” I really mean someone’s feelings, body, and/or ego is bound to get hurt.
This trend is also seen at lesbian bars with pool tables. Many lesbians, particularly in the Midwest, pride themselves on being good at billiards. You know the scene: Arriving with quarters in hand and their own lucky cues, Lesbians Who Take Pool Too Seriously For a Random Saturday Night can be found swaggering up to the chalkboard happily declaring that they are next in line. The game starts with a friendly handshake, introductions all around, and an authoritative break shot. The plot thickens when, prior to hitting your red ball in, your shot unintentionally nicks the green ball. You think it’s still your turn. And yet, she begins chalking her cue and preparing for her shot. An awkward and accusatory discussion ensues over whether you are “playing slop.” You man up and declare that no, you don’t “play slop” (whatever that is) and the game continues. A few minutes later she ends the game with a cocky bank shot, an entirely-too-firm handshake, and an order for the next victim to rack ’em up.
Upon arriving at a bar where hyper-competitive lesbians are known to play billiards, pick your game wisely though, as all games still put you in direct competition with a lesbian and is still a coordinated group activity in which the Lesbian Competitive Drive can be channeled towards a common goal: Beating HotChk23’s high score.
What’s the moral of the story? Everything can be a competition. Whether it’s sports, brain games, or who can set up their tent the fastest, lesbians pride themselves on being the best at things that don’t matter. Don’t ever let them fool you.
[Editor’s note: Grace Fannie is the webmistress of Fannie’s Room]