Step 1: Gear up! Pop on the Adidas shorts, lace up the sneakers, grab the iPod, phone, and keys
Step 2: Sign-in to gym
Step 3: Put on lifting gloves
Step 4: Walk by the straight males in the weight room and pop two 45lb weights on the bench for your warm-up.
Step 5: Play The Butchies on your iPod
Step 6: Lift and smile! You’re a big old dyke and proud of it.
Dykes love weightlifting. Lesbians love the gym, but dykes have a special room they call their own. It’s a room of pure simplicity. The floors are padded with gray sponge-like flooring. The colors are usually black and silver with maybe a little red. There are mirror everywhere to see how your muscles are progressing. There are no pictures or mechanisms to help you out. It’s just you, the free weights, and loud music playing in your ears. It’s pure nirvana. Even with all the pluses listed above, the element that makes weightlifting dyketastic has to do with the men you are displacing while practicing your awesomeness. What men don’t realize is that we own the weight section. We are better at it than you. We never over-extend. We lift safely. We come in numbers. Plus, we are not afraid to show you up when the ladies walk by.
Weightlifting is meditation for dykes. After a long day of construction, Home Depot visits, watching Top Chef, and hanging at the brewpub with friends, there is nothing better than lifting weights to mellow out. There’s also no form of processing or therapy that can equal pushing your body to the limit. If you are angry or sad, add ten pounds to either side. After doing 5 reps, there are no more problems. It’s a fix-all. *enter Lotus position* Om…
Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy the cardio on occasion, but it doesn’t leave me feeling fulfilled like lifting 300+ on the leg press. For total fulfillment, I need to push my body past its limits. Cycling on my road bike or longboarding on my 46″ skateboard can’t give me that. It’s just not the same. There’s something about seeing the number of pounds, imagining how heavy it is, then defeating your expectations or imagination by lifting it multiple times. Just thinking about it makes me want to hit the gym again. All my problems float away in that room. Plus, my wife thinks it’s hot. How can you argue that?
If you haven’t done it, go out there and give it a try. Take a dyke-in-the-know with you and push yourself past what you think you are capable of. Let her set the weight for you and be surprised at what you can do. If you don’t leave the gym feeling good, then you can tell me I am crazy, but I know it’s going to change your life. Plus, after going a few times, your smug smile will increase and the looks will start coming from the men who think they own the room. Then you can smile and chalk one more point up for dyke superiority.