 | I kissed a boy, and I liked it … at the time.By Grace Lehman |
I dated boys in high school and college and ultimately married one. I can blame an insanely strict upbringing or cultural brainwashing or Ellen not being out yet, but the fact remains that I was strictly-dickly for 28 years. No gold medal for me.
I mean, I noticed women – the occasional one was pretty hot – and I smiled at myself and thought I was such an open-minded little vixen. But I never considered doing anything about it. I mean, my whole life would change. Who I thought I was would change. And what would people say? Then there’s the parent thing.
But one day, I met her, and I had to do it. I ditched the husband, for a lot of reasons, and got my lesbian ticket punched, baby.
My whole life did change. Who I thought I was changed, too. But it was all for the best. I mean, my parents eventually spoke to me again, and I only lost a few friends, whom I haven’t missed.
I think about the women I know who have traveled in the other direction, who live years as lesbians and then fall in love with a man. Same issues and fears, except for the parent thing, and I know they must lose some friends. (Yo, it’s hard to hit the potlucks and drum circles with a husband.)
One of my exes married a guy a couple of years ago, and I will be honest – I had way more to say about it than I should have. Yes, it was a fun story to tell at the reception (“How do I know them? Oh, I used to date the bride.”), but it also pushed my buttons in a big way, and I’m not sure why. Surely I ought to be able to understand love in unexpected packages.
Anyway, I’ve been to two ex-lesbian weddings since then and have heard of a few more old friends who have tied a more traditional knot. My hat is off, girls; it cannot be easy. Except for the parent thing.
Me, I still notice the occasional hot guy. I even kissed one the other day, and it wasn’t … too … bad.
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October 21st, 2008 at 7:06 pm
“kissed one the other day”?
I’m sure the wifey wouldn’t like that! >: )
October 21st, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Nah. Don’t have one of those anymore.
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:00 am
hi there… been there, done that. i was a lezzie in high school but then i somehow got married, with 2 kids. but i can’t run away from who i really am and for numerous solid reasons, i divorced the husband. now i am back to my old self, with a very cute gf, i would say. and of course, the parents thing. forever suspicious!
October 22nd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I’ve thought a lot about why it sucks so much when an ex goes back to the other team, and the best I can come up with is that it has something to do with acceptance. When we pull a straight girl over to our side, it’s like one more person in the world accepts me/the lgbt community. If she goes back, it’s like a rejection, not just of me, but of the community as well. And it’s so awkward to have to return your free toaster to headquarters.
I know this logic is completely irrational, but so are most affairs of the heart, and learning to be ok with yourself and your place in the lgbt community is definitely an affair of the heart.
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:52 pm
I must admit I’ve been there also. Did the whole guy thing tried to convince myself until I hit 20. Had the long serious relationship who I believed was the one. Had my fling with guys until one day I realized what I really want….WOMEN! My first girlfriend was expecting to get married this year and I was invited. Deep down I am happy for her and do not feel weird at all. After 6 years of being out of the closest I am happy that I still have those that love me in my life. I can never imagine kissing another guy again or anything else for that matter.
October 23rd, 2008 at 7:31 am
H.A.M. – you’re not being irrational at all! I completely understand where you’re coming from. The same kinda goes when a celebrity tries the water but quickly swims back to hedro-land.
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:00 am
Yep, I always feel that way when someone pulls a Julie Cipher, too. And we’re starting to bleed a little into how straights and gays react to bisexuals, a group who I know feels largely misunderstood by everyone. So, to the bi girls out there, just know that when we seem to just not get it (your sexuality), for many of us, rationally we understand it, but emotionally we get wrapped up in all of these acceptance issues. Plus, like anything, it’s virtually impossible to fully understand something you don’t think/feel/want yourself.
Sorry to go off on the tangent, but this issue of acceptance touches so many areas of the average lgbt life. I know my mom, for example, feels that by being gay that I have rejected femininity and traditional womanhood, something she felt was her privilege and responsibility to pass on to me. Throw in that I’m a little more on the butch side (I like to think of myself as an estro-gent, but that’s neither here nor there), and in her mind I may as well have aborted all those fetuses I’ll never carry.
Anyway, I think about this stuff way too much.
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Your story reminded me of an Ember Swift song – “Boinked (The Bride)”:
http://www.last.fm/music/Ember+Swift/_/Boinked+(The+Bride)
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:19 pm
“Estro-gent” sounds hot. Please move to Pittsburgh.
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Oh Grace, you flatter me. I just got a great job (read: pays 20% better than my previous job) in Philly, so Pittsburgh is probably not in the stars any time soon. Does it help that I prefer the Steelers over the Eagles? Are you at least impressed that I found a job in this swirling poop storm we call an economy?
October 23rd, 2008 at 7:31 pm
I am impressed!