 | Stuff Lesbians Like Part 59: Picking up lesbian-themed films at Blockbuster for no other reason than the fact that they are lesbian-themed films (and becoming sorely disappointed)By Grace Chu |
Lesbians like to discover films featuring lesbian characters, because we crave media representation of ourselves. Although the well of tolerable lesbian-themed films runs dry quickly, we grit our teeth, forge ahead and sit through some real stinkers, because there are only so many available titles geared towards lesbian audiences. As they say, beggars can’t be choosers.
We justify watching badly-produced films by using euphemisms such as “artsy” and “indie.” We endure other films, rationalizing that the dialogue must be “insightful” and “poignant,” when the films are nothing more than two-hour-long processing sessions that are thinly-veiled vehicles for the filmmakers to air their past relationship issues. Like Blaxploitation for African-Americans in the 1970s, lesbians have a limited supply of films available to us in the lesbian-interest genre, and as a result, we are exposed to some truly execrable films.
Of course, in the lesbian-interest genre there are some gems, like But I’m A Cheerleader, D.E.B.S., Saving Face, and Imagine Me And You. Unfortunately, the marginally watchable ones can be exhausted over the course of one weekend, and then you’re stuck with the dogs.
Here is a list of lesbian films one should avoid at all costs.
Go Fish: If Jenny Schecter had been a film student in at the University of Chicago, this would have been her senior thesis. (Fact: The University of Chicago is widely known as the fine institution where fun goes to die.) Experimental montages with weird music? Check. Overly philosophical dialogue about what it means to be a lesbian? Check. If you want to see frumpy 1990s lesbians processing and navel gazing, the by all means, see this film! Thank goodness it’s the new millennium.
Girl Play: If you want to see neurotic lesbians in the new millennium processing, then by all means, see this film! Processing is a time-honored lesbian tradition, but we don’t want to be exposed to it for the duration of an entire feature-length film. The film mostly consists of monologues directed at the camera by the two lead actresses. You will feel like you have been unwittingly cast as the role of therapist, and by the end of this film you will want to see one yourself.
Love And Suicide: If you want to see bad acting and teenagers acting stupid and suicidal, then by all means, see this film! If you make it to the end of this film without taking a cue from the main characters by swallowing pills with whisky in an attempt to put yourself out of the abject misery that is the act of watching this film, you must be one of those people impervious to torture “enhanced interrogation techniques.”
And now, the worst lesbian movie of all time…
Bar Girls: If you want to be ashamed of being a lesbian, then by all means, see this film! Since Sarah Warn, Editor-in-Chief of AfterEllen, has done such a good job excoriating this film, I will direct you to her review. Its first sentence reads as follows and gets straight to the point: “Bar Girls is officially The Worst Lesbian Movie in the World.”
So how exactly did Bar Girls earn this distinction? Let me count the ways. First there’s the fact that almost everyone in the film is a graduate of the School of Over-Acting, and the dialogue is painfully cliched, awkward, or uninspired. For example, the two main characters actually refer to sex as “the grown-up,” and a newly-bisexual character trying to flirt with another woman says “I’m looking for women to join a female encounter group for women who want to gain empowerment through getting in touch with their own femaleness.” A few other choice lines: “You, friend of semen?” and “She’s very learned in the ways of lesbianism.” I could go on, but I’m breaking out in hives as I write these lines.
Here is a short review of Bar Girls by a friend of mine, who saw the abomination in a theater during its original release. As you will see, the feeling of utter horror evoked by this film is still etched like a regrettable tattoo in her memory, over twelve years after its release:
I remember going to the Angelika, and the room full of dykes were half laughing their butts off and half screeching at the screen… it was the WORST MOVIE EVER!
The only reason to see any of these films is to be able to brag that you have seen every lesbian film available at Blockbuster. However, that is like saying that you have imbibed from all the water sources in the world, including dysentery-infested watering holes in Africa and the toilets at 7-11 and Wawa.
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August 28th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I promise you. When I start making films I will make ONE really good lesbian movie.
But the rest’ll be crap.
And I will come back to this list to see my own titles listed. LOL
August 28th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I would like to add Grey Matters to the list of horrifically bad lesbian films… At one point Alan Cummings puts on the worse drag ever in order to sneak into a lesbian bar and acts as Heather Graham’s wingman… I really want those two hours of my life back. lol
August 28th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
After exhausting almost every lesbian movie at blockbuster, I came upon “Claire of the Moon” which I would hereby like to add to the really bad lesbian-processing film list.
It actually takes place at some sort of woman-writer retreat thingy where they sit around talking. A straight woman and lesbian are roommates and some really “deep” sexual identity processing occurs.
August 28th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Ahh! Gray Matters is by no means a *good* movie… but it’s not that bad. I wouldn’t list it with the worst… I think it’s cute and funny, for the most part… And who doesn’t love Alan Cummings in any type of drag…
August 28th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
I decided to move the list that was originally in the post to the comments section, because my post was too long.
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And now, a list!
