Stuff Lesbians Like Part 123: Identifying other lesbians by who they are dating or sleeping with within 30 seconds of introducing or meeting themBy Grace Chu
You are at a bar, a house party, or a women’s networking event. You introduce one of your friends, Shorty, to another friend, Jersey. After exchanging names, what is the most appropriate followup comment? Is it naming their professions? Their hometowns? The type of cocktails they are drinking? No, those insignificant details can come later. The most important element of a lesbian’s identity is the last known person she was sleeping with or dating.
Therefore, after your friends have learned each other’s names, you must immediately follow up with, “Shorty is sleeping with Babydyke,” and point to Babydyke, who is sipping a Bud Light in the corner. Despite what you learned in kindergarten, it is perfectly acceptable to point and stare in this situation. Then, to ensure that Jersey isn’t left out, without skipping a beat you must say, “Jersey was hooking up with my roommate last month.”
See? Wasn’t that easy? Now the ice has been broken by letting everyone know whose faces have been in whose crotches, now you can move onto other topics of conversation, like hobbies or interests.
If you are introduced to a new person and you are already aware of whom she has been hooking up with, do not waste any time holding back that you already know this information. Remember, the last known person she was dating is the most basic, most cardinal aspect of her identity, so you must seize this opportunity to let your new friend know that you understand who she really is. Blurt out, as loudly as you possibly can, “Hey! You’re the chick who was hooking up with that chick Brooklyn! I saw you guys making out at Cubby Hole two weeks ago!” You will prove yourself to be a highly advanced lesbian, she will be impressed, and you will be BFFs forever.
If you are new to the lesbian scene, such bold proclamations of your personal life may seem strange, even off-putting, but rest assured that such outbursts are akin to the torch lighting at the Olympic Games. It is a ritual, an institution rooted in decades of lesbian history, that must be completed in order to proceed to other matters.
Smile back and say, “Why yes! You have correctly identified me as the person making out with Brooklyn two weeks ago at Cubby! Thank you for being so kind to notice. I owe you a round of beer, dear chap.”
Never, in any circumstances, say anything remotely resembling the following: “How did you know that, and why did you bring that up? It’s none of your business. Thanks to that shitshow I am now in therapy. Come closer so I can pistol whip you with my Android. Wait, what’s your name again?”
Remember, the sooner everyone knows the last person you’ve played tonsil hockey with, the more you are truly understood. The world is a cold and unforgiving place, and everyone wants to be understood. Help your new friend understand you. You will be better off in the long run.