Pride. Gay Pride. Big ol’ Lesbo Pride. How do I question thee, let me count the ways.

1. Board shorts and fauxhawks. Every year around this time, I see the lesbian community “frat guys” in their newest and finest board shorts with a rainbow of different tanks. You know what I am talking about – and Long Beach, San Diego, and Los Angeles are fine examples of the baby-dyke/dyketastic phenomenon known as babydykes, boardshorts, and fauxhawks, oh my! Really? Does it really need to be this way? Couldn’t lesbian social cliques make a few calls the night before and switch it up? Throw a polo or button-down in there for good measure? Just remember one suggestion for a California pride: have some pride in being different!

2. Midwest Pride. Oh gods. Okay, where do I start with this one? I really don’t know. I feel like all the Midwest pride promoters and organizers should put together a survival guide for these events. My survival guide would include:

a) Run away from the drama.
b) There are only a few bars in town, so if you have multiple ex’s from all walks of life, STAY
HOME!
c) When in doubt, refer back to “a” and “b.”

Navigating a lesbian-heavy Midwest pride involves knowing when to duck and cover, maneuver your way through pool tables and dykes with sticks, and managing your beer fund for the night. If you come with a group, keep them wrangled and out of the way. Dyke drama happens very quickly. Don’t be a victim, be a
survivor.

3. Midwest Pride: Part 2. The Umbrella. I don’t know what the hell the deal is with the weather, but the storms always seem to come right during pride. I was in St. Louis for Pride and I had to duck and cover because of rain, and this isn’t the little tiny baby drops that Californians refer to as “STORM WATCH 20__” These are elephantine drops. These are raindrops that give birth to other raindrops that get married in the sky and produce a Dugger family reunion of damn raindrops. There’s nothing more attractive than being wet, surrounded by 100% humidity that doesn’t even let up when it isn’t raining, and walking around drinking. (This post also should include “bring extra deodorant”) The only thing I can tell you is to bring an umbrella made by Camelback or some other outdoor company that is considered the Fort Knox of umbrellas.

4. Rotating Lesbian Hook-ups. If you rent a hotel room with a group of lesbians that are looking to hook-up, buyer beware. Pride is the spring break/extended Dinah Shore party. There will be sexual encounters and they might happen in your room. Bring a tent, a sleeping bag, a comfy car, or kick your friend to the curb or the other woman’s room if you want sleep or a place to hide. If not, rent your own room and keep the key in your own damn wallet.

5. Drink responsibly. I know I talk a lot about beer, but beer in the hands of idiots can only lead to idiocy. Don’t be the douchebag that doesn’t remember to bring sunscreen (CA Pride must), drinks all day long (I don’t know how you do it with the prices of alcohol), and then pukes in the corner of a beer or band tent. You are dead weight and I hate dead weight. Also, if you plan to drink, don’t drive. Don’t be an idiot. Bad press + pride = excuse for people to talk negatively. Don’t let it happen. Control yourself, control your friends, and do the world a favor. BE RESPONSIBLE. This has been a public service announcement brought to you by Underfire Brewing Co.

To recap: Have fun. Make a no-clone zone. Stay away from the drama. Drink responsibly. And bring an umbrella. My work here is done.