10 Things I would Rather Do than Sit Through a Marathon of the Aforementioned Movies
(1) Make out with Steve Buscemi;
(2) Stick my finger in battery acid;
(3) Be waterboarded;
(4) Eat an earthworm without condiments;
(5) Watch “2 Girls 1 Cup” (Google it) back to back five times;
(6) Let Ann Coulter touch me inappropriately;
(7) Stick my face in a cat litter box that hasn’t been cleaned in a week;
(8) Be locked in a room with a lesbian separatist and/or a lesbian obsessed with Michel Foucault and other postmodern theorists for 24 hours(Sorry, no can do. Honestly, I’d rather eat dog feces AND watch all four of the above films than to be subject to such insufferable specimens of the sisterhood without a means for escape.)(8) Participate in the Pamplona bull run on rusty roller skates made in the 1970s;
(9) Be tased, bro; and
(10) Vote for John Mccain. (Okay, I wouldn’t really vote for McCain. Relax. But if you care about all that is decent in America, don’t allow any DVDs of the aforementioned films to come within a ten foot radius of any lesbian you remotely care about.)
Get the picture?
August 28th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
omg lmfao HILARIOUS! geez i tried watching 2girls1cup once, i managed to watch it for five seconds lmfao.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
worst movie i have seen- high art.. while indie and kinda interesting at some point the ending not only left you with the desire to shoot yourself in the face. although some of the dialogue was some what redeeming. The interaction btw the love interest- i cant even remember her name and her mother, now that was funny because it was truth.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
you said “be tased bro.” I adore you.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:41 am
I really liked the movie until the end… that was just tragic… ugh.
August 29th, 2008 at 3:19 am
Luckily my “work my way through all of queer cinema” has been pretty kind to me so far…but I’ll definitely avoid these movies!
August 29th, 2008 at 10:42 am
Yes! I am guilty of this. The most notable horrible movie I picked up under these circumstances was a troubled-teen-falls-for-teacher film called “Loving Annabelle.” Ladies, do not repeat my mistakes. There’s not even a laugh factor!
August 29th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Claire of the Moon was the first lesbian movie I ever saw, at the youth gay club. Needless to say that evening I went home and asked myself the short but tough question: am I really 100% sure about this lesbian thing? That was about… hmmm, 14 years ago. Still here. Still kicking. But steering clear of lesbian movies ever since.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Lost and Delirious is tragic, and almost made me cry, but I’ve never been sure whether that was because it is well-made tragic, or because it’s a crummy movie and I was pms-ing.
D.E.B.S., on the other hand, can save anyone from pms.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Aw, man! How can you include Go Fish in the same list with Bar Girls? Go Fish, at least, has some sweet moments and doesn’t take itself too seriously. It also happens to be the only lesbian flick I own on DVD.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Good (or at least funny)
1. When Night Is Falling
2. Better than Chocolate
3. The Incredible Trued Adventures of Women in Love
4. Gaudi Afternoon
5. But I’m a Cheerleader
6. A Girl Thing
7. If These Walls Could Talk 2
8. Chasing Amy
9. Bar Girls
10. Everything Relative
Depressing
1. GIA
2. Monkey’s Mask
3. High Art
4. Lost and Delirious
5. Boys on the Side
6. Brandon Teena story
7. Fire
8. 3 of Hearts
Really Horrible
1. Mulholland Drive
Toss-up
1. Chutney Popcorn
2. Desert Hearts
3. Claire of the Moon
September 19th, 2008 at 11:27 am
haha, I liked that movie! It made me cry . . . almost.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:28 am
my girlfriend rented it once and we got through five minutes of it . . . I’d rather watch the first season of Real World five times than watch “Go Fish” all the way through.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:30 am
I found a great lesbian-themed French movie, new to DVD, called Water Lilies. I high recommend it to anyone serious about indie flicks.
September 28th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Glad to see you mention The Incredibly True Story… – loved that one myself.
October 20th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Totally agree with you on the Girl play review
However the lesbian movie land is not such a waste land anymore
There are movies like Fire, by Deepa mehta and A love to keep and Saving face, I could go on. These are really good movies that any lesbian woman could relate to without cringing
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October 29th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
No list of bad lesbian movies would be complete without “April’s Shower.” I couldn’t watch the whole thing, I made it through maybe 30 minutes. The writing was horrible, the acting atrocious and the plot absolutely ridiculous. Avoid! Avoid! Avoid!
November 10th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
OMG!
You must have missed the kitchen scene
Absolutely made the whole movie
If you are wondering “what kitchen scene”, there is only one worth mentioning
November 10th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Oh no! I see what you’re doing, trying to trick me into watching the whole movie. *shakes head.* Nope, not going to put myself through that again lol.
December 5th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
i HAVE to mention on the “worst” list:
kissing jessica stein.
it’s on all my friends “faves” lists, but that movie makes me want to shoot myself. straight girl meets bicurious girl and they try to have a relationship but only one of them is actually into the physical side of it while the other just wants to be really close friends… and then lesbian bed death occurs almost instantly. and it doesn’t even end happily. suuuuuuuuuuuuuucked.
March 17th, 2010 at 10:03 am
I have to say I agree with LC. And was wondering if liz ever got round to watching April’s Shower
July 15th, 2010 at 4:35 pm
Bound~ great movie!