 | Stuff Lesbians Like Part 119: Policing others in matters that have no political ramifications whatsoeverBy Grace Chu |
As we discussed earlier, lesbians have a tendency to be overly sensitive due to an increased sense of political awareness (Stuff Lesbians Like #38). Therefore, lesbians often have an uncontrollable urge to “enlighten” others in the arena of politics and activism with the zeal of Elliot Stabler in Law and Order: SVU. The political is personal and vice versa, and everyone must be made aware of it.
But this post isn’t about that. This post is about lesbians’ tendency to police others in matters that have absolutely no political ramifications whatsoever. Yes, we’ve already covered a similar topic a while back: being competitive at things that don’t matter (Stuff Lesbians Like #31), but today we’re going to discuss the intersection of this topic (SLL #31) and the topic mentioned in the previous paragraph (SLL #38), partly because lesbians like the word “intersection.” (Nothing gets a lesbian more excited than discussing things like the intersection of race and sexuality. When I think of the word “intersection,” I think of the place where two streets cross, but that’s because I’m unenlightened.)
So — while lesbians become overly sensitive due to an increased sense of political awareness and we also become overly competitive in things that don’t matter, sometimes, lesbians become overly sensitive over things that don’t matter, and then all hell breaks loose.
Lesbians have pet topics that they always return to if they have nothing else to talk about. If all other conversation topics run out of steam, lesbians can always swathe ourselves in one or more of the following topics like a security blanket.
1) labels (even though 99% of the population, queers included, isn’t up on the latest genderqueer label of the week, it’s our duty to shake our fists and scream at each other until we are all “enlightened” – hint: the loudest and most persistent one wins)
2) The AfterEllen Hot 100 (because a list of pretty women is something to get bitter and strident over)
3) Ilene Chaiken (because although The L Word was 75% watchable, we concentrate on the 25% that wasn’t)
4) other lesbians (this goes without saying)
5) “the scene sucks and there’s nothing to do” (Hint: Click on this link, yatches. The list is longer than Strom Thurmond’s filibuster in 1957.)
6) the lack of “real” lesbians on TV (as if anyone honestly wants to see less than TV-attractive people on TV)
7) anything (as long as they can correct someone’s spelling and/or grammar or point to a citation)
Take, for example, the comment thread on this post on AfterEllen about The Real L Word, a show that will undoubtedly affect millions and push the human race forward. I hear the airing of the pilot episode will rival the televised inauguration of Barack Obama in historical significance, so arguing about this show is, you know, really fucking important! After a few lighthearted comments, the conversation turns to (1) bash Ilene Chaiken and (2) debate the merits of having attractive mainstream-looking women on television.
But that thread is a kiddie bike with training wheels. Let’s move on to this thread about AfterEllen’s Hot 100 list. You will even learn a new phrase: “fun sponge.” Enjoy!
As you can see, lesbians like debating anything and everything, no matter how trivial the subject matter. Not only do lesbians like competitive sports, lesbians like to spar verbally. Lesbians will split hairs, distinguish the indistinguishable, and fabricate conflicting viewpoints that don’t exist for the sake of debating. When there are no hot button issues to argue about, we will create our own. See, aren’t lesbians entrepreneurial?
(1) Thanks to Dara Nai for suggesting a few of the debate topics. (2) Yes, the analogies are supposed to piss you off. (3) This entire post is an open invitation to engage in a pointless debate; see, we’re so meta.
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May 26th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
Yep, I am guilty of this…but wait, let me add what I witnessed (and wisely kept my participation minimal) in a recent discussion of the merits of Boobquake amongst a number of my straight compadres on Facebook.
Passionate straight female photographer writes as status: I don’t understand why people feel the need to justify their desire to flaunt their bodies as part of some pseudo political statement. If you want to show your boobs, then just show your boobs, stop acting like you’re doing something worthwhile.
Random straight friend of Passionate photographer: Boobquake, YAY!
PSFPhotographer: I’m shaking my head at you.
For real female mennonite convert/hippie who still uses computers: I teach my small army of home-birthed, homeschooled children that boobs are for nursing (until the child is the age of 3, no less), and nothing more.
Male hipster english major/cook in a hospital cafeteria: I cannot believe we Americans are so selfish and arrogant to mock another cultures’ view on moderate attire. I mean, Iran is the number one nuclear threat, so do we really need to piss them off more by making fun of their desire to show less flesh?
Mennonite hippie: People in the United States would do well to know that there’s lots of cultures who resent us for not dressing more moderately. Perhaps the whole world would like us better if we weren’t so obsessed with our bodies and sex.
