Ever been five beers into a happy hour with your friends, spot a girl across the bar, and suddenly wonder… “Hey isn’t that my ex’s ex-girlfriend?” Well, my fellow beer goggle dykes, never fear. Yup. There’s an App for that.
Actually, there isn’t. But wouldn’t it be nice if there were one?
Having become quite the iPhone junkie over the course of the past year (Damn you Angry Birds!), I’ve come to notice the sheer lack of lesbian-centric apps. Sure, there are tons of apps geared towards our rainbows lovin’ male counterparts. Hell, they can even hunt down their next flavor of the week through Manhunt +GPS right from the convenience of their phones. But is there an app that give us dykes tips and tricks on the art of “processing”? Nope.
So, my dear GSTers, in my effort to jump back into the wide world of bloggin’, I proudly present to you…
The Top 5 Lesbian iPhone Apps
1. The “Ex” tra Connection
Got an Ex? Who doesn’t? Got an Ex that’s now a friend who is dating you other Ex? Yup. Most likely, if you’re gay, you’ve got a few of those too.
Part Facebook and part interactive scrapbook, this app would easily manage and organize the ever complex and more often than not, incestuous web of lesbian exes. With one quick snap of the camera, you would be able to not only identify but also trace the dating lineage of any girl you happen to attempt to pick up.
2. Dyke-a-like Buster
Girls who sleep together, tend to dress together… and most often than not in the same exact clothes. It a tragic phenomenon that needs to be stopped.
And The Dyke-a-Like Buster would be just the app to do so. All you would have to do is take a photo of your outfit and then sync it to your best half’s account. It would quickly check to see what they are wearing for the day and bingo… No more wearing matching North Face Fleeces!
3. Would Cargo Shorts Work?
Ever been roaming the endless array of polos in American Eagle and suddenly wonder… That rugby polo is great but will it match my favorite cargo shorts?
Never fear. With the Would Cargo Shorts Work, you simply would be able to pull up a life-size avatar of yourself on your phone and play a quick game of virtual dress up. Match an American Eagle hat with a Hollister polo and Bingo! You have the perfectly planned dyke wardrobe all ready to go.
4. The Processing Processor
“What’s that baby? You want us to talk for the 20th time about how my ex, who I have talked to in 3 years, randomly wished me a happy birthday on my Facebook wall 2 months ago?… Sure, let me just grab a six pack because I know this is going to be a 4 hour conversation.”
Who doesn’t love a good, old fashioned “let’s process” talk? Right? Right?? Processing is truly an art form, and unfortunately, for most lesbians, making it painless and productive does not come naturally. The Processing Processor would be the perfect pocket companion for those processing sessions that just seem to be going nowhere and fast.
5. The U-hauler
Having recently gone through the whole U-haul experience myself, I would have given my right arm for an app centered around the infamous Lesbian move-in process. The U-Hauler would provide you with not only tip and tricks to navigating the delicate decisions of “do we keep both of our box sets of the L Words or give one away?” but it would also have an extensive checklist so that no piece of baggage is missed.
Is Fluffy’s litter box packed? Check. Is there room for my 3 acoustic guitars in the bedroom? Check. Is the closet big enough to hold my endless array of polos and her mountain of shoes? Check.
I could go on all night with these but unfortunately need to hang up my blogging hat for the night and get some sleep. Too bad there aren’t 8 days in a week …*Sigh*… If only there was an App for that.