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Grace Maxwell

Pretend to be nice for dates 1 through 15. Reveal true self after.

By

It’s a widely acknowledged truth that, in order to woo a partner, people pretend to be nice. Lesbians are no exception. For the first few months of a relationship, we won’t snap, grumble, yell or make snide comments. We won’t leave our laundry lying around when she comes to visit, we won’t tell her that our star signs don’t mean shit so she can stop reading them aloud already, and we certainly won’t kick her in bed for stealing all the covers and taking most of the pillow and lying at a really annoying, awkward angle. Even if she lies diagonally and in the shape of an upside down cartwheel, we would gladly mould ourselves into retarded “S” shapes in order to sleep beside her without disrupting her peaceful snooze…

The first few months of a relationship are like a lesbian utopia, where we are understanding yet passionate, generous yet savvy, smart yet unpretentious. We take her out, we pay for her drinks, we cook for her, we bring her breakfast in bed, we gladly do whatever it takes to please her in the sack, we select a movie *she* wants to watch, we make an extra special effort to look smokin’ hot, we discuss issues she cares about, and when she starts to *really* fall for us… BAM!

Meet the belching, messy, lazy, selfish version of the lady you fell in love with, and prepare to become the nagging, pushy and complaining self you never knew you were. Here’s a comparative look at the same situations at these two different stages of a relationship…

Key = FFM (First Few Months), YDTL (Year/s Down The Line)

*Romantic Dinner At A Fancy Restaurant*

FFM: You spent the evening getting ready to meet your new beau and now you’re sitting opposite her smiling, chatting, and working your charm…
Ordering: “You’re going for the Salmon? You have great taste. The cream sauce they serve with it sounds delicious, too. Do you want to order some wine to go with it?”

Later…

“Let me get the bill, it’s my pleasure…”

YDTL : You had a chaotic day at work, as your disheveled appearance suggests, and at this stage you’d probably rather change into your jammies and eat cheetos infront of the TV. However, it is a significant day, one whole year since you first locked eyes over some hors d’oeuvres and revealed your feelings to one another. So, you dutifully make your way to the restaurant…

Ordering:

“Salmon? Again? Would it kill you to choose something else once in a while? It comes with a cream sauce, for chissakes; it’s for people who are allergic to flavor. What? No, we don’t need to order wine; I have that box in the house, we can just get tipsy later. You think I’m made of money?”

Later…

“I don’t suppose you brought any cash…no, no, of course you didn’t. It’s fine. I hope you know you’re paying for the groceries on Sundays big shop though.”

*Drinks With Friends*

FFM: You’re bringing your sweet new girlfriend to meet Crispy and the rest of your entourage at the local watering hole – she is stunning, they will be so impressed, and they’ll be blown away by her charm!

At the Bar:

“So this is the entourage! Can I get you something to drink, sweetie? Ha ha, you’re so funny, honey. Hey, Crispy, isn’t she hilarious? Quite the looker too, amiright? Are you tired yet baby? Just let me know when you wanna leave…”

YDTL: You’re off to meet the entourage with your girlfriend in tow. You’re hoping she doesn’t interrupt your stories and ruin the punchlines as per usual, and will seriously have to have a long and boring discussion with her if she accuses you of flirting with Shorty again.

At the Bar:
“And that’s when I stopped, turned round and said…”
“Yeah, yeah…what she said… What do you mean you wanna go home soon? We just bought a pitcher…”
*In a hushed voice* “oh, thats real nice, I must be wanting to stay because I have a secret thing for Shorty…that doesn’t make you sound crazy and jealous *at all*…”

*A Night In*

FFM: You’ve invited your new beau to come over. You’ve prepared your trademark spicy lasagna, are freshly showered and dressed to impress, have carefully selected and laid out an array of DVD’s spanning many genres (including documentary = “I care about stuff”, foreign language = “I’m cultured like that” and – of course – LGBT = “I LOVE TEH GAYS AND I AM ONE”) for her to choose from, and have clean, crisp sheets on the bed and air freshener wafting through your room…

When She Arrives:

“Wow, you look great! Come on in, I fixed you some dinner…oh, it was nothing! Just a little dish I invented…here, have a glass of wine…do you like Korean Cinema?”