So yeah. Restrained myself from an all-caps response of YOU ARE ALL TAKING THIS SHIT WAY TOO FUCKING SERIOUSLY, I did.
May 26th, 2010 at 5:08 pm
I kinda stopped reading AE because of stuff like that and the constant biphobic commentors on it. It got kinda old and tiresome to read. I will read the articles sometimes, but reading the comments and anything else there is not very enjoyable to me.
Since I do not have as many bi/lesbian friends in real life as I would like, I did read it quite a bit for a while, and it is amazing how accurate your “Stuff Lesbians Like” list is.
May 27th, 2010 at 7:32 am
This was funny
I gotta bookmark this site.
May 27th, 2010 at 8:44 am
I love the Bi’s. I even married one.
This is a PSA from Grace Underfire.
May 27th, 2010 at 10:04 am
I have a friend who won’t date lesbians – only women who are bi. She swears they are less pedantic.
If a pharmaceutical company ever makes a Lesbian Lighten Up pill, I will buy it in bulk and infuse it into the coffee supply…or slip it to all the microbreweries.
May 27th, 2010 at 10:32 am
The lesbian universe is ruled by the pedantocracy. You learn this on day #1, right as you get your toaster oven and soapbox after stepping out of that closet door.
May 27th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
hey sarah, don’t let the shrill, persnickety, imperious bitches who do nothing but complain from the comfortable anonymity of the internet drive you away from afterellen (or anywhere.)
please continue to read the articles, blogs, interviews and recaps. and when you get to the end, just stop there. reading shitty comments will only make you cynical about lesbians. who needs that?
May 27th, 2010 at 2:06 pm
read dara’s recaps. they are teh funneh.
May 27th, 2010 at 8:34 pm
I read that last comment from AfterEllen.com and could not understand, for the life of me, what she was so pissy about. Thank you for addressing and explaining it.
May 28th, 2010 at 11:39 am
Eep, I did not mean to sound confrontational or judgmental. I just meant that some of the article and blog comments were not so fun to read sometimes for the reasons I listed. I certainly do not think cynically of lesbians; I was not trying to imply anything like that, and I am really sorry if it sounded like that. I do like the articles and blogs on stuff that I follow (or stuff that I do not follow and learn about from reading there). That is sound advice, simply do not read the comments or other stuff, aside from the articles and blogs.
As for intersections, I think of intersection examples from mathematics ( like A ∩ B ), so I do not know if that makes me enlightened or unenlightened.
May 28th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
sarah, no probs. i think dara was just trying to make your afterellen experience much more enjoyable.
May 28th, 2010 at 12:53 pm
My favorite is when “we” all jump on other *rainbow label here* because they’re *making us look bad-ism* like being a member of THE (only) club (that matters) means you have to be well behaved (unless you’re showing us your nipples AND only if those are nipples most of us want to see, otherwise… you’re still embarrassing us)
… most days I’m so apathetic I can’t change the channel or fight the tune and all the hipster queers keep running circles around me and make me dizzy.
*sigh*
May 30th, 2010 at 7:12 pm
sarah: what? I’ve never seen anything ‘biphobic’ on afterellen. they have a rule about bi-bashing and anyway it’s a site for LESBIANS..
June 3rd, 2010 at 9:42 am
Well AE bills itself as being about “lesbian and bisexual women in entertainment”, Sunset, so I would have thought otherwise…
I’ve seen anti-bi and anti-trans comments on AE (there were some pretty nasty things said about Heather Cassils and Chaz Bono), but the site content is awesome, and the article authors certainly don’t hold those views. So I don’t mind hanging out there, even if I (as a bi woman) have to occasionally read comments telling about how we will all leave women for men / are Katy Perry clones etc.
This article describes me so well I’m cringing as I laugh, Grace Chu
June 3rd, 2010 at 5:47 pm
Marie: their writers are all lesbians, and while they write on other stuff sometimes that doesn’t change their target audience (just like this site). As I said, I’ve never seen these alleged anti-bi and anti-trans comments, so I think sometimes people are just being overly sensitive and too touchy.
June 8th, 2010 at 6:05 am
Hey Sunset, I am talking about (for a recent example) comments like http://bit.ly/9QMnqd Marie is right in that their writers do not hold such views (yay!), but I guess their moderators do not consider such comments bad or against the rules. As a bi woman, also, it still kinda hurts to read such comments from fellow LGBT folks.
June 11th, 2010 at 6:33 am
um okay this is a lil irrelevant and by “lil” i mean extremely. but i was just reading through these 119 hilarious posts and i saw number 51 chapstick.
why does liking david sedaris make you a lesbian?
LOL just wondering.