Picture this. You’re sitting in a lecture hall surrounded by approximately a hundred of your classmates, and your professor is lecturing about the history of certain quirks of American real property law that had its origins in feudal England — and all of a sudden, you have the following thought: “Hm, I know that she’s wearing a diamond ring bigger than JLo’s, but if she were a lesbian, I wonder if she would be a top or a bottom?” The thought comes out of nowhere and obviously has nothing to do with real property law.

Lesbians, like all people, have spontaneous yet inappropriate sexual thoughts about others from time to time. Whereas straight guys simply accept this as a fact of life, lesbians tend to process the significance of these thoughts ad nauseam. The initial thought lasts around two seconds, but then it is followed immediately by, “Wow, did I just think that?” and then followed by, “Holy shit, did I just think that about YOU OF ALL PEOPLE?!” And then…

Internal Monologue
“NO! This is wack.”
“But wait… she’s hot.”
“Ew, that’s my professor!”
“But she is a hot professor.”
“A professor old enough to be your mother!”
“Ever heard of the term ‘MILF’? MILF! MILF! MILF!”
“Gross!”
“Not so gross!”
“GROSS!”
“NOT GROSS!”
“I don’t know! I need reinforcements!”

You immediately ask your friends’ opinions about this most pressing issue, because lesbian processing is not a private matter. Sharing is caring after all. You send out a mass text message in the middle of lecture: “Hey is it just me or is Professor F sort of hot?”

Over the course of the lecture, responses trickle in.

“WTF?! It’s Just U! Now I’m sick. UGH.”
“Wut R U smoking?”
“Wow, law school has lowered ur standards.”

Then finally! Validation!

“Every1 thinks Prof F a MILF. U R so unoriginal.”

But wait… hold on! Unoriginal? You’re not unoriginal! You text your friend back, “Wut do u mean unoriginal?”

Ten minutes of rapid texting ensues to define the term “unoriginal,” and you learn that although you didn’t come up with a novel concept, you are not a weirdo because yes, in fact, for years and years, students have singled out this particular professor as ogle-worthy.

In any event, the unexpected inappropriate thought that lasted a total of two seconds has triggered a series of events that has destroyed your concentration for the rest of the lecture, and you end up having to copy all the notes from your friend, who obviously never had the same inappropriate thought about the professor, because her notes are meticulous. Your friend is also the world’s most asexual person on the face of the earth. You’re convinced that she is a robot. She also reminds you of Meryl Streep’s character in The Devil Wears Prada, which scares you. She will be filthy rich someday.

List of People You Shouldn’t Have Inappropriate Thoughts About (But You Have Those Thoughts About Them Anyway)
- Your professor
- Your student
- Your therapist
- Your client
- Your straight married friend
- Your gay married friend
- Your boss
- Your mentee at your law firm (Hi Michelle Obama! I heard it worked out for you!)
- Your martial arts instructor
- Sarah Palin

These thoughts often come at the most inopportune moments, like social situations from which you cannot escape, like, say, a bar mitzvah in the Catskills that you had to take a carpool to get to. You can’t just run outside and hail a taxi. Or walk to public transportation. You’re stuck. With the person you’d rather not have inappropriate thoughts about, but you’re having them anyway because you’re retarded. Furthermore, the wonderful concept called “assigned seating” has placed you directly in front of her. And let me repeat this again: You. Can’t. Leave.

Friend: “Hey, what’s the matter with you? You look peaked.”
Your Response: “I think the hummus I just ate contained a bug. I have to excuse myself now. I’m going to get some water.”
What You’re Really Thinking: “I think I have developed a crush on you. WTF?! You’re married with three rugrats. And you’re my FRIEND. EWWWW! Consequently, I am going to go outside and punch myself in the head. And then get some vodka.”

[later]

Friend: “Hey, that’s not water. That’s vodka.”
Your Response: “I think vodka will kill the bug that I swallowed more expeditiously than plain old water.”
What You’re Really Thinking: “Maybe if I drink enough vodka the alcohol will kill the right brain cells to erase all memory of these thoughts I’m having… hopefully permanently! Hey, it’s worth a shot. Or two. Or three! So cheers, muhfucka!!!”

Although I do not suggest drinking yourself into a stupor in these situtations (except in property law class, where the subject matter will actually make more sense while inebriated), it is preferable to the alternative, which is throwing common sense out of the window and pretending you’re living in a lesbian version of a Meg Ryan/Julia Roberts movie, where the most impossible and absurd pairings are portrayed as the best ideas for women since tampons and pepper spray.

However, in real life, doing things like chasing after your professor – or chasing after any of the above – will get you shot down quicker than a moose in Wasilla, AK and will make you the biggest subject of gossip in the history of your entourage, which is about as fun as having your wisdom teeth pulled or your ACL ripped into shreds – unless you are Michelle Obama, in which case you’ll end up living in the White House. But you are not Michelle Obama, so you will end up in a situation more warped, awkward and complicated than anything conjured up by the writers of Gossip Girl or Nip/Tuck.

So ignore these thoughts. You will graduate. You will move onto another job. You will discover that your friend is a Duke fan and you will get completely turned off. Remember, as with everything, this too shall pass.