You don’t end up seeing any of the movie, because you were too busy getting busy as it played in the background, and were still too busy getting busy to notice the 30 second long DVD Menu music that had been looping for over 3 hours.

YDTL: You are vegging out in your jammies waiting for your trusty companion to hurry up and come home with that takeaway already. You deviously hid all your “foreign language” films that she loves so much because you’re too lazy for subtitles tonight. In fact, you’ve tucked away all your films apart from three you wouldn’t mind watching that evening. The faint scent of musty clothes is wafting through the air. Your shared room is messy and your bed sheets are none-too-fresh, but hopefully she can take care of that later.

When She Arrives:

“Hooray! My Chow Mein is here. Did you remember the crispy fried wontons too? Did they give you the complementary crackers? What do you want to watch tonight… I can’t find the CD folder so we only have these…”
You argue over movies for a good 15minutes, then she goes in a huff because you ate the last crispy fried wonton without offering it to her. You both feel like a cup of tea after dinner, and proceed to come up with exhaustive lists as to why the other should make it including, but not limited to:

“I made it this morning!”
“Sure, you picked up the takeaway, but last week *I*picked up the food *and* made the tea”
“I had a tougher day at work.”
“My legs are sore.”
“I always put the kettle on.”

You head to bed and embark on a silent blanket tug-of-war that continues until you fall asleep with exhaustion.

You may be thinking, “Grace Maxwell, you are a cynic and probably not a very good girlfriend…” be that as it may, I’ll bet those of you who’ve ever been in a Long Term relationship agree with me at least a little, and those of you who haven’t… it ain’t all bad, there are benefits such as rousing games of scrabble, knowing looks, in-jokes and of course, companionship…

Feel free to add your own FMM/YDTL situations in the comments!

7 Responses to “Pretend to be nice for dates 1 through 15. Reveal true self after.”

  1. Grace Brightman Says:

    Maxwell, you crack me up!
    As I have never had a girlfriend, I have not experienced this first hand, but you do make relationships very inviting… ;)
    This reminds me of that videao that seem to be circulting right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icNtxdunH34&feature=player_embedded – this is also hilarious.

  2. Deb on the Rocks Says:

    FFM: Incoming phone calls cause your cubicle mates to grow silent so they can hear the sexy banter and cryptic yet juicy details from last night relived via unlimited minutes.

    YDTL: Incoming phone calls cause your cubicle mates to insert their headphones so they can avoid hearing yet another discussion about who forgot to take the Lab to the groomer and whose ex from five years ago did or did not flirt overtly by posting the boa constrictor photo from Fantasy Fest ’06 on Facebook.

  3. Grace Fox Says:

    Oh…so true…so very true…

  4. Sandi G Says:

    Hey, did you put cameras in my house? Went through several of these scenarios with the ex. Funny how the stuff you think is quirky and attracts you to someone is the stuff that drives you nuts down the road.

  5. Wendy Blues Says:

    hey :-) Absolutely loved this post!

    thanks for the laugh..!

  6. kuismis Says:

    Haha, have I dated you Maxwell?! This one’s soo true :’D

  7. Robert Says:

    Question……I have been having a friendly relationship with this woman and I would like to go further, but I’m thinking that she is gay. The easiest thing would be to ask her, but sometimes the easiest solution is not that simple. Right now, I sense that I’m not too emotionally involved and if I found out for certain that she was gay, then I would have to accept that and sort of move on. As to what makes me think that she is gay…..she has a lot of gay men friends, she has mentioned in the past that she is okay with just having men friends, but once they made a sexual move, then she did not want any more of them and just recently she wore a red bandana around her neck one night that we went out. Thanks.

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