Why pay a therapist when you have the free advice of your friends?   We are both experts and novices in lezzie breakup drama – forever novices with our own breakups but highly skilled experts when it comes to our friends’ breakup drama. We have all been there to dish up the “you can do it!” and “DISENGAGE!” as well as take in the verbal hug that is “sweetie, you deserve better” or “maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.”  Working things through is essential for a lezzie’s mental health.

Processing sessions with your friends will help you work through mental hurdles and landmines that are common to all lezzies.  As smart as we are, we like to step right into big steaming piles of shit, and so, as a public service, I have taken it upon myself to decipher the following clichéd phrases that are commonly used when the shit hits the fan:

“She’s CRAAAZZY!!!”:  The Lezzie likes to deal with a breakup by telling the world that her ex is crazy.  This may or may not be true.  Take a minute to remind yourself that every lezzie is a little crazy in her own special way.   Including you.     Wouldn’t it be better if you found someone with crazy that complements yours?

“It’s me, not you.”:  We would all like to believe that it was HER but of course you are going to obsess that it was because of YOU.  Don’t process yourself to death on ”HER vs. YOU” because really… does it matter?  Nope.   Now, c’mon! Get off the couch and put on yer dancin’ shoes – your friends are gonna take you to the club!

“It is what it is”:  A phrase empty in nutrition and loaded with mental calories, don’t knock yourself over trying to figure out what ”it” is if it’s not already apparent.   Whoever uses this phrase needs to be slapped upside the head whether you are the breaker-upper or the break-upee because it just sucks.  If you need help working through this one, think of it as “agree to disagree” – no resolution… just let it be.

“I love you but I’m not in love with you”:  DAGGER!  There’s no one good way to deal with this one if you are the recipient.  Letting go is easier said than done (and you know damn well you will need to let go).  Perhaps you may use the common trick of distraction to aid whilst processing.  Throw yourself into work, go get another degree, throw a house party, make some pottery, drink - it doesn’t matter.  Get off your ass and do something.  If you need to remove yourself from the scene for a bit of time, do it.  Your friends and the greater lezzie world will understand.

“Let’s be friends“:   Personally, I lean on the side of DON’T DO IT!!  DON’T TORTURE YOURSELF!!!  but I have seen people successfully navigate a break-up into a friendship.  It happens and it’s a beautiful thing, but don’t force yourself - nobody likes to hang out with a miserable lezzie.

While you are in the midst of a breakup or another situation causing emotional turmoil, these and other commonly used phrases may confound you. Your friends will be able to read between the lines and translate these code words into a form that you can understand. However, beware of friends who are too imaginative, for they will insert meaning where there is none and lead you astray. Avoid these troublemakers, or else you will end up twice as confused and twice as miserable.