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  • How to be The World’s Worst Girlfriend
Grace Maxwell

How to be The World’s Worst Girlfriend

By

Inspired by Ilene Chaiken’s The L Word and The “Real” L Word

So, you have a girlfriend. Awesome. Want to lose her? Follow these handy tips inspired by the characters of Ilene Chaiken and you’ll soon find yourself delightfully single again…

1) Trapped in the Closet

You and you’re girlfriend are out and about together. When she tries to hold your hand, pull away and look immortally embarrassed. Ensure you are blushing and sweating profusely. Tell her time and time again you can’t. You don’t want to be judged all the time. You’re deep, deep in the closet. As seen between Lara and Dana, The L Word – Season 1 ep.7. (Remember that? When the show was actually watchable?)

Why She will Leave

If you don’t dump her (like Dana did) over time the closet issue will continue to grow into dark storm clouds that will create thunder and lightening in your relationship. She’ll be all, “Why can’t I meet your family?” and you’ll be all, “I can’t deal with this right now!”

2) Party Girl

You like to party. Hard. In fact, you will be downing wine spritzers and putting glitter on your eyelashes as your faithful girlfriend gets into her jimmy-jams, brushes her teeth, and scrubs her face with a foaming cleansing pad. And you don’t just party on the weekends, hell no – you are sure to be spotted at the local gay bars on any day of the week. You hug random aquaintences innapropriately, drink shooters ’til you barf, and come home to your sleeping beauty at 3am. Oh, and it’s also totally OK to bring a drunken rabble of friends back to your shared home whenever you feel like it and scream “LOOOOSER!!” at your long-suffering girlfriend as she makes her way to bed. As seen in Rose, The Real L Word, Ep.2 (AKA How do I get the last hour of my life back?)

Why She will Leave

Everyone likes to party once in a while, but leaving a girl with a pile of DVD’s to watch alone each night with yet another take-out meal from Zen Garden is hardly building the foundations of a loving, worthwhile relationship. She will eventually tire of dating someone who behaves like an obnoxious frat-boy.

3) The Narcissist

To pull this off, you need to posses the strong conviction that you are the greatest, hottest lesbian ever. Now, remind your girlfriend of this as often as possible, and be sure to ruin potential tender moments by informing her that she is “lucky to have you” without even a hint of humour in your stern, cold expression. As seen in Rose- AGAIN… is her girlfriend still around? And also in power-lesbian Bette. -The Real L Word, Ep.2: The L Word.

Why She will Leave

Your arrogance and giant swollen head may be tolerated by your girlfriend for a while – she may even buy that crap! But in time, she will realise that your are not, infact, totally awesome, but inconsiderate, self-absorbed and selfish for the most part.

4) The Clam Digger

To make a clam digger cocktail, take a dash of lust, add a healthy dose of egotism and mix with a keen need for attention. Despite being really “into” someone, become quickly distracted when fresh meats or old flames saunter past. Smirk irritatingly when caught flirting with one girl and “seeing” another. You should very well grin because anyone who sees you will not draw the conclusion that you are an obnoxious douche, but will bow in wonder at your “power of the clam”. Whitney, The Real L Word Ep 1, 2,3…

Why She Will Leave

Because this clam doesn’t want to catch crabs.

5) The Cheater

There is a lot of scope with this one. You can have one-off hotel sex with a hot carpenter, an ongoing affair with your best friend, an emotional affair with your ex-girlfriend, a quickie with your friends lover, or frequent bouts of bad judgement with anyone who’s willing. Bette, Dana & Alice, Bette & Tina, Shane & Nicky, Shane & everyone, The L Word.

Why She Will Leave

Because she was also having an affair with some sumptuous brunette. BAM.

BONUS ENTRY 6) The Schlong

Step 1: Posses an imaginary phallus. Step 2 : bring it into conversation as often as possible, for no reason at all. Step 3 : Swagger as if it rivals the size and weight of a baseball bat. Mikey, The Real L Word.

Why She Will Leave

Because you’re invisible weiner is kind of a turn-off.

You may have noticed that the post started off with a complex dilemma, and quickly moved on to partying, cheating and schlongs. I’m just following Ilene.

Any other suggestions, dear readers?

13 Responses to “How to be The World’s Worst Girlfriend”

  1. Tina-cious.com Says:

    OMG… I want to punch Rose in the face so fucking bad I can’t even tell you.

    What that gorgeous sweet girl is doing with her is anybody’s guess.

    “Don’t disrespect me”… hmph… fucking douchebag.

    Bitches like that wouldn’t survive a SECOND on the east coast. That shit’s for sure.

  2. Tina-cious.com Says:

    p.s. they photoshopped the shit out of Rose’s baggy ass eyes in that pick.

    Bitch needs some fucking sleep instead of going to the club pretending she’s the hottest bitch in there.

    Oh lawd I’s got me some contempt! LOLOLOL

  3. Tina-cious.com Says:

    Ugh, I can spell… it’s “pic” not “pick”…

    Ok, I gotta get off your page before I burn this shit down… lol

  4. Grace Chu Says:

    “Why She Will Leave

    Because this clam doesn’t want to catch crabs.”
    ^
    this.

  5. Grace Rooney Says:

    If being gay were a choice, lesbians everywhere would become straight either sometime during season six of The L Word, or during any of the Showtime Promos of The Real L word. Perhaps Ilene has has finally worked out all of her issues,

  6. Sarah Says:

    I LOVE ROSE. That’s one hot bitch.

  7. Melissa Says:

    I admit that I should probably be shamed, but I really never caught up on the original L Word. I’ve seen like the first 2 episodes, and that’s it.
    I do watch the shit out of the Real L Word because we upgraded our cable and get Showtime free for 3 mos.

    So yeah, I can pretty much agree with your assessment of those women on that one. Rose does keep getting worse, Mikey is getting more tolerable, Whitney is someone I would probably hang out with and have to help clean up her messes. None of these are women I would date…because that’s not how I roll, bitches.

  8. Kitty Says:

    I actually have all kinds of love for Mikey, her imaginary peen and her Jennifer-Saunders-alike face.

    But I do want to give Rose a good hard slap.

  9. Sasha Says:

    I hate to admit to this publicly, but I am the last person on earth that doesn’t have cable (or TV for that matter) HOWEVER that did not stop me from blogging about the “Real” L word before it even aired and keeping up to date on how on point my predictions for it’s douchiness turned out to be. …….. THIS POST was perhaps the BEST YET!!! LMFAO …. now I really want to see it! Just to laugh at how horrible it is.

  10. LB_Boi Says:

    I LOVE THIS!!! I can’t stand the “real L word”. It’s about as real as the tans on the Jersey Shore cast. *barf*

  11. Panty Buns Says:

    i haven’t watched The L Word but am enamored of lipstick lesbians and fag hags. It’s too bad if the scripts were all written by guys who wanted to get in on it. Maybe after losing a girlfriend with BONUS ENTRY 6) The Schlong they will write a strap-on into the script to be used on one of the males. i must say that i think Jessica Biels (Bette) has been looking hot lately. i saw a photo of Jessica in a sheer red dress and full black briefs in StyleList.

  12. loppy Says:

    hey hey hey dnt be dissing bette lyke dat…lol she is one irresisi\tible bitch though

  13. Tawny Says:

    Thank you for calling out Mikey. I think Whitney also had an imagined phallus. It was so annoying to have hear references to “balls” over and over again thru out the Real L word. Its a LESBIAN show for god’s sake, there are no “balls”! It just made them look like idiots while grossing the rest of us out.

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