Would you sleep with Angelina Jolie if given the chance? Of course you would.

Guess what? So would anyone.

This includes my very gay male friend from grad school who excitedly proclaimed, “Honey, I would TOTALLY do her.” This includes my very straight female roommate who just looked over my shoulder as I was writing this entry and announced that, if given a choice between Angelina and Brad, she would choose Angelina. This includes Rosen’s very straight, very crotchety MOTHER who declared that she would very much like to “munch on Angelina’s lips.”

Lesbians behave as if crushes on Angelina Jolie belong to them. They behave as if having a crush on Angelina is an essential part of being part of an underground lesbian society that holds the key to the Cult of Angelina when in fact, the Angelina Jolie crush is the Barack Obama of celebrity crushes. Angelina Jolie crushes transcend gender, race, sexual orientation, income level and age. People in Red States love Angelina Jolie. People in Blue States love Angelina Jolie.

The Angelina Jolie crush is the thread that ties all of humanity together. If the United States and Cuba could just focus on their appreciation of Angelina Jolie instead of obsessing over that little tiff over capitalism and communism, they would stop bickering and bridge their differences, and the ridiculous charade of smuggling Cuban cigars through Canada would end. If the Israelis and the Palestinians could just acknowledge their mutual crush on Angelina Jolie, they would drop their weapons and bond over “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider” and “Girl, Interrupted” in a big warm and fuzzy schawarma-fest (well, for about ten minutes, but ten minutes is still an improvement).

Here’s a little secret. When I decided to come out to my friends, I decided to do so by announcing I had a crush on Angelina Jolie. Why? Because having a crush on Angelina Jolie is totally acceptable to ANYONE. I could turn back at any time if the going got tough. Announcing that you have a crush on Angelina Jolie is the equivalent of announcing that you like chicken soup. Everyone likes chicken soup, and no one will give you shit about announcing that you like chicken soup.

Hence, the Angelina Jolie crush is plain vanilla. It is generic. No one owns it; it is in the public domain.

Put succinctly, it is safe, expected and boring.

Ladies, there isn’t anything lesbo-exclusive or distinctive about crushing on Angelina. Recognize, and move on.