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Grace Fannie

Stuff Lesbians Like Part 57: Wanting Famous Women To Be Lesbians Even Though We Have No Chance With Them

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A thing about lesbians is that we often want famous women, especially attractive and/or talented ones, to be lesbians. This phenomenon is particularly true of 3 types of famous women, in descending order. Female musicians, actors who play lesbian characters, and actors who play strong female leads in movies that we insist have lesbian-subtext.

However, after the initial hoping that [insert hot famous person] is a lesbian, one of two things occurs, each having the same result.

One, we find out that even though she will always be Willow to us, Alyson Hannigan isn’t a lesbian in real life and, therefore, we have zero chance with her.

Or two, we find out that yes, Leisha Hailey, Jodie Foster, and Portia de Rossi are lesbians, but unfortunately for us, they’re hot, rich, and famous and therefore we still have zero chance with them. After all, like their heterosexual counterparts, these women probably want to form relationships with people as good-looking, famous, and rich as they themselves are.

Clearly, both roads lead to disappointment. But these minor details never stop us from regularly googling “Brandi Carlile, lesbian” anyway, just because we have to know. One desperate Our-Charter sums it up quite nicely in a post entitled Brandi Carlile:

“Do you know her music? Do you absolutely love her? Is she gay? (please say yes)”

Yep.

But sister, you still don’t have a chance with her.

Wait a minute….. yes?!

[Leaves to go wash hair]

24 Responses to “Stuff Lesbians Like Part 57: Wanting Famous Women To Be Lesbians Even Though We Have No Chance With Them”

  1. Jul Says:

    I tend to agree with you, but after seeing the atrocities which are:

    - Jodie Foster’s selection of women…I feel like I have all the shot in the world. I’m a supermodel compared to those women.
    - Ellen Degeneres – total donald trump phenomenon…she’s ugly as sin, but she’s rich, seems nice, and can get hot chicks because she’ll give them a nice life and won’t beat them. I also heard she’s wicked good in bed. Anne heche still says she’s the best lover she’s had.
    - Leisha Hailey isn’t well known to anyone BUT lesbians, and doesn’t really have money. She has “showtime” and “band” money…and if you’ve seen the videos, it’s pretty low budget.

    The thing I have going for me?
    - most actresses are very insecure
    - most want a “normal” girl
    - I’m attractive and have enough that I don’t need them to support me
    - most actresses use drugs….this is the criteria I’m really banking on. If she’s drunk or high, I’ve definitely got a shot.

  2. fannie Says:

    “- most actresses use drugs….this is the criteria I’m really banking on. If she’s drunk or high, I’ve definitely got a shot.”

    LOL :-)

  3. Kitcat Says:

    Wait, Jodie Foster’s gay? Where the hell have I been!?! She is SO hot! And yes, Ellen Degeneres is ugly, but she is so frickin’ funny it realy doesn’t matter!

  4. Meredith Says:

    Cate Blanchett. Damn that husbands and two sons…

  5. fannie Says:

    Hey! I think Ellen is cute, by the way.

  6. Monica Says:

    “If she’s drunk or high, I’ve definitely got a shot.”

    HIGH-larious…..

  7. Elizabeth Says:

    I’m pretty sure I’m the last person to know that Brandy Carlile is gay… a (straight female) friend of mine and I used to debate whether Missy Higgins or Brandy Carlile was cuter/better… I took the side of Missy and then decided that I won when she came out as ‘not so straight’… and my friend, knowing Brandy was gay, never mentioned that fact and took the defeat. But that’s probably because I called her the gayest straight girl I know- her favorite musicians are Tegan and Sara, Brandy and Missy- she was probably trying to ‘save face’… ;)

  8. Elizabeth Says:

    Brandi. I spelled her name wrong numerous times there. OOps. Also, I don’t think Ellen is ugly at all. She’s cute with her button ups and sneakers…

  9. Grace O'Neill Says:

    Have to agree on that one… Ellen is adorable. Anyone that can get away with converse sneakers as formal wear gets a big gold star in my book!

  10. tuffdawg04 Says:

    i have to say i dont even know who Brandy Carlile is …. I SWEAR I’M GAY …lol … I know Higgins and I’m a huge Ferrick fan (her musci not her looks)

  11. tuffdawg04 Says:

    yea big ellen fan … she’s cute … wouldnt say hot … but def cutie

  12. freedomgirl Says:

    i just need to break in here and say that there is a big difference between ‘ugly’ and ‘unfeminine’. i know our society says differently, but people like ellen and melissa ferrick and samantha ronson are unfeminine, not ugly or badly dressed.

    and i would go so far as to say that there are certain queer women, such as myself, who think that the masculine women among us are the sexiest, most attractive people alive, and i count myself lucky that they exist and are interested in feminine women like me.

    ‘unattractive’ is most certainly only in the eye of the beholder!

  13. Grace Chu Says:

    hey, leisha hailey also has yoplait yogurt money too. :)

  14. Xtina Says:

    But Samantha Ronson *is* badly dressed….

    As far as ‘masculine women’ go….count me among the people who thought Cate Blanchett looked A-FREAKING-MAZING in “I’m Not There”.
    I’m almost afraid that makes me bisexual.

  15. Grace Chu Says:

    ellen is definitely not badly dressed (well nowadays at least – in the 80s, that’s a different story). ellen looks sharp.

    samantha ronson, however, never got the memo that the 90s are over. :)

  16. fannie Says:

    Remember when Ellen had a mullet back in the early days? :-)

  17. Carrie Says:

    “Female musicians, actors who play lesbian characters, and actors who play strong female leads in movies that we insist have lesbian-subtext.”
    You speak the truth, sister.

    Strong yet straight female leads get me every time.
    Eliza Dushku- Faith in Buffy
    Rhona Mitra- Eden Sinclair in “Doomsday”

    and yay lesbian subtext. Mary Louise Parker + Elizabeth Perkins are totally in love with each other on “Weeds”.

  18. fannie Says:

    “Strong yet straight female leads get me every time.”

    Speaking of Buffy, I would like to add “Dark Willow.” :-)

  19. Shirkie Says:

    Carrie I am totally with you on Eliza Dushku. I refer to her as my imaginary wife, saying, “We’re married, she just doesn’t know it yet.” I loved here, LOVED her as Faith, I fall into the “insisting movies have lesbian subtext” trap every time I see her as Missy Pantone in “Bring It On” (Missy is TOTALLY a lesbian, no argument period!), and now that “Dollhouse” is on, I have that Virtual Echo program (www.fox.com/virtualecho) installed on my comp just so I can have my very own Eliza prance around on my desktop in sexy outfits at my beck and call.

  20. Kim Says:

    I love love love Jul’s response :) <3

  21. Tara Says:

    “Mary Louise Parker + Elizabeth Perkins are totally in love with each other on ‘Weeds’.”

    Amen, sister!!!! I thought I was the only one. Celia totally got the hots for Nance, and you could tell how much they love/hated each other and wanted each other so badly, hence all the tensions and weird fights (physical or not)

  22. Uh huh Says:

    I’ve scored with famous chicks, and I’m just a regular girl.

    Just sayin’…

  23. Em Says:

    I wish angie harmon was gay..i wouldnt have a shot in hell, but still…the thought alone turns me on…too bad shes a bible thumping quarterback fucking republican.

  24. Seriously though.. Says:

    lol, googling “(insert famous hot chick’s name), lesbian”
    that is very much a thing.

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