A subset of the Stuff Lesbians Like category called “Being Overly Competitive At Things That Don’t Matter” is the tendency to leap into wrestling matches in public areas suddenly and for no reason at all. Whereas other iterations of Being Overly Competitive At Things That Don’t Matter, such as games of flag football or sessions of Trivial Pursuit, tend to involve some planning and/or organizing, lesbian wrestling matches often flare up without warning signs.
Professional wrestling matches involve quite a bit of ceremonial pre-game festivities. One guy wearing silly tights struts down the aisle into the ring while his entrance music blares in the background. People boo. Then another guy in even sillier tights does the same thing. People cheer. Both beat their chests and call each other’s mothers names. Then there is a countdown before the two participants go at each other. In the pro wrestling world, there is a buildup before the throw down.
However, one cannot predict when a lesbian wrestling match will commence. Where there was calm just seconds earlier, two lesbians will suddenly erupt into a frenzy, fall to the ground with gritted teeth and limbs intertwined, and attempt to make each other eat dirt or asphalt.
Where do these spontaneous matches flare up, you ask?
At the beach? Check. At the park? Check. On a crowded sidewalk next to a busy street? Check. In the middle of a (hopefully not so busy) street? Check.
At an otherwise stuffy fundraiser that does not include lesbian amateur wrestling as part of its official program?
Check. Oh, check, check, checkity check.
I direct your attention to the following exhibits, collectively labeled “A Severe Lesbian Beating At A Fundraiser.” (Photo credits, Grace Rosen)
(Ooooh, that’s gotta hurt.)
As you can see, it does not matter if you are wearing a t-shirt/jeans combo or if you are wearing Thomas Pink and Prada. Lesbians will throw down anywhere, anytime, wearing anything. The only rule is: no helmets and no pads.
If you are lucky enough to witness a spontaneous lesbian wrestling match, do not behave as if you are seeing something out of the ordinary. Do not cheer, leer or become excited. Do not form a circle around the pair and hoot and holler. Doing so will only out you as an outsider. You must channel your inner New England WASP and appreciate the spectacle as dispassionately as one would appreciate a casual badminton match. Notice that no one has approached the two tussling lesbians shown in the above photos. People were, in fact, milling around the room, making small talk and occasionally checking to see who was winning. (I was present at this affair and was in the process of pouring myself a lovely glass of wine.)
Now, a lesbian wrestling match between friends is quite different from a real lesbian brawl, you know, when you see two girls fighting over a girl outside of The Stonewall Inn and you hear things like “You best not be disrespecting me! You did NOT just look at my woman. Oh, I did NOT just see that!” And then suddenly one party is holding a handful of hair liberated from the other party. Real lesbian brawls are a different animal altogether. This entry concerns the former – spontaneous throw downs between friends. Those not familiar with lesbian culture may not be able to distinguish the two.
If you are unclear as to whether you are witnessing a friendly lesbian wrestling match or a true altercation, unless you are certain that someone will get killed, do not call the cops. Because if you are wrong, the cops will show up only to see two giggling and sweaty lesbians with some minor sports injuries sharing a beer, and you will look foolish. It is best to defer to the judgment of experts in this situation.
Note: Pushup, situp and arm wrestling contests are closely related to this phenomenon. It’s a lesbian thing. You wouldn’t understand.