 | Stuff Lesbians Like 118: PatiosBy Grace Underpressure |
This is scientific fact, and one day I will earn the Nobel Prize for Badassery for this discovery. Once the weather goes above O C or 32F (depending on where you live—though why y’all start counting at 32 is a little baffling), you can be sure that the best place to catch lesbians is on the patio.
This is directly related to our love of the outdoors, and of camping and winter sports; no matter how you slice it, it’s still going to happen. Lets examine the sort of patio culture that occur at different temperatures:
At the freezing mark, it’s still technically cold enough to snowboard or ski, so you’ve got the lesbians out on the patio at the chalet, apres-ski-bunnying it up. Depending on where you go, they’ll be the ones with their aviators perched on their noses below jauntily arranged caps, a glass of something alcoholic clamped in their fist—or they’ll be the ones on the patio of the house a gang of girlies rented, with a stack of beers shoved into a snowdrift.
The patio remains constant, even if the windchill varies from -30 to -10, Celsius, Fahrenheit or Kelvin.
At ten degrees above freezing, we’re wearing our boardshorts and our sandals, tromping through puddles of almost-freezing water in our attempt to earn some cred. The aviators are present, as always—there’s nothing a lesbian likes more then a perfect pair of aviators, except for maybe bitching about the L Word—and depending on the type of lesbian, the top portion of the outfit might be a cute sweater and cardigan set (for the femmes, pair it with a skirt for that Yes-I’m-Cold-Why-Don’t-You-Warm-Me-Up look), or a sweater from American Eagle wrapped around their shoulders. For the truly hardcore, there’s fleece, at which point, their lesbian cred skyrockets to over 9000 and the rest of us poor schmucks are forced to turn in our L Cards in shame.
We know summer is almost here when the weather gets into the low twenties; in my neck of the (urban) jungle, when we get a week of temperatures over 15 degrees Celsius, we officially call it summer and break out the tank tops. Canadian gals can quibble over semantics, but go to any college or university campus north of the border and you’ll see that a week of mildly tepid weather inspires a rapid shift to summer living, complete with Ultimate Frisbee games, and long hang out/gossip sessions on the nearest patio. Speaking of Ultimate Frisbee, if you ever wondered where all the lesbians on your university campus were? That’s where you find them. It’s a game played almost entirely by straight boys and the friendly fella-girlie.
For the rest of us who are more cheerleaders then goal-scorers, a patio is the perfect way to enjoy the weather; sun on your face and a cold beer; tank tops and wifebeaters all over the place.
To use myself as a personal example, last weekend, I spent an afternoon on my backyard patio, enjoying a breeze that didn’t blow ice-crystals into my face (for once). Living in Canada has occasional downsides. Then, on Wednesday, I lost an afternoon to lesbian gossip and cold beers on the campus bar patio. This weekend, I hosted a garden party, which took up an afternoon and even more alcohol (there’s one thing about living in Canada—our beer’s stronger then the US stuff, though weaker then the stuff you’d get in Europe).
Take a look around, though, the next time you’re outside walking your dog or playing a summer-time sport. Check out the patios and the parks, and you’ll see that for every straight girl reading a harlequin under a tree, there’s two or three gay girls reading the zombie survival manual, and gossiping about The Real L Word.
And if you can’t tell who’s who? Easy. Check the aviators.
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April 9th, 2010 at 11:40 am
“…32F (depending on where you live—though why y’all start counting at 32 is a little baffling)”
The scale “starts” at 32 ℉ because that is the freezing point of water (which is where the Celsius scale has its 0). 0 ℉is the point at which Fahrenheit started his eponymous temperature scale, and it is the point, he found, where a mixture of water and NH4Cl will freeze. Then he found other points from there. And the US still uses the Fahrenheit scale in casual everyday life, whereas Celsius is used science/research/etc. (and other stuff that I probably forgetting).
Er, sorry, tangent. Hopefully lesbians also like random trivia.
April 9th, 2010 at 11:41 am
Whoops. And sometimes I even spell my name correctly, I swear. >_<
April 9th, 2010 at 1:01 pm
Heh, I’ve totally been sold on moving into a house more than once because of some bonus outdoor architecture.
Unfortunately during this past winter, a rip in a screen door leading to our sunroom made it stray/feral pussy pee time all over the place (I’m speaking of actual kitties, not overly drunk lesbians squating on my porch). We have to bleach and power wash the hell out of some concrete to make it more suitable this summer.
April 9th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
“Wifebeaters”??
April 9th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
Um, er, i could be wrong ( my gender is) but i think zero degrees Kelvin is something like minus 273 degrees Celsius? I know lesbians are hot, but, like, wow! Interesting point t. Now I know a good place where where my friends can look to find each other!
