What happens when a new Lesbian film comes out? We gay girls flock to the cinema – I mean, to Netflix.com, since they never usually make it to big screen – no matter how shitty the trailer is, and regardless of whether or not the film in question was described as “a crummy mess of plot holes and bad narrative” on rottentomatoes.com. Yep, as long as it promises the slightest hint of girl-on-girl lovin’, you can bet we’ll be chowing down microwave pop-corn and sippin’ on microbrew with our significant other/ pet cat whilst it whirrs in our DVD players. Due to our general policy of Lesbian Theme = Watch, we have collectively lost many thousands of hours which we will never, ever get back. Here is my mash-up of all those hours spent watching the not-so good sapphic themed tales of love, lust and betrayal, because in my mind, they have morphed into one really bad, straight-to-DVD nightmare.

Bad Lesbian Movie Mash-up:

Main Characters:

Rebellious, feisty, female.

Beautiful, slightly snooty female.

The Screenplay:

RFF: Oh Hai. I break the rules. I got the street-smarts.I might be Asian, or Jewish, or I might be Piper Perabo.

BSSF: Hmmn, I find you intriguing. I am an intelligent woman who waxes philosophic whilst playing the cello or bringing my father tea or writing lonely hearts ads or doing extreme gymnastics or something. Your unabashed confidence and/or passion is attractive to me. I am confused and aroused.

RFF: Great! Let’s take off these clothes and do the nasty.

BSSF: Wait! I have to do some long and boring gymnastic exercises/ garden preening/ soul-searching/ extra-curricular activities.

RFF: Well, Ok then.

-first person narrative about life, meaning, confusion – plenty of obvious symbolism, a sprinkling of doomy foreshadowing- I missed most of this part because I went to the bathroom; turned the kettle on and watched it boil; filled out my tax forms; finally got round to doing the laundry -

RFF: Oh Hai again. Can we have sex now?

BSSF: Ok, as long as it is painfully slow and shot from angles which will show our facial expressions and indistinguishable expanses of bare skin. Also, make sure it’s slow pan. Slow pan. OK? Oh, unless this is that one movie where I’m not actually a lesbian

- then we have to fumble around and switch to the next scene, which will no doubt be full of witty one-liners and general RomCom capers.

RFF: Ok.

-Long and boring love making scene. Grace Maxwell falls asleep, wakes up abruptly as ice cool beer gradually slips from fingers and spills over crotch-

RFF: Wow, we’re still making sweet, sweet slow love.

BSSF: We sure are. I am discovering my self-worth. I feel beautiful and free. I am no longer shackled by the chains of propriety.

RFF: Awesome. I guess it’s time to climax like no-one has climaxed before, fade out and finally move this plot forward.

- The initial love shared between our two heroines is quickly becoming passive aggressive/ obsessive/ detrimental; once a safe haven, it’s intensity is too much to bear/ it was just meant to be fun and games/ my boyfriend’s back in town. Everyone’s neurotic and annoyed. Especially me, apart from the neurotic part. And I’m almost out of beer. Why can’t these women just have hot sex for ten minutes then get back to surfing the interwebs like everyone else?

RFF: I love you more than anyone could ever love any living thing. Or inanimate object, for that matter. Unless this is that Stein movie, in which case, I’m still annoyed and becoming increasingly sexually frustrated.

BSSF: Wow, um…well, this is awkward. I love you, but- predictably- I have to keep it in the closet and/or I have a boyfriend now.

-the movie spirals into a crummy mess of psychotic displays and destructive behaviour and/or some really intense scenes at the gymnasium. Grace Maxwell missed that part because she went to hang up the laundry she put in earlier, watched it as it dried, then proceeded to iron each and every item of clothing. Ok, back to the crap-fest that is Our Lesbian Film-

BSSF:…And that is why we can never be together.

RFF: sobs softly for a while, walks off.

- It has become apparent that we were lured in with the promise of a lesbian romance, but have been set up for some gut-wrenching emotional rape and/or a hugely unsatisfying finale. Hey, director! Thanks a bunch, you bitch

CLIMACTIC END: Lesbian kills self/ Both Lesbians killed/ Lesbians hate each other/ Lesbians go separate ways.