Ok. So everyone has their guilty pleasure, right? While the rest of you are reducing your brain cells by indulging in Snooki, The Situation, Bethanny Frankel, or Lindsay Lohan’s Trainwreck Life, I’m surfing craigslist. No no, I don’t get my rocks off with random chicks on craigslist – that’s not where I’m going with this. But… I DO read the ads.
Oh yes. Oh… yes.
Call me cuckoo, but I truly enjoy reading the missed connections section. It is just too humorous for words. Remember the time when you would meet someone on the line at the grocery store, think they were cute, open your mouth to say something flirtatious and witty, yet your vocal chords fail you and you stumble away awkwardly, cursing your nerves for getting the best of you? I do. But I ALSO remember the time when you would just chalk it up to a missed opportunity and vow to improve your confidence so you can actually strike up a conversation with a random cutie in the future.
But, alas, we are in the era of craigslist.
And the missed connections page is full of missed opportunities that will most likely never reinvent themselves as “new opportunities.” But for the desperate hopefuls that seek out the person of their romantic/sexual desires on the internet, it is the holy grail of “do-overs.” And for bitches like me who love reveling in other people’s desperation/loneliness… it is the premier source of “I’m-SOOOOO-Bored” Entertainment.
Snooki getting bitch-slapped, making out with five Guidos in one hour, and drunkenly face-planting on the pavement while mumbling nonsensical babble? Nah, I’ll pass. Desperate lesbian writing a poem on the internet about the barista at the corner coffee shop on craigslist rather than just saying “hello” in person? YES, PLEASE! More, more, MORE!!!
So I decided to do a little comparison between the Women for Women missed connections sections of New York City and Los Angeles. Clearly, we are rival cities, and have some seriously poppin’ lesbian scenes when compared to many other places in the nation. Being a Native New-Yorker who has never been to LA, I keep HEARING about the differences between women in NYC and LA. But I have yet to witness it first-hand. I was hoping that the missed connections page could illustrate some of these differences, and bring them to life for a bored little baby dyke like myself.
And… oh yes… it did.
I’ve always been proud to be from New York. Yes, I’m one of those elitist New Yorkers who believes she is above all the transplants from The West Coast, New England and The Midwest, and secretly wishes that someone would bomb Times Square to scare all the tourists away and keep them out of my city. But after reading the New York Missed Connections page, I am mortified to call myself a NYC Lesbian.
Ladies, Ladies, LADIES!!! C’mon now. We New Yorkers are supposedly the smartest, savviest women on the block. Not so much when it comes to craigslist. Now, I know New York is the city of starving artists, musicians, and poets. But the craigslist missed connections page is not the sharpest place to market your talents. Posts like this: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/2180673605.html and this: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/2180136419.html are syrupy fluff that don’t seem to apply to anyone specific. If I was the object of either of these posters’ affections, it would go right over my head. Beautifully written, yes. Conducive to luring that dream woman into your arms? No. Not. At. All.
While these posts successfully say what they mean and mean what they say (http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/2182072709.html, http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/2181551137.html), they could be directed at anyone. The first one is to a random doctor, referred to as “Dr. Blank,” yet the poster offers no clues to indicate who she is. So let’s say Dr. Blank DOES read this ad, how would she know that she is the mysterious doctor in question? And umm… as for the second one, this is how every lesbian feels about at least 3 or 4 different women at any given time. No chance of success here.
Finally, this one really cracked me up: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/2178478844.html. PLEASE read this one, folks. It is posted by a woman searching for someone to style her hair. Amazing.
Now, I can’t pretend that EVERY missed connection post in the New York Women for Women section is as looney as those previously mentioned. There are a few that are cute and touching, such as: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/2183220469.html. But, let’s be real. Posts like these are the minority, and therefore insignificant to me, because I am unable to make fun of their non-existent lunacy.
Now… let’s move on to The City of Angels (aka Los Angeles). Surprisingly enough, when compared to NYC, the Los Angeles women for women craigslist missed connections section is fairly vacant. But in the very few posts that do exist, I find a vulnerability and sincerity not strikingly present in the New York City posts. Posts such as this: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/mis/2184359733.html or this: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/mis/2186247788.html make you hope that these ladies triumphantly get their girls. These posts are coherent, succinct, and offer enough information that if the intended person DOES scroll these ads, she will (most likely) conclude that they’re about her. Good job, LA!
Now of course, LA has its cuckoos too. Let’s take a look, shall we? These posters (http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lgb/mis/2178210806.html, http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/mis/2180686620.html) are clearly not well-versed in the art of “letting go.” Obviously, these aren’t truly missed connections. They’re more like “The One Who Got Away” or “The One Who Isn’t Interested” connections. Instead of professing their love or affection on craigslist, these ladies may have a better shot by doing it in person. Unless, of course, their desired women have restraining orders against them. Or, on a less serious offense, their texts/phone calls are being ignored. Nonetheless, if I was ignoring someone’s calls, and then saw that they wrote this flowery, heart-pouring post about me on craigslist, I’d probably be a little concerned. Just sayin’.
And of course, I’d feel that I hadn’t done my job if I didn’t end this article with a link to a post like this one: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/mis/2179474914.html. Oh, ladies.
So, all in all, the main difference between lesbian craigslist missed connection posters in New York and Los Angeles are this: New Yorkers are more mentally nuts, and Los Angeles folks are more emotionally nuts. At the end of the day, we’re all nuts, and the missed connection posters are nuttier, so if you think you know the author of one of these posts, stay away. Stay far, far away.
That’s it from me… See ya next week!
DISCLAIMER: I do not believe that the Craigslist Missed Connection pages significantly illustrate the overall disposition of any given city’s lesbian population. This article is purely for entertainment purposes… and simply something to laugh at. All right? All right. Cheers!