Let me set the scene for you. It’s 2am. Suddenly, you are awakened from a dead sleep by a text from your best friend. She’s just met Ms. Right and eagerly wants to share every minute detail. That’s right — according to your best friend, this girl is Jordana Brewster, Ellen DeGeneres, and Mother Theresa all rolled into one. So, naturally, you request a meeting of said girl before your best friend rents a U-haul, adopts “hers and hers” chocolate labs, and moves to Northampton.

You round up your entourage to partake in a simple group dinner — somewhere with a relatively inexpensive menu and a diverse beer selection. And to your initial relief, your best friend seems to have finally found a genuine, down-to-earth lesbian to love.

But then this so-called Ms. Right sends her drink back six times, harps about her never-ending ex drama, and manages to personally offend ever single person at the table all before the appetizers arrive. And suddenly it hits you like a ton of bricks…Your best friend is dating a real life Jenny Schecter!

Let’s face it. Lesbians love dating difficult girls. Whether they’re experimenting, unstable, overly controlling, or have more exes than Liza Minnelli, these girls have a certain appeal that even the most levelheaded lesbian cannot resist. In the wide world of women, it’s like an extreme sport. Why cliff dive or bungee jump when you can attempt to have a quasi-normal relationship with a girl who’s a few French fries short of Happy Meal?

One sustainable reason for sadomasochistic past time is the simple fact that lesbians love a challenge. This innate competitive drive can be seen in all aspects of lesbian culture. Pool, flip cup, impromptu wrestling matches at semi-formal events, and yes, even in dating.

Example:

Lesbian #1: “Get this. My girlfriend made me drive to five different Petcos just to track down a Yorkie-sized Mets jersey. Then, she told me to return it. Apparently, orange and blue make Sprinkles look fat. She’s insane, but I love her”
Lesbian #2: “My girl’s still sleeping with her ex.”
Lesbian#1: “That’s not too bad.”
Lesbian #2: “Her ex is named Benjamin.”
Lesbian #1: “You win.”

If you discover that one of your friends is showing off a new love interest that happens to have a 20 piece luggage set complete with a few homicidal exes, never fear. Although these relationships are intriguing they tend to have a relatively short shelf life. 99.9% of dating disasters will ultimately end in a dyke drama blowout of Hiroshima proportions.

So, sit tight, stock up on the Ben and Jerry’s, and wait for that 2 am “that lying *@#! has cheated on me for the last time” text.

Because more often than not, Ms. Right is actually Ms. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!