Like jackals, lesbians like to travel in packs. Lesbians are also particularly susceptible to smartphone addiction, because they are genetically wired to convey their thoughts to anyone and everyone who is willing to listen. Some people call this narcissism, but in lesbian subculture, unrestrained verbal diarrhea is a perfectly acceptable – and even expected – social custom.
Thanks to the proliferation of iPhones, Androids and Blackberrys, lesbians everywhere can trap an entourage member into yet another therapy session via text message at any time of the day, stalk their dates or pepper their friends’ walls with inane comments on Facebook, or gossip about the lives of their friends and people who they don’t actually know.
But what really makes a lesbian more excited than a paparazzo in a room full of Kardashians is when she receives a mass email addressed to her extended jackal pack announcing a night on the town or a house party. This is not because she will get to drink cocktails with her friends and thirty other people she barely knows but pretends to be best friends with; it means that she will be able to solidify her position in the entourage by announcing her presence and expressing her thoughts to a built-in audience by pressing “reply all.”
Giving a chance to “reply all” to a lesbian is like giving a chance to a no name rapper to freestyle in front of P Diddy. The only difference is that, while the lucky lesbian is just as excited to spit mad lyrics, she will not actually have a chance to gain fame or fortune. The best she can hope for is approval for an especially notable reply, which will most likely be forgotten in ten seconds. But don’t tell this to a lesbian who has just received a party invite – she’s going to be a star baby.
Since everyone has a smart phone these days, this means that anyone can reply all, anywhere, anytime. Uh oh – here comes a birthday party invite! Look out, everyone! Your phone is about to vibrate faster than your pocket rocket.
Usually the original email is sent to gauge everyone’s availability on a particular day or to request RSVPs to an event, but don’t expect a lesbian to make an actual decision, like committing to show up at the event. That’s just too much to ask. Receiving such an email is actually an open invitation to do any or all of the following:
- write cryptic responses in an attempt to be witty
- write one word replies in all caps followed by multiple exclamation points approving of someone’s witty reply, e.g. “YESSSS!” and “LMAO!!!!!”
- make fun of someone else’s failed attempt to be witty
- correct someone’s grammar
- proclaim a bromance by trading inside jokes with your new BFF in front of 40 other people who couldn’t give a shit
- flirt so shamelessly with your girlfriend that everyone believes they are about to witness a live sex show
- send a Youtube link to a video that you have just discovered but everyone else has already seen
- send photos of LOL cats that have already appeared in the LOL cat book and everyone’s Facebook walls two years ago
- announce you cannot make the party – ostensibly to convey your sadness that you will miss the event – but really you just want to let everyone know that you are doing something cooler, e.g. “Sorry, I have box seats for Nicki Minaj!” “I would love to be there, but I’ll be snorkeling in the Turks and Caicos with my boo!”
- tell the host (and 40 other guests) that she should change the date of the birthday party because you are busy doing something cooler that day, such as seeing Nicki Minaj or snorkeling in the Caribbean, so won’t she be so kind to accommodate you by making everyone else attend another day, because obviously the event was created in your honor and not because the host’s mother happened to pop her out of her vagina 25 years earlier to the day
- send photos of your pet doing something exciting, such as sleeping
- derail the conversation by any other means possible
An email chain that originated from an event invite can go on for days without anyone actually RSVPing. If you do decide to rebel against lesbian social norms and make a decision to RSVP, do not, by any means, respond to the host privately, and do not respond to the list until everyone has had the chance to clog everyone’s inbox with pointless chatter.
Once you do decide to bite the bullet and RSVP, you must respond to the entire list with an especially amusing reply, so others can jump in and try to write an even wittier RSVP. The point is not to give the host a headcount so she can buy the proper amount of booze and food; the point is to dazzle the entire list with your Pulitzer-worthy prose. Once a critical mass of lesbians starts to RSVP, it is fine to respond with a simple “yes” or “no,” because obviously enough people are going to the event to deem it cool, and you no longer need to impress anyone.
Hosts should keep in mind that RSVPs via email are about as set in stone as messages written in 99 store chalk on a sidewalk in a rainstorm. Suddenly, four more box seats to Nicki will miraculously become available, special deals to the Caribbean will appear on Travelocity, or half the guest list will just get too drunk pregaming to go to your apartment in Brooklyn. You will never know who will actually show up until the event, because once a lesbian decides not to attend your event, she will magically forget about the email list and fail to inform you that she is not coming.
Even if the interminable jabbering is driving you batty, do not demand to be taken off the list or order everyone to cease and desist. That is like crying uncle thirty seconds into a wrestling match. You are stronger than that. You are a warrior. Warriors do not succumb to email chain rage, like civilians. The original email is a military roll call, and the soldiers are simply stating their presence. You are a fighter. Yes, you are.
If you are on one of these massive email chains and the amount of replies is draining your smartphone’s battery life and making you wish the internet was never created, keep in mind that, not only are you a soldier, being privy to the vacuous thoughts of forty of your Facebook friends is an honor. Whereas you must make an effort to log into Facebook to see the same people’s idiotic banter, being part of an email list means that someone out there thinks you should be exposed to the vapid chatter of a select group of people whether you like it or not. You don’t have to make an effort to be subjected to absurdity, because you are extraordinary. Wear it like a badge of honor. You are special ops – a decorated war veteran, my dear.
Everyone is a snowflake, and being added to an email list of forty lesbians means you are one exceptional snowflake. Now won’t you let everyone know how special you are by replying to the entire list? Take a photo of your cat and send it to everyone, announcing that she would love to make the party, but she is too busy making sculptures out of a ball of yarn, and don’t forget to give a shout out to your bestie of two weeks: “Bros 4 lyfe! xoxo muah muah muah!!!!” It is the right thing to do.