 | Graceful Holiday Survival GuideBy Grace Lehman |
It’s almost time to haul our lesbian, vegan, wiccan asses back to the small towns from which we escaped years ago, so that we can celebrate how thankful we are to have done so.
Here are just a few do’s and don’ts for the big day:
DO initiate a discussion about Sarah Palin and the liberal media. This will be more entertaining than a barrel of monkeys, trust me.
DON’T ask any relative over the age of 70 how s/he is feeling unless you are an EMT and can handle this sort of thing over dinner.
DO bring your love bunny. Bonus points for trans bunnies.
DON’T try any dish that your relatives promise to tell you the ingredients of as soon as you taste it.
DO arrange with your cool cousin for a drinking game during the main course. Suggested drink triggers include mentions of:
- People from your high school.
- Members of the Republican party.
- Bill Ayers.
- Deities.
- Life-threatening illnesses. Two drinks if the patient is unknown to both of you.
DON’T worry about being stuck at the kids’ table. They’re not leaving you unsupervised.
DO wonder aloud why Mormons, given their history of marriage persecution, would work so hard to pass Prop 8. Allow a full minute of awkward silence – two if your family is Mormon.
DON’T forget that these are the people who made you into the strong, independent dyke that you are today.
DO love them all you can. And help with the dishes, for Goddess’ sake.
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November 18th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Hmmmm….I thought we just sat and slowly sipped red wine. Who knew?
janet
November 18th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
haha i am definately going to have to come up with a drinking game!
November 18th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
“Allow a full minute of awkward silence – two if your family is Mormon.”
Hahahaha!!! Well, THAT made my day!
November 19th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
When I was living in Green Bay, I was at ‘thanksgiving’ with my friend and her family. My friends sister is gay, but hadn’t told her parents yet, as if it was a big deal since my friend had already been out for years.
We spent the day trying to out her sister, it was a blast!
November 19th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
My girlfriend is meeting my parents for the first time this Thanksgiving. She’s moving in after the New Year. My parents live across the backyard from me. I’m planning on drinking heavily.
November 20th, 2008 at 10:17 am
I see your Mormon and I raise you a Southern Baptist. Yep, my brother is a southern baptist and we’ll be having Thanksgiving with him and my sister. I’ll be VERY thankful if my 7 year old keeps his radical atheism to himself this year.
November 20th, 2008 at 11:17 am
My parents belong to one of those “Bible” churches – extra fundamentalist with no national organization to be the voice of reason. Women are not allow to speak in church. They think theocracy (theirs) would be a good idea. I try not to schedule any Sundays in their town. Oh, and no drinking, smoking, dancing, card-playing or movies, and you’d better not join the Masons. Or be a lesbian.