So you’re single. You’re dating. You’re trying to find the one but you are in the process of looking and have to wade through a sea of Miss Wrongs or Miss Right Nows until you find your princess. Or maybe you’re just an incorrigible player. This is not a problem in the straight world, because the pool is the size of an ocean. If it doesn’t work out with one person, you will never see that person again.
In the lesbian world, though, you have to be more discreet. The community is the size of a puddle, everyone talks, and women are intuitive and observant. One too many foul ups, and you could end up being “that girl.” You do not want to be that girl. Stealth dating is a skill that one must learn to survive the wilds of the lesbians dating jungle.
Do not take the people you are dating on dates to lesbian places
Unlike straight venues, there are a limited amount of lesbian bars or parties on any given night. Consistently taking your dates to lesbian places is like playing Russian roulette. As you continue taking the women you are casually dating to the paltry number of lesbian venues in your town, the probability that another person you are dating will end up in the same venue approaches one.
When that fateful day occurs, and it will, there will be what The Real L Word’s Whitney calls a “situation.” Placing two women you are dating at the same time in a room is like putting two Siamese fighting fish in a jar; things will not go well. Depending on how much alcohol has been consumed, “situations” can range from uncomfortable tension punctuated with dirty looks to drink throwing, crying, and hair pulling. You want to avoid situations. Situations severely diminish the chances that you will get laid. Like Siamese fighting fish, women are beautiful creatures, but please – make sure they are always in separate jars. Take your dates to straight bars after dinner instead.
Lay off the Facebooking
If you are dating multiple people, do not “friend” the people you are dating on Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare or any other form of social media. If lesbians could choose three things to do at the exclusion of everything else, they are (1) going to the Converse store, (2) playing beer pong and (3) Facebook stalking. Facebook’s news feed algorithm is intended to be as childish as possible; the only people who consistently appear on your top friends list and your news feed are exes, people you secretly can’t stand, and people you are dating. I suspect this algorithm was written by a disgruntled lesbian.
If you add people you are casually dating to your friends list, all of your status messages and wall posts will scroll across the screen of everyone you are dating when they log on as well. This can lead to what I call “Drama 2.0.” While the chance of bodily harm is nil, you may receive infuriated phone calls or texts from members of your harem. You will also not get laid that day. Plus, all of your 300+ friends will also know what’s going on. Don’t think your friends are watching all of this from the sidelines? Believe me. They are. They have nothing better to do. And they are laughing at you, not with you.
If you are already friends with whomever you are dating, only post about neutral things like pandas, bicycles and knitting. Take the flirting to a non-public medium like IM, and set your privacy settings to limit what certain people can see on your wall. Also, disable the “Friends can check me in to Places” feature just in case one of the people you’re dating thinks it’s cute to check you in on a date.
Facebook stalk in stealth mode
Even if you are not Facebook friends with people you are dating, you can see the RSVP list for various events that are going on. To minimize the chances of a “situation” at an event, double check the RSVP list for possible land mines before you invite someone to that event.
Some basic Facebook due diligence can prevent a blatant faux pas like dating two people from the same social circle at the same time.
Hos in every area code
Again, let’s take a cue from Whitney of The Real L Word. In Episode 1, she drops Sara off at LAX, and, unbeknownst to Sara, drives to another gate and picks up another girl. Dating women in different cities is one way to minimize the chances of getting into a situation. Unless it’s filmed for a reality show – or they’re all friends with you on Facebook, in which case it doesn’t matter if one is in Jupiter, Florida and the other lives on Jupiter the planet; you will be caught, and hilarity will not ensue. Facebook has singlehandedly eliminated the job market for private detectives. Again, lay off the Facebooking, or you’re just asking for a situation.
Do not date people who go out all the time
Eventually, you will want to go to a lesbian event, because being around straight people all the time can be a drag. Also, some lesbian events are actually pretty fun, and you don’t want to miss out on them, simply because you are playing the field. You can minimize the chances of a “situation” by dating people who don’t go out that often – or at all. Here is a guide on who to date and who not to date.
Heteroflexible straight girl
Upsides: There will be absolutely no chance of a “situation”
Downsides: If you fall for her, you’re screwed.
Situation danger meter from 0-10: 0
Girl who never or rarely goes out in the scene
Upsides: Situation chances minimal. Also, because she doesn’t go out in the scene that much, she is probably normal.
Downsides: Very few.
Situation danger meter from 0-10: 1
Club promoter / DJ
Upsides: You will know exactly where this person will be on certain days. She will be at her party. She is not going anywhere.
Downsides: She will expect you to be at her party. You’re not going anywhere but her party on that day. Someone else you are dating may show up. This could lead to a situation, and you could possibly be banned from the party in the future.
Situation danger meter from 0-10: 8
Member of club promoter’s posse
Upsides: It is fairly certain that she will be at her buddy’s party that day. Simply choose that day to go to another party.
Downsides: She will wonder why you never show up to her buddy’s party and become suspicious.
Situation danger meter from 0-10: 6
Upsides: She can only be one place at a time.
Downsides: She’s all over the scene, and you never know where she’ll end up, and there are only 3 or 4 places she can be. Eventually, you will run into her.
Situation danger meter from 0-10: 9
Nightlife and events writer and/or photographer
Upsides: None whatsoever
Downsides: She is out all the time doing rounds at every party in existence, often two in one night. She will also be at benefits, theater premieres, and readings. You will not be able to avoid her. Also, it is her job to know everyone, and consequently everyone knows her, has her contact info, and can (and will) text her anything fishy in a hot second. Unless your other women are straight married women, you’re basically toast. If you run across a nightlife and events journalist while out, just start running. It doesn’t matter how charming or hot she is. Run.
Situation danger meter from 0-10: 12 (and if she also has a blog – 13)
Now that I have ensured that I will never get a date in this town again, follow this foolproof guide to avoid situations while you are fishing around in the pond.