 | Stuff Lesbians Like Part 36: Spontaneously breaking out into tone-deaf versions of 80s guitar anthems or power balladsBy Grace Chu |
No, don’t look at me incredulously. Hear me out.
Those somewhat familiar with lesbian bar and club culture are aware that lesbian bar and club culture differs significantly from gay guy bar and club culture. The most obvious difference, besides lesbians’ aversion to cruising for dick, is the music selection. Whereas gay guy clubs tend to play the “thumpa thumpa” (either obscure house/trance tracks or remixes of Top 40 pop hits, usually by Peter Rauhofer) to a crowd of guys without shirts, lesbian clubs tend to play the original versions of mainstream hip-hop hits to a crowd of girls sporting popped-collars, tank tops, curious hats, and ironic t-shirts.
However, this post isn’t about lesbians’ penchant for grinding and groping each other whenever the DJ plays a new track by Missy Elliott. This post is about a lesser-known but equally common phenomenon, known as The Uncontrollable Desire to Break Out Into Tone-Deaf Versions of 80′s Guitar Anthems or Power Ballads whenever someone fires up a track in one of those genres on the jukebox. (Meanwhile, gay guys would rather be forced to parade around in broad daylight wearing pleated pants than to be caught singing 80s guitar anthems earnestly in public.)
Here are a few 80s guitar hits that are routinely destroyed subjected to group sing-alongs at lesbian bars:
“Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi
“Sister Christian” by Night Ranger
And the worst culprit of all: “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey, otherwise known as the song unearthed from the dust heap of history by the infuriating final scene in the series finale of The Sopranos. If a group of lesbians had been sitting in the diner when Tony Soprano chose to play that song on the jukebox, Tony Soprano would have covered his ears in pain, turned around and walked out of that diner. Television pundits would not have debated for weeks as to whether he was whacked when the scene cut to black. There would have been no debate. There is no question that Tony Soprano would have lived. Tony Soprano would have been saved. Saved by the lesbians.
Don’t believe me?
Here’s an actual recording of lesbians singing “Don’t Stop Believing” that I recorded at a local lesbian bar in New York City:
(I have more recordings of lesbians screaming 80s anthems and power ballads, but since I had to record in secret for my own bodily protection, I used my cell phone, which led to very poor quality audio. You have been spared.)
If you want to be accepted into lesbian society, it is imperative that you learn all of the words to the aforementioned songs and songs in that genre. Otherwise, one day you will find yourself standing there like an awkward outsider, pretending to lip synch the words when everyone else is belting them out, hoping that no one notices that you smell like failure. Singing bad 80s songs at lesbian bars is a group activity, much like playing softball or lacrosse. You do not want to be a bench warmer. You want to be a team player. So learn those lyrics, bitch!
Furthermore, in order to rise in the hierarchy of your entourage, you must learn to sing very loudly and very much out of tune. The louder and more discordant, the sooner you can deem yourself to be the MVP.
This is not to say that lesbians normally listen to 80s guitar anthems. Spreading such lies only helps perpetuate the tired stereotypes of lesbians wearing flannel shirts and bandannas, sporting 80s hair, and strutting around in shapeless jeans. (Listen, we might sing Axl Rose on occasion, but we certainly don’t go around dressing like him.) In fact, lesbians have diverse music tastes ranging from electroclash to underground hip-hop to folk to indie rock to punk to new wave, and the list goes on, but there is just something about melodic guitar anthems from the 1980s that gets us lesbians singing in a manner that would cause Simon Cowell – and even the unbalanced but ever-so-polite Paula Abdul – to cry tears of acid.
Other acceptable songs that don’t necessary fall into the above genre are as follows: “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell (because every lesbian has had a relationship like the one described in the song) and of course “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper (obvious). (Added bonus: Gay guys are not ashamed of singing along to these two songs.)
What are other songs that should be on the list?
Receive blog posts by email
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:30 am
I think they sound GREAT!!!!
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:48 am
It’s certainly better than what I can do!
(Argh, I wish I could have posted my recording of said lesbians drunkenly singing “Your Love” by The Outfield. But I accidentally deleted it. Poo.)
