While Grace Chu and Grace Rooney were conquering the Dinah, I was driving to Denver via the endless stretch of nothingness known as Nebraska which had fewer lesbians and a lot less nudity than Palm Springs. I know some very lovely people from Nebraska but it has to be said – there is just nothing to see there. At one point, I found myself praying for a tornado just to break up the monotony of brown, flat land dotted with stinky farm animals. The only nice thing I could come up with during that part of the trip was, “Well, they have more interesting road kill than we do in Minnesota.” Put that on your state signs, Nebraska. We spent the night in Omaha and our hotel provided us with a visitor’s guide which I eagerly cracked open because if there was a “World’s Largest Ball of Twine” nearby, I had to see it. I don’t want to spoil it for you but there wasn’t one.

There was this travel advice, though:

“Items to Pack for a Visit to Omaha”:

• Sense of adventure – you’ll need it when you explore the world’s
  largest indoor rainforest.
• Passport – you won’t need it but you’ll feel like an international
  traveler.

Really? Indoor rainforest? I believe that’s called a greenhouse. As for the passport business, I never once felt that I was anywhere but the Midwest because nobody gawks like a Midwesterner. I’ll spare you the rest of the list because it was too sad. Not funny sad, just sad sad.

Oh, Omaha, you are trying too hard.

After a few fun-filled days in the mountains of Denver, we drove to Kansas City to see my family which unfortunately required that we actually drive through the state of Kansas. Apparently, we are gluttons for flat farmland filled with conservatives. After driving for what seemed like hours, we needed a break and there, in the plains of Kansas, we found a microbrewery. The Lb Brewing Company was like an oasis and we stopped for a sampler while the kids had the house root beer. Best of all, our waitress was a baby dyke. It was no Palm Springs but for that one hour there were three lesbians in one place in the middle of nowhere, proving once again that we are truly everywhere.