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Grace Chu

The Real L Word Dictionary, Part 1

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We learned so many things about real lesbians last night on The Real L Word. We learned that in order to love women in a non-douchebaggy way, you have to be a douchebag. Also, New York City lesbians have “working hands” and are not polished. And what is “The Power of the Clam” and “pants and pumps”? So complicated! So much to learn! We try to simplify things for you.

“douchebaggy”: Not the way Whitney loves women. In order to love women in a non-douchbaggy way, you have to be a douchebag. This concept might be a little too advanced for now, but we are certain we will understand the nuances as the season progresses.

“Fashion Week”: The most sacred time of the year in Los Angeles. Sort of like the High Holy Days in Judaism, Ramadan in Islam, and FIFA World Cup Soccer for every country in the world except the United States.

“futch”: A femme butch. Originally entered pop culture lexicon in A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila to describe firefighter Dani Campbell. Anything butcher than futch is not to be shown on television, or allowed within Los Angeles city limits.

“LAX”: Similar to Blockbuster Video, except instead of DVDs and Wii games, you get girls. When you are done with one, you drop it off at the gate and then you can pick up a new one at another gate. 

“Los Angeles”: A real city with polished lesbians.

“New York City”: A second rate town populated with unpolished lesbians with “working hands.”

“pumps”: Femmes. There are lots of these in Los Angeles, and they are polished.

“pants”: (1) Butches. They know how to hold hammers, a highly specialized skill. (2) A common article of clothing that half the cast lost during the course of the pilot episode.

“polished”: Adjective describing the type of lesbians who live in Los Angeles, i.e. they are better than you. Note: These types of lesbians do not actually polish things, because that means you have “working hands.”

“Power of the Clam”: Sexual prowess. Ability to charm ladies into disrobing. Such power is directly proportional to the amount of tequila shots you give your conquest. If you discover that your sexual partner has “The Power of the Clam” it means that there are other women in the picture, and you should probably get tested for an STD.

“rage”: A proper response when modeling agencies you haven’t heard of attempt to blaspheme Fashion Week by offering up average-looking models.

“situation”: Euphemism for lesbian drama. What happens to you when you cross paths with Whitney. Involves lots of furrowed brows and processing in public. 

“The Valley”: A place where large breasts are not to be locked away. May possibly be referring to the San Fernando Valley, although large breasts plumped with silicone have been spotted in that locale. But remember “life is too short,” so dissecting this contradiction is unnecessary and a poor use of our time.

“This little piggy went to Gucci”: A logical followup immediately after declaring that your lifestyle is “normal.” (Although the next piggy, in an effort to “keep it real” “went to H&M,” this little piggy cried “Wee! Wee! Wee!” while watching this at home.)

“tranny”: Someone who is likely to “choke you out.”

“working hands”: Hands that are unpolished. Low class. Indicative of New York City lesbians. Whitney does not work with her hands; she uses a strap-on.

[This post was republished on Jezebel.]

11 Responses to “The Real L Word Dictionary, Part 1”

  1. Marga Gomez Says:

    Thank you for breaking it down. Hilarious!! Word that will never be in this dictionary – “Charm” because these “pumps” and “pants” possess none.

  2. Grace Chu Says:

    Thanks for the props, Marga! :)

  3. LG Says:

    “brilliance”: this blog post.

  4. Sandi G Says:

    Read too quickly at first thought you said “Power of the Claw” and I was trying to figure out the Toy Story reference, JK. Thanks for the info, now really glad I skipped it and thanks for taking the pain for the rest of us :)

  5. NJ Says:

    oh thanks for the description of these LA lingo/slangs since english is not my first language, I had a complete different concept of “pump”…very different…mental image :|
    I’m going to look forward for this column each week…Thanks Grace!!

  6. Grace Fox Says:

    The piggy thing – blech.

    Sandi G – love that line from Toy Story. “We worship… THE CLAW!”

  7. Melissa Says:

    Ha, was already considering switching over to Direct TV instead of standard cable here and this might do it for me, if for anything, it’ll satisfy my girlfriend’s love of shitty reality television and give me something to laugh at…wait, that’s already shitty reality television…

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    [...] The Real L Word seems intent in sparking some sort of lame East Coast / West Coast rivalry, real real lesbians would rather not re-enact a lesbian version of the Death Row / Bad Boy beef of [...]

  9. screwnicorns Says:

    because you cant wear pumps with pants. everybody knows that

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  11. Luvapoodle Says:

    Brilliant!! The LA girls should come to NY and do a show together!!

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