There is a Chinese saying, “chi ku,” which means “eat bitterness.” The concept of eating bitterness roughly translates to: “Life sucks, so shut up, and grin and bear it.” Eating bitterness is sort of like the Protestant work ethic, except that there is no underlying expectation of personal salvation at the end of all of that diligence, restraint and suffering. Eating bitterness will not get you closer to God. You’re just supposed to eat bitterness… and then you die.
For lesbians, eating bitterness is a skill that is as essential as eating pussy. Since lesbian social circles are inexorably incestuous as lesbians insist on collecting exes as friends and are prone to developing inappropriate feelings towards their friends, plenty of opportunities to eat bitterness naturally arise in the lesbian world. The lesbian who walks into a difficult social situation, wilts and says “I can’t take it!” is a failed lesbian. Lesbians are supposed to have hearts and stomachs of steel.
- You are at game night at your friend’s house. Your ex walks in. CHI KU!
- Your ex walks in with her new girlfriend. Both look great, and it’s that time of the month for you, so you’re breaking out. CHI KU!
- Your friend that you’ve been inappropriately crushing on walks into the room. CHI KU!
- She is with her overprotective girlfriend, who can snap your pencil neck with her pinky. CHI KU!
- After half an hour of Scrabble, you are down to your last tiles, and you only have the letters “c,” “h,” “i,” “k,” and “u.” “Chi ku” is not a valid Scrabble word. You lose. Ha ha! CHI KU!
“But wait,” you say. “No one likes eating bitterness. Not even lesbians.” Ah, young padawan… you do not know the ways of the Sapphic sisterhood. Lesbians will puff their chests out and openly brag about how well they eat bitterness, like it is some badge of honor. Like frat boys swallowing goldfish whole after taking five Jagermeister shots, lesbians will deliberately place themselves in a situation where they have to eat bitterness to appear simultaneously martyr-like and macho. Like David Blaine’s incurable compulsion to put himself in dangerous life-or-death situations for the amusement of onlookers, lesbians cannot control their desire to prove their mettle by walking into circumstances where they have to eat bitterness.
- “Although I felt my ACL tearing, I clutched the football like it was my firstborn child, kept my eyes on the end zone and powered through the searing pain. I ended up in the emergency room, but I did not shed a tear, not even once.”
- “I saw my lying cheating ex at a club with her new snaggletoothed girlfriend. EVEN THOUGH HER NEW GIRLFRIEND IS AN UGLY SKANK AND I WANTED TO PISTOL WHIP BOTH OF THEM WITH MY BLACKBERRY, I went up to them and cordially said, ‘Hi.’”
- “I am abstaining from sex, because it builds character.”
The proper response to these declarations of successful bitterness-eating is to pat your lesbian friend on the head and say, “My what a good lesbian you are. You are so skilled at eating bitterness. In fact, your abilities have the potential of reaching legendary status. Why don’t I buy you a drink to congratulate you.” She will appreciate that you validated her superhuman ability to withstand suffering and will come away with the satisfaction that she is an advanced lesbian.