April 9th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
Sarah/j: (That’s okay, I misspell mine all the damn time) I like trivia! I especially like clever and scientific trivia, though my brain never did quite get why all three scales start at different times. Mind you, I’m canadian and we like our stuff easy. 0 means its freezing, 40 means we’re cooking, and -40 means you’re in Winnipeg.
Melissa: I LOVE having a pretty view and a backyard. My parents house has a pool and whilst everyone thinks “omg awesome”, me, I like my garden. My student house has soo much awesome dirt to plant stuff in, and I’m stuck in a pool paradise. Always want what ya can’t have, right?
Though ee kitties! I’d'a kept ‘em, I’ll admit it. (Though a band of feral lesbians peeing on things sounds… er….. interesting?)
Shari: I don’t actually know their fashioneer names–semi-ribbed poly-cotton tank tops? I’ve only ever heard then called wife-beaters, or boybeaters in some circles.
Panty Buns: Good god, that is cold. But then again, I bet the beers stay cold. XD
April 10th, 2010 at 2:02 pm
For additional random trivia…if you’re in Winnipeg, it’s -40 no matter what scale you use. -40 F and -40 C are the same. Why? I dunno, something about the math works out that way…
April 10th, 2010 at 4:30 pm
Ahahhahaa, Spigliatezza, really?!
I guess it is like in the cartoons, where if it gets too cold, everything just points to the ‘cold’ arrow.
Never having been to winnipeg in the winter, though, I don’t personally know. Me, I like my southern ontario climate, and my patios. My chives are growing like weeds already, *is a dork*
April 11th, 2010 at 8:38 am
This is so true! I’d even give away my sauna if i got a patio in return. And that’s a lot coming from a finn. But hopefully I’ll have a sauna and a backyard this summer, fingers crossed I get the appartment. Then I shall be the coolest lesbian in town!
April 11th, 2010 at 11:17 am
Kuismis: That is saying something, for anyone. I love the sauna. But hey, good luck on that apartment! You will totally be the coolest lesbian ever–a sauna for the winter and a patio for all the time…
SO cool, in fact, that I hereby declare the next big party to be at your place. >=D
April 12th, 2010 at 3:13 pm
Haha yea let me know if you get lost and some how end up in Finland and I will make sure there’s be a party xD
April 12th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Ahaha I’ll bring Canadian beer and you bring a snowdrift to stick it in? XD Sounds like a plan. Though I do want to travel.. is Finland lovely? Must get cold, though, being so far north.
April 13th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
It’s a deal! haha
And it’s not actually as cold as you’d think, gotta love the Gulf Stream that brings warm air to northern Europe.
Finland’s nice, a lot of space for all those outdoor sports.
April 13th, 2010 at 1:06 pm
It does look beautiful. I want to travel around Europe [Things Lesbians Like: Travelling? there's a segment] and I’d love to start at the very top and work my way down to Morocco. But especially the Nordic countries. Fjords and the like are so pretty.
Also, very defensible in case of zombie outbreak. XD
But so long as it’s not cold. I get enough of that nonsense here in Canadia. XD
April 13th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
IT’S OVER 9000!
*scuttles out to patio*
April 14th, 2010 at 10:36 am
Grace Underpressure: Fjords are beautiful, especially in Norway.
I’d highly recommend to anyone who wants to travel to Finland to come in the summer! The midsummer is the greatest, there’s nothing better than hanging out under the midnight sun listening to a great band with a cold beer in your hand. Damn I want it to be a summer already
May 6th, 2010 at 6:13 pm
“The aviators are present, as always—there’s nothing a lesbian likes more then a perfect pair of aviators, except for maybe bitching about the L Word…”
I like to think I’m one of those ‘superior’ lesbians that none of this stuff applies to… until I get to something like that and realize I am just like everyone else.
May 6th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
@Katherine: But you are fantastic just the way you are!
Sorry, I watched Arthur today and look at what that does to a person. >8D
But it’s true. I’ve found that the best way to figure out if a girl is gay or not is to be like, “Soooo, the L Word!” and if they’re like, “Huh?” then theyre straiiight, and if they’re like “… ye-aaah” then they’re carrying a Narnian passport and if they’re like “OMFGFRIGGINTINABETTE/ECTECTECT” then there’s a lesbian. XD
But thats so obvious–the aviators, though? Also pretty cool. XD
May 7th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
Or you can name drop Rachel Maddow..hahahah ;p
*dons aviators* BD
May 7th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Careful with the Rachel Maddow drop.
Some people try to be sneaky and say they’ve never heard of her. >XD
But I concurr that aviators are awesome.
June 8th, 2010 at 2:06 am
haha I’m so glad yall are writing again!