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:58 am
You got it in one — ‘Livin on a prayer’ is one of my favorites, and I’ve been known to belt out a few verses while doing the dishes…I’m personally a bigger fan of ‘Wanted dead or alive’ and recently remarked to my gf that I want it played at my funeral.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:16 am
It must be a New York thing?
June 3rd, 2008 at 8:22 am
All hail Steve Perry. Damn you with your luscious mullet and silky voice.
Along with Bon Jovi and Journey, REO Speedwagon, The Police and Heart are on my hit list.
Lesbians like BARRACUUUUUDA by Heart.
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:55 am
i must say two things
1. this post is sooooo true and quite hysterical
2. i am quite glad that i don’t know the lyrics to Journey amd therefore am not on the internet for the world to laugh at lol
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:00 am
tuffdawg,
i had to google the lyrics. i am that awkward idiot standing in the corner while everyone else is singing. however, i don’t even go through the motions of lip synching. i just hide. =P
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I am thinking this is a local phenomenon. I have not seen that in Canada so far. But of course, stereotype Canadians are pretty quiet in public space. I have sat through countless awkward silences at film festivals when the directors stood on stage waiting for that first question to come through.
And of course, as an Asian person, the only acceptable place to sing is in the privacy of a karaoke box!
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:49 pm
“[A]s an Asian person, the only acceptable place to sing is in the privacy of a karaoke box!”
An excellent point.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Oooh, ooh, “Sweet Child O’ Mine” is definitely on the list. And, thanks to the movie Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci, so is:
“She’s just a small town girl.
Living in a lonely wor-rld.
She took a midnight train going an-y where.”
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Bah. Ignore my incomprehensible sentence in the above post. I was basically just trying to say that foxy Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci could be largely to blame for Journey’s popularity among lesbians.
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:32 pm
@ Fannie: Gah! How did I miss that?! *Bangs head on keyboard*
Clip here:
June 3rd, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Maybe…the 80′s guitar rock and power ballad might be more of a generational thing?
Be right back. I feel the need to drive down the street in my IROC-Z.
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Yip, my entourage is comprised of Gen Y-ers (except me). I am the old and decrepit one, i.e. the only one who has an excuse to know any of the words to these songs. I honestly do not know what’s up with kids these days. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go soak my dentures.
June 7th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Holy shit. This just about confirms my belief that you get the inspiration for this blog by spying on my friends. I thought the drunken “Don’t Stop Believing” sing along was unique to Boston area dykes. Little did I know about this widespread phenomena… I’m shocked.
June 7th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Okay, after watching that clip from Monster, I have to say one thing. When I said “the foxy Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci” I really meant “the foxy real-life versions of Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci when they are not in the movie Monster.”
June 13th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Spotted.
Standing in front of the women’s restroom at Cubby Hole Thursday night, June 12th. A tall and striking femme brunette belting out the words to “Livin’ on a Prayer” while pumping her fist in the air. As singing 80s songs out of tune is the lesbian mating call, she should not be on the market for long.
xoxo,
Gossip Dyke
July 1st, 2008 at 8:43 pm
based on personal experience with my “entourage” (i.e. rugby team) i would have to add bonnie tyler’s total eclipse of the heart to the list…
July 19th, 2008 at 2:04 am
yeah! total eclipse of the heart!
July 30th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
… I was actually singing along to “Don’t Stop Believing” when I clicked on this entry. *hangs head*
August 8th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Barracuda, eh? Shouldn’t it be “Never?” Of course, there’s the sort of irony of Barracuda being an fu to some agent or whatever who was pimping ann and nanc out as lesbo lovers (irony because lesbo thing, sort of because sister thing). ick. just, ick. what’s up with straight men and sisters?!!! ickickickickick.
I’d go with Bonnie Tyler, or her voice-type predecessor, Kim Carnes– Bette Davis Eyes can be heard on occasion. nothin’ like a gravely-voiced, I smoked one too many marlboros song that makes no sense.
April 2nd, 2010 at 9:16 pm
[...] P.S. To the lesbians screeching Def Leppard in the Hilton courtyard, stereotypes exist for a reason: you. [...]