We all know that lesbians love to process… and process some more. Some even take the next step and go to therapy to process (upcoming post). Breakups tend to provide months… or even years of material to process, so it is no wonder that after breaking up with Samantha Ronson a few weeks ago, Lindsay Lohan had an entire set of Louis Vuitton baggage to process.

As mentioned above, most people either torture their friends with repeated analyses of their personal drama or go to therapy (when their friends are sick of hearing about it for the umpteenth time). But Lindsay Lohan bypassed all of those pedestrian methods; instead, when she decided to break-up process, she went on Ellen to do so.

For the sapphicly inclined, what act is more advanced than processing a lesbian breakup on Ellen? Absofuckinglutely NOTHING. By that act alone, Lindsay Lohan transformed herself into a lesbian prodigy.

But could the act of processing a lesbian breakup on Ellen have been a fluke? Beginner’s luck, perhaps? I think not.

Yesterday The Sun reported that Lindsay and Sam were spotted engaging in the very lesbian act of Drama 2.0: leaving cryptic (and not-so-cryptic) Facebook messages for each other (and everyone else) to see.

Sam has gone from ‘Single’ to ‘Married’, while Li-Lo’s now reads ‘It’s Complicated’.

Those not well versed in lesbian culture may mistakenly believe that Sam is the more advanced of the two. After all, there’s that stupid U-Haul joke that still continues to pollute the lesbosphere. Those who have been distracted by that red herring may be scratching their heads wondering, “What is more lesbian than going from ‘single’ to ‘married’ in the blink of an eye? You know about that U-Haul joke, right?”

Answer: “Stuff Lesbians Like Part 71: “It’s complicated.”

Lesbians love using the term “it’s complicated.” This favorite catch all phrase not only can be heard uttered from every entourage from LA to NYC when talking about their love lives, but even Facebook has it as a status default – which I’m convinced is meant exclusively for the gays. At the heart of the term is the fact that any relationship involving two women has no choice but to be complicated — we’re highly complex beings. Add to that fact that many lesbians tend to date in or around their immediate circle of friends and what could be a fun-loving few months of hanging out and getting to know a new lady-friend often turns in to an intricate dance of navigating feelings, loyalties and exes.

That’s right. Using “It’s complicated” as your relationship status on Facebook is more advanced than going from “single” to “married” instantaneously. This, my friends, proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian prodigy. Lindsay, we’re not worthy. We’re not